Guest blog

My friend Derek wrote the other day, concerned. “Dude,” he said, “I get the whole Germany trip father-son bonding thing but there are concerns being voiced within the community that Cycling in the South Bay has become way too Eurocentric.”

“What community? The community of crazies?” I emailed back.

“No, man, your three readers.”

“What do you propose?”

“I will write a guest blog to kind of bring things back to this side of the Atlantic.”

“You will? Awesome!”

So he did and I emailed him right away. “Dude,” I said, “this doesn’t have anything to do with cycling.”

“So?”

“What about my editorial standards?”

“I’d never noticed any.”

“Good point.”

“Look, you can just add a few things here and there to make it more cycling-ish. No one will ever notice.”

“Okay,” I said. So here it is:

Reality Politics

A drive-by guest blog from Derek Brauch

The Donald Trump campaign is fascinating. It’s the final fusion of the reality TV world with, well, reality. Donald Trump, the hard-nosed businessman who plays a hard-nosed businessman named Donald Trump on a reality show has brought the reality TV show Donald Trump character to a real presidential race. And of course he’s killing it. The Donald Trump reality TV show character does not have “Oops” moments a la Rick Perry because Trump doesn’t have pre-rehearsed inoffensive, bland, non-controversial talking points, which are the ones politicians believe the least and hence find so easy to dramatically forget under pressure. Trump’s analysis of Froome’s Tour victory was bold and unapologetic when he said that “all cyclists should be lured out onto freeways and killed like Cecil the Lion.”

The success of having a fake character run for a real political office got me thinking: Can Trump extend this formula to his cabinet selections? Of course he can. And I think that his cabinet would look like this:

Department of the Interior – Kim Kardashian

This young up-and-comer carved out her niche and made a tremendous amount of money with her wildly successful TV reality show. She will also make a great bikini model for the new ten dollar bill, and is rumored to be seeing Chris Froome behind Kanye’s back.

Attorney General – Judge Judy

An obvious choice, Judge Judy, like Trump’s reality-imitating-reality TV persona, is a real judge who plays a judge on a TV show. Also like Trump, there is no room for gray in her reality. On the offing is a perfect black and white world, with none of the tiresome thinking that is intrinsic to uncertainty, negotiation, and compromise. Judge Judy would also make sure Chris Froome was thoroughly tested.

Surgeon General – Dr. Drew Pinsky

Completely selling out your real patients and their real addictions heedless of the predictably disastrous consequences, and all for public entertainment and personal enrichment doesn’t get your psychiatric license pulled, it gets you promoted to top doctor. Doc Pinsky could also do a public psychoanalysis of Oleg Tinkov.

Secretary of Treasury – Theresa Guidice

A simple pardon will free up this choice, along with dropping the False Claims Act case against Lance.

Vice President

This one is too sensitive a selection to be revealed yet but let’s just say Honey Boo-Boo, leave your phone on.

28 thoughts on “Guest blog”

  1. Damn you both. Please send me Derek’s PayPal info so I can send him $2.99. Those new carbon aero wheels constructed of full carbon will just have to wait.

  2. Haha! You may have competition, Wanky! Is this the super-aero, no draft Derek? Very impressive piece of work. Did you add the cycling bites? They were nicely woven in.

  3. Dig the Wanky/Destroyer mega blog.
    My head is spinning…or is it the earth?

  4. This fusion of trump tv and reality is really happening. When your neighbor in Venice is quoting trump something is wrong.

  5. I like this guy’s style, we’ll crafted prose, witty, and writes to fit. But does he take the lane?

  6. I didn’t realize Kanye and Froomye were a couple, and now you tell me Froomye is cheating on Kanye with Kimye…I’m soooo confused…ye.

  7. Cesar Chavira

    “lured out onto freeways and killed like Cecil the Lion” may well be the best example of dark humor I have ever read. Kurt Vonnegut, you have been dethroned.

  8. While you’re in Europe, the notification comes in the evening here, so it gets read during my dog’s evening walk & constitutional. I think even she snorted at the “…lured out onto the freeways…” suggestion. Brilliant!

  9. Grumbly Oldguy

    Wasn’t the trump going to put Sarah Palin as Sec’y of Defense? Oh! The Humanity! I will need to move to Mexico. It will be safer there.

  10. How many of the other candidates owned their very own professional cycling stage race? Not that I’d vote for him, but he does have that going for him. I volunteered during the ’90 race in Richmond, because a lot of cute girls were there. Didn’t watch the race because of said girls.

  11. So if the reality show Trump becomes president, then The United States of America will become one big reality show.

    And that probably sums up the Europeans’ current view of the USA.

    1. Maybe he can get Tom Danielson to help him organize it? I hear Tommy D. is going to have a very free calendar for the next two years.

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