In a surprise move three days before the end of the 2015 Vuelta a Espana, organizers of the three-week grand tour announced major changes to the historic event. According to Sancho Panza de Huevos Grandes, spokesman for the Vuelta, “In 2016 we’re shortening the race to one day.”
At a hastily called press conference journalists sought explanations for the radical change. “Well,” said de Huevos Grandes, “it’s the most boring sporting event on earth. Curling looks lively in comparison. It’s like having a three-week root canal with no anesthetic, and frankly we just couldn’t stand it anymore.”
In the past the Vuelta has experimented with moving its calendar date, but de Huevos Grandes emphatically denied any further attempts to reschedule the grueling race. “You can put lipstick on a pig, but when you fuck it, you’re still fucking a pig. And that’s illegal in every U.S. state except Arkansas and Texas.”
When asked if the decision was being made for financial reasons, de Huevos Grandes groaned. “Of course it’s for financial reasons. You think we’d shorten it if we were making money? Fact is that bike racing is super boring, and stage racing is a super boring subset of an already boring sport, and the Vuelta is the most boring of the super boring grand tours. It’s like having to watch a 65-plus masters racer trying to set an hour record for three fuggin’ weeks. After five minutes you want to hang your brain on a nail.”
De Huevos Grandes explained that the new format for the Vuelta would be much simpler. “A 60-minute crit,” he said. “Throw up some porta potties, throw out some cash primes, start at noon and be home in time for dinner.”
Billy Bunny, a reporter and noted notary public from Velosnooze, asked de Huevos Grandes about attendance, television rights, and whether or not he thought that the Pro Tour would turn out in force for such an event.
“Who cares?” was de Huevos Grandes’s reply.
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