Manslaughter would be proud

Total fucking beatdown. Left Jan’s with a full belly, a quart of coffee coursing through my veins, and big chunks of dogshit stuck between the treads of my MTB tires. I hate MTB tires and especially on this trip over manicured German roads they were totally pointless.
We went through central Bonn where I showed Woodrow the University of Bonn, where I was never expelled from, and even more importantly the bus stop at the Hauptbahnhof where, on my second day in Germany, I staggered off the bus, late for my orientation session, and vomited into the trash can. Memories!  
We dropped down onto the Rhein for what started out as an easy 50-mile pedal. We were going upriver so the gradient was slightly uphill and we had a steady headwind. We were wearing knapsacks; mine was a solid 20 pounds due to the Kryptonite lock and 6-foot cable, and our mountain bikes with the fat tires weighed a good 35 pounds or so.

  The scenery and weather were gorgeous and we stopped at the ruins of the famed Remagen Bridge, where the Allies first crossed the Rhein in WW2.

After a while we got tired and hungry. Woodrow, who had prepared for the physical rigor of the trip by reading books, hanging out with friends, and sleeping til noon, had planned our lunch stop in Sinzig. We left the Rhein and ride 3k into town because although the riverfront was lined with restaurants they were all tourist priced instead of Davidson priced.

We found a grocery store because we had learned from Frau G. that in addition to coffee and cake we could also get cheap and hearty sandwiches there.

We got underway at one and only had 25 miles to go. But we were tired from the heavy bikes and especially the backpacks. My shoulders were killing me and the pressure from the pack had rammed my jeans where jeans aren’t meant to go, creating great chafing and rawness. The path then took us off the Rhein and for a couple of miles we followed the signs. Finally I got tired of riding in what was plainly the wrong direction.

“Turn here. We gotta get back to the river.”

“But the signs say this way, and we’ve been seeing so many riders in the opposite direction,” Woodrow protested.

“They’re idiots. Come on.”

We dropped down towards the river where the road dead-ended in a soccer field. “Let’s go back,” Woodrow said.

“I can see the path over there and plus we have these idiotic mountain bikes so let’s use them.” We plowed across the field and dropped onto the path. It was paved but cracked and filled with chugholes and overgrown with weeds and there was a huge sign that said “Danger. No entry. Ride at your own risk!”

“Fuck that,” I said.

After a couple of miles the paving ended and there was a singletrack with the giant, 10-foot wall of a motorway immediately on our right and a sheer drop off into the river on our left.

“Let’s go back,” I conceded.

“Let’s see where it goes,” said Woodrow.

“It goes to hell, obviously. But Manslaughter would approve.” So we charged ahead.

For a few miles it was rough but doable and then it became hideously strewn with huge jagged stones. If you went slow you’d fall but if you went fast and picked a bad line you’d plunge into the river below.

This was where Woodrow learned the important father-son bonding lesson of “Good luck, kid,” as my hands were full trying not to die.

This lasted for several miles. The rocks then went away and it was grassy singletrack.

A few miles later including several stops and we reached Koblenz, where we avoided MB Jens and collapsed senselessly into our beds. The second half of the ride had taken four hours. I could barely stand, my back was killing me, Woodrow was in shell shock, and we hadn’t eaten dinner.

We walked to the Lidl to buy dinner but couldn’t unhook a basket because they were all chained together and we couldn’t figure out how to unchain them. Finally we tried to take a basket from a guy who had finished shopping but he got very angry. I explained our problem but he was very suspicious as anyone would be when talking to filthy idiots and he showed us that you had to put in a coin that you got back when you rechained the cart.

We purchased dinner and staggered back, eating dinner in our tiny sweltering room with a broken air conditioner and farts.

Tomorrow would be our first hard day, a hilly ride to Braunfels and away from MB Jens. This is the town that immigrants in Texas named New Braunfels after. Woodrow was already checking train schedules.

34 thoughts on “Manslaughter would be proud”

  1. The cycling bibs I suggested prob seem like a good idea about now. Trust me you don’t want to get chafing on a multi day ride with multi days still to go. Sounding like a fantastic adventure, youve got me hooked on the updates.

    1. I was thinking cham underwear would have been a nice addition to the cargo. 🙂 Two days down, eight to go and you’ll feel fine “down south”!

  2. I think they make Rhine wine where you are….take more photos…too bad you aren’t going to Nuremberg in Bavaria…lots of steep roads!

  3. As a bicycle tourist you make a good racer. On the plus side, you speak the language and you’re doin’ sumpum wid yor kid.

  4. I think it’s interesting how we got lots of smiling pictures until the hard part and now we’re getting lots of food pictures. 🙂 It sounds like the adventure has begun! Yay!

  5. Here is a shop 7.5km from Braunfels if you change your mind about needing a chamois or liner. Baggy MTB shorts often have removable liners, lots of pockets and can pass for regular clothing while walking around.

    Looks like an awesome trip. Wish I had a memory of something similar with my dad.

  6. Woodrow, who had prepared for the physical rigor of the trip by reading books, hanging out with friends, and sleeping til noon, had planned our lunch stop in Sinzig.

    Need more of this. I love the “oh sh!t” moment when the realization of unpreparedness happens in their young minds. Things get a little more real after that.

    More cake reports. Not enough cake/pastries. Ever.

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