How I lost 75 lbs. in 5 weeks

It sounds incredible, I know, but this really happened to me thanks to the new Debagger Diet developed by Dr. Alger Rhythm of East Anglia, Puddingsford, UK. My story is like this.

I used to be 75 lbs. overweight because I couldn’t stop Facebagging. I had the Facebag app and I would check it in between late night trips to the bathroom, which average about twelve because my prostate leaks a lot.

First thing when my alarm went off and I had to get up to turn it off so I could sleep for another three hours, I would check my Facebag. Since I have 8,402.1 friends there were always a lot of really important notifications to read, for example there was one thread with 734 posts about Elvira Gromwurster’s cat and how it had dental caries.

Plus I would have to add my own comments and also I had twelve private groups where my real friends and I could chat and talk about the other friends whose guts we hated even though we had to like their posts otherwise they would get their feelings hurt and sad face.

Plus I had to manage my other two fake accounts that I used to friend all the people I really hated and it got confusing trying to remember which fake me was fake friends with which people I detested. Stressful!!!

It was like this even during sex which I enjoyed with my wife regularly every other month whether she needed it or not because that is the kind of virility a woman likes in a man. But she didn’t like it when I would take time out to check the ‘bag, that’s for sure.

It was getting me in trouble at work, too. Apparently they have a thing in the computers at work that can actually see what you’re doing in your cubicle on your own computer. Who knew??? This came out because my boss said I needed to buckle down and be more productive and I told him I was and he said he knew for a fact that every 8.3 seconds I stopped monitoring the fuel rods and was checking the ‘bag, which I was.

Things were bad, especially about six weeks ago when I missed the red warning light that shows the water level has dropped and we got a Code 7 which on the one hand was cool because we’d never had one before (highest ever was a Code 4 when one of the maintenance crew poured the used cooling water down the toilet by mistake and killed a bunch of fish and some kids they say but it was never proven).

So here is Dr. Alger Rhythm’s Debagger Diet and it really works.

  1. Delete the Facebag app.
  2. Don’t look at the ‘bag on Saturday.
  3. Or Sunday.
  4. Or Monday.
  5. Or Tuesday through Thursday.
  6. On Friday log on for fifteen minutes.
  7. Anything you can’t respond to or read in 15 minutes doesn’t get responded to or read.

This sounds easy but it is not. First you will start twitching. By the third day you will be climbing the wall wondering about Elvira’s cat, or about whether somebody is still mad about what somebody else posted about somebody who no one knows but everyone’s friends with.

After your first week you will be down about ten pounds. You can measure it by weighing your head at the start, and then weighing it after each week. You don’t need to weigh it every day.

Pretty soon all of the fat in your head will have drizzled away and after a month your brain will be lean and fit and bulging with thoughts and ideas, one of which will halfway make sense, sort of. And you will only vaguely recall the cat.



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7 thoughts on “How I lost 75 lbs. in 5 weeks”

  1. Wow, I’m getting to this mid-afternoon and ONE comment! Hmmm… I wonder if you struck a chord? 🙂

    I think I’ll go read a good book…

    1. Either that or it was so stupid no one cared. Or it’s a beautiful Saturday and everyone’s riding!

  2. Great! Last month I ditched Strava & this month Facebag…if I go for the hat trick & delete Twatter I should be down to 150 just in time for Le Turdy France.

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