My friend Derek wrote the other day, concerned. “Dude,” he said, “I get the whole Germany trip father-son bonding thing but there are concerns being voiced within the community that Cycling in the South Bay has become way too Eurocentric.”
“What community? The community of crazies?” I emailed back.
“No, man, your three readers.”
“What do you propose?”
“I will write a guest blog to kind of bring things back to this side of the Atlantic.”
“You will? Awesome!”
So he did and I emailed him right away. “Dude,” I said, “this doesn’t have anything to do with cycling.”
“What about my editorial standards?”
“I’d never noticed any.”
“Look, you can just add a few things here and there to make it more cycling-ish. No one will ever notice.”
“Okay,” I said. So here it is:
A drive-by guest blog from Derek Brauch
The Donald Trump campaign is fascinating. It’s the final fusion of the reality TV world with, well, reality. Donald Trump, the hard-nosed businessman who plays a hard-nosed businessman named Donald Trump on a reality show has brought the reality TV show Donald Trump character to a real presidential race. And of course he’s killing it. The Donald Trump reality TV show character does not have “Oops” moments a la Rick Perry because Trump doesn’t have pre-rehearsed inoffensive, bland, non-controversial talking points, which are the ones politicians believe the least and hence find so easy to dramatically forget under pressure. Trump’s analysis of Froome’s Tour victory was bold and unapologetic when he said that “all cyclists should be lured out onto freeways and killed like Cecil the Lion.”
The success of having a fake character run for a real political office got me thinking: Can Trump extend this formula to his cabinet selections? Of course he can. And I think that his cabinet would look like this:
Department of the Interior – Kim Kardashian
This young up-and-comer carved out her niche and made a tremendous amount of money with her wildly successful TV reality show. She will also make a great bikini model for the new ten dollar bill, and is rumored to be seeing Chris Froome behind Kanye’s back.
Attorney General – Judge Judy
An obvious choice, Judge Judy, like Trump’s reality-imitating-reality TV persona, is a real judge who plays a judge on a TV show. Also like Trump, there is no room for gray in her reality. On the offing is a perfect black and white world, with none of the tiresome thinking that is intrinsic to uncertainty, negotiation, and compromise. Judge Judy would also make sure Chris Froome was thoroughly tested.
Surgeon General – Dr. Drew Pinsky
Completely selling out your real patients and their real addictions heedless of the predictably disastrous consequences, and all for public entertainment and personal enrichment doesn’t get your psychiatric license pulled, it gets you promoted to top doctor. Doc Pinsky could also do a public psychoanalysis of Oleg Tinkov.
Secretary of Treasury – Theresa Guidice
A simple pardon will free up this choice, along with dropping the False Claims Act case against Lance.
This one is too sensitive a selection to be revealed yet but let’s just say Honey Boo-Boo, leave your phone on.