Electro sprint fuckers

I don’t like electrobikes. They go too fast on the bike path, which doesn’t bother me. Their riders have lousy bike handling skills, which doesn’t bother me. They zoom up behind me without notice, which doesn’t bother me. The riders are completely unfit hardly every pedal, which doesn’t bother me.

They pass me as if I were tied to a math word problem.


It doesn’t just bother me because they are faster; okay, a lot faster. It bothers me because of what I suspected but wasn’t revealed until the other night, listening to ARD’s Infonacht radio program.

The reporter was interviewing some schmo in Munich who sold electrobikes. “They are great,” said Schmo.


“You can go much farther than on a regular bike. They are cheaper than a racing bicycle. They are very eco-friendly. And of course you can go uphill without much strenuous pedaling.”

“So you expect sales to increase?”

“Oh yes, they have tripled in the last eighteen months.”

“Why do you think they are so popular?”

“Many reasons, but one in particular.”

“What’s that?” asked the interviewer.

“When you pass a bike racer or a fitness enthusiast it is such a wonderful feeling.”

So there you have it. As rotten as you feel when some unfit schmo blows by you at 30 on the bike path, he feels inversely happy at leaving you chewing on the sand and grit kicked up by his back tire.

It doesn’t matter that he’s cheating, that you’re fitter, or that he’s beating you with a fuggin’ motor. What matters is that he is faster and you can’t catch him. So, I pretty much hate that.

But it’s the tip of the iceberg, and you can say in a couple of years that you read it here first: Electrobike racing is right around the corner. What could be more awesome? Unlike ho-hum crits, a pack filled with bikes that can chug around the parking lot at 40 will be thrilling. The crashes will be epic and the technology will be off the hook.

When wankers tangle wheels, a single pile-up will cost $100k. Talk about a yard sale!

Forget getting an edge with a few millimeters of carbon on your rims; racers will be getting more and more motorized wattage crammed into lighter and lighter frames. You think weight weenies are a bore? This will cross the unbearable boredom of weight weeniedom with the agonizing mindlessness of gearheadism.

“But that’s not bike racing!” we will screech and scream.

Not in the beginning, perhaps, but as the manufacturer money flows in and the races become more like motocross and less like bicycles, real bike racers will move in. Instead of a sport where you need 60 minutes of fitness to ride a break or win a field sprunt, you’ll need spurts of power to complement the bike’s wattage for short bursts. A sprint will mean tacking on 5 mph of human power to a 45 mph top end of the electrobike.

The electro horsepower will allow riders to wear real protective gear instead of lycra underwear. The sport will be incredibly fast, incredibly exciting, and incredibly dangerous. Best of all, there will be no masters categories–just young kamikazes pedo-racing their souped up electro bikes for cash primes and closed head injuries.

It’s coming in a couple of years. You’ll see. I hope I’m dead by then, and if I’m not, please shoot me.



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48 thoughts on “Electro sprint fuckers”

  1. “Remote Pollution”.
    Oh boy, do they not like hearing that! Hits ’em right square in the self-righteous and makes them gasp and sputter all over the place. Fun!

  2. They already have an ebike race at the Isle of Man TT races, Things don’t get much more real than racing the Mountain Course.

    1. When one of those bozos pass me, I laugh, they can’t even pedal like 80- year old Dutch women do.

  3. I think they’re a mixed bag and I sell ’em. They’ll put thousands of Boomers back on a bike, taking them momentarily out of their cars. But then we get to watch their incredible ineptitude and plane rude ignorance as they apply everything Grandma taught ’em about bicycling when they were 6 years old. But that guy grinning when he jammed past you in 90 inches up that 7% grade– me, dude.

  4. Damn near gave myself a heart attack on a bike path trying to hold off a Bubba on an e-bike. We raced up a moderate hill and I finally pulled on him as it mellowed out, then beat him to a yellow light. Victory for me! But, I was cooked. HaHa

    1. Right? And he continued on not even sweating, while you lay down in a ditch, curled up in a fetal ball, and waited for Uber.

  5. Apples and orange juice, wanky. If an electric bike means one less car, I’m all for it. But I get your point about the bike path thing. This morning at the speed of really slow (I had a heart attack last Friday) I was passed by a phred riding aero fast enough to leave a wake. Add a motor and some kind of foils and 60 mph isn’t a far-fetched concept. Good lord.

    I blame it on Cancellara.


    1. Let’s put it like this: If it passes me on two wheels anywhere, anytime, I hate it, even if it saves humanity.

  6. e-bikes are likened to bicycles. I wholeheartedly disagree. They are more akin to motorcycles and motor scooters. I don’t care that they have 2 wheels, what makes a bicycle a bicycle is the HUMAN-POWERED element. That little “e-” makes it a different animal.

    The e-bikers I’ve witnessed are not experienced cyclists. As evidenced by the OC e-biker who crashed headlong into the back of a parked car while texting at 30mph. He’s now doing the big ride in the sky.

    An inexperienced rider on a bicycle-like frame cruising at 30 is an accident in the making.

    As for the bike path, the e-bikes are probably illegal. Motorized vehicles are prohibited, and that little thing on the e-bike hub is a motor.

    “When you pass a bike racer or a fitness enthusiast it is such a wonderful feeling.”
    This has to be hype from the American Cardiology Association.

    1. Some of you are old enough to remember whizzer retrofit kits for cruisers. Apparently those are not explicitely illegal in California so an electric version probably isn’t illegal to operate on the road either.

      We all know the industry won’t take the time to redesign to accomodate the forces and weight of an electric motor setup. Lawyers will fix that.

      1. I ride my bike, despite being fat, unfit, and weak. Yesterday morning, an e-bikey kinda guy passed me and laughed. I was wondering whether he laughed at how slow and fat I was, or from the insidious glee at having passed a 60 something, underwear clad, ex wanna-be who knows Templin, while on an ebike that didn’t make any noise.
        By the way, I am in the market for a noiseless gun that can mount on my Cinelli Mod. 66 bars, so I can waste this motha the next time I see him.
        I bet Reverend Billy sells them on his website.
        Winwood wrote about that noiseless thang in 1971…took 44 years to get demand for it…now it needs to get to market!

  7. “When you pass a bike racer or a fitness enthusiast it is such a wonderful feeling.” – I thought the wonderful feeling was actually riding the bike and the enjoyment you get out of it. I got it all backwards apparently…

    1. That’s what the e-bikers said when asked about it. Maybe something got lost in translation except they weren’t being translated.

  8. Electro Sprint Fuckers.
    Electro Fuckers Sprint.
    Fuck Electro Sprinters.
    Sprint Electro Fuckers.
    Sprinters Fuck Electro.
    Fuckers Sprint Electro.
    Electro-Fuck Sprinters.
    Fucker-Sprint Electro.

    Could be interesting to watch.
    I’m in.

    So now, please tell me more about how not to be a dick-bag?


  9. On my commute to work one morning, I met a lovely young lady with an e-bike “kickr”. I’d worked very hard to catch her, and we chatted for a bit. She seemed a bit embarrassed about the power assist, but said that she loved that it took her out of her car completely. Ultimately we parted ways (I was par-cooked from the chase), but it was a lovely interaction overall.

    I have also had the nitwits blaze past me without so much as an “on your left” or bell, and that irritated me. Still, nothing brings out Cat 6 racing in me except being passed by someone with a straight bar. And I’m making progress on ignoring that, too!

    1. As I was riding down Crenshaw to pick up my ECO HATER Prius for its 135,000-mile oil change, I spied a woman on a bike going up the hard part of Crenshaw at 20 mph or so on her ebike. She looked very happy. So, winning.

  10. I would shrug and say getting passed doesn’t really matter, then thought about ‘gamers’ using mods in Call of Duty – @#$% them.

    Not sure how electric bike riders would be welcomed on a slightly competitive group ride. I wouldn’t be the one to complain, but that’s just my (lack of) personality.

    btw, saw Daniel Holloway (from your mentions/interview) at the St Louis crit races on Monday. He just missed out on the sprint (UHC had five or six riders on the front for the last lap and one of their guys got it). He won the overall though on the four races of the weekend here. Anyway it was cool to actually recognize one of names from the announcer. – Thanks

    1. Welcome! Around here, people would probably be happy to have electro bikers on the group rides. Happy to have them dead, that is

  11. I don’t think you have to worry about them taking over racing anytime soon.
    The bearded geeks who are into electrons and electro bikes like everything quantifiable and in order. They couldn’t handle the chaos of a crit race.
    The bearded hippies who are into saving the planet and “love not war” couldn’t handle the conflict of a race.
    The bearded Boonan road racers will continue to race their pedal powered TDF replicas to out muscle out grunt and out think their rivals in a macho Mano a Mano battle to the death.

  12. 8% of all new bikes in the Netherlands are now e-bikes. The #1 arrival at emergency rooms: 70+ year old e-bikers who wiped out and broke one or more of their brittle bones. But apparently the overall impact on population health is still positive. My 81 year old dad crashed as he ran in to the back of my bike. He had stopped pedaling, but the e-bike did not slow down … luckily only a bruised shoulder. Natural selection will take a while to sort this all out – and a few new rules and regulations to limit power and speed – and reclassify them as mopeds maybe.

  13. While I’m reading this I suddenly realized that e-bikes will result in industry-wide regs that will doubtless be applied to bicycles as well. I’m talking about mandatory helmets, insurance, licensing, registration, etc.

  14. I am almost thinking they should change the name. E-bike. They don’t call motorcycles M-bikes. It’s pretty much an electric moped, not a bicycle.

  15. 750w is the legal limit for power assisted bicycles. Over that and it’s considered a motorcycle. To be legal, they can’t assist you over 20mph. If you stay right on their ass, they can’t pull away on the flat. If they’re legal…
    At the light, when that fucker looks over with that smug grin, I usually scream something like, “Nice moped, pal. TOO BAD YOU’RE TOO WEAK TO RIDE A REAL BIKE!!!”

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