Everyone wants a Wanky

The nomination period for the fantabulous 2015 South Bay Cycling Awards closed last week, but some folks who felt that they’d been wrongly left out or who had been nominated for the wrong category weren’t going to take it lying down.

Okay, some of them were.

Am I doing this right?
I want my Wanky!
South Bay phenom and pro Kristabel Doebel-Hickock won a Wanky in 2013 for QOM, and another in 2014 for Best Female Racer, so it was no surprise that she found herself again on the short list for best racer after posting impressive results on the domestic and international road racing circuit.

What was shocking to me is that she felt so displeased with her nomination for Best Female Racer of 2015 that she decided to make a full-blown run at the 2015 Crashtacular Fred category despite an already strong field and despite the fact that the nominating period had closed. Keep in mind that this year’s nominees include some of the biggest crash dummies in SoCal cycling, to wit:

  • Front-runner and heretofore shoo-in Jay Laplante, a/k/a Manslaughter. The nickname alone tells you that this is a legit contender, and over the years he has proven that he is a threat to crash every time he rolls out of the driveway. What’s so impressive about his crashtacularity is that far from being a poor bike handler, he’s practically a magician when it comes to threading needles on a bike. So why all the crashes? Obviously, he’s just nuts.
  • Super heavyweight contender Chris Gregory. Chris never met a crash she didn’t like. Different from boring nominees who’ve tried to eke out a Wanky with broken collarbones, shoulders, hands, and traumatic head injuries, Chris took crash anatomy to a whole ‘nother level in 2015 when she fell on the bike path going 12-mph (10 points), flopped off into the sand (10 points), still doesn’t know why she crashed (10 points), and shattered her humerus in three places, a bone that, in more than 30 years of riding and racing, I’ve never heard of anyone ever breaking, even when hit by a car.

With this kind of competition it’s hard to see how Kristabel could have thought she had a chance, even though she also has a rich history of amazing fred-like bike falls, like the time this year she mowed down a pedestrian (10 points) while practicing her TT bike on the bike path (10 points) and cracked her femur (8 points).

Still, “Tink” as she’s known far and wide, wasn’t about to cede the field, as she still had something in her back jersey pocket: In 2014 she went from icon to legend when she actually crashed at the start of a time trial coming out of the starting house. No one had ever heard of such a thing and when the story broke many refused to believe it.

Starting behind the 8-ball in the 2015 Wankies, however, Tink showed up three days ago at America’s premier stage race ready to do battle with the world’s best women racers, but more importantly to announce that she wanted a Wanky. As the video link above shows, it will be hard for anyone to beat her:

  • No one to blame for taking her out or causing the crash (10 points)
  • Crashed in America’s biggest pro race (100 points)
  • Video proof (300 points)
  • Crashed in the safest part of the race (400 points)
  • Pulled an ultra-Fred move as an elite pro (500 points)
  • Crashed by running into a sign that says “Healthcare” (12,000 points)
  • Crashed while her start was being commentated by Phil Liggett (1,000,000 points)
  • Got up, finished the TT, and the next day almost won the road race (1 billion points)

So although I don’t recommend this kind of extra-curricular lobbying and politicking just to get a Wanky, sometimes it works.



For $2.99 per month you can subscribe to this blog and learn how not get a Wanky. You really don’t want one. Trust me. Click here and select the “subscribe” link in the upper right-hand corner. Thank you!

18 thoughts on “Everyone wants a Wanky”

  1. She obviously had to dig deep into the pro athletes suit case of tricks for that one…

  2. Hmmm… Well… As you pointed out… “The the nominating period had closed.” 😉 But that was a spectacular bumble fuck!

  3. That starthouse official is a thug. It looked like one of those trust falls where the people just walk away. 5, 4, i’mma let go now, 3, 2….

  4. On the still above I definitely detect a smile on her face that is mashed into the pavement. Extra points!

  5. Haha! This was great! Ok, the video made me cringe, but your write up was awesome!

    I don’t think it was the holder’s issue. It looks like she’s in too big of a gear and didn’t put enough power in the first pedal stroke. These things happen.

    I just realized Coryn Rivera should have been nominated for best Woman Racer (although there are some other good names on the list already). She races road, track, cross, almost everything. Coryn came up as a Jr from 12 years old in SoCal racing to full on pro that won Best Young Racer at La Course last year and continues to shine this year. Great interview http://velonews.competitor.com/2015/08/news/coryn-riveras-continuing-evolution_380408

    Anway, I know nominations are closed (and I did get my nominations on time), but it’s worth a try to throw her in the pile. 🙂

    1. Coryn’s great, too bad she didn’t get a nod. Next year!!! Anyway, she’s probably way too classy for a shit show like the Wankies!

  6. Wow, lucky she didn’t brake her jaw( as I did), that would have sent her over the top.
    How many points would that be?

    1. She already earned enough. BTW was great to see her ride so well on the next two stages.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: