Popes on bikes


With the publicity surrounding his rock star tour to the USA, I’ve been wondering what the Pope thinks about bicycles.

Now don’t mistake me. I like this pope.

He seems like a good guy, and very un-Catholic for a Pope: Bringing down the hammer on the rich, extolling immigrants, championing the environment, and urging us to live up to our American ideals (funny, I thought we were already doing a pretty good job of hating foreigners, starting foreign wars, devouring the planet, and guns).

But what does the Pope think about bicycles? Turns out he talks a pretty solid line. In an informal audience given a couple of years ago, he criticized people seeking flashy new cars and talked about how happy it made him when he sees his personal secretary pedaling around on a bicycle.

Then a couple of days ago he was gifted with a bike from the City of Philadelphia.

As it turns out, like most PR, he talks a pretty good game but admits that for him, “cars are a necessity.” It’s kind of one of those “do as I say, not as I do” deals. Catholics will understand.

Still, there’s something really problematic about all this, and it’s sort of related to bicycles and the fact that the Pope says one thing but does another. Let’s imagine this:

A major corporation — say, Volkswagen — while it is manufacturing cars, puts in place a system whereby it also rapes several hundred thousand children. The assembly line is boring, so to spice things up the managers bring in young children and together with the the workers rape them over and over and over. And over and over.

In fact, the child raping becomes an ingrained and profound part of the corporate culture, and it’s such a popular pastime that even, or especially, guys in the head office partake in child raping from time to time. The children’s lives are predictably ruined. Occasionally a few children complain about getting raped to shit and having their lives destroyed but their complaints are either ignored, or hush money is paid, or the outed rapist gets shifted over to the assembly line in Mexico (where he rapes little Mexican kids).

Then, people get tired of the child raping and the big corporation is called to account. It pays out billions, apologizes, fires a few people, and makes a big deal about its new corporate culture. “Eco-Friendly Cars and No Child Raping!”

Then the company hires a new CEO and he’s all about eco-friendliness and being nice to children instead of raping them. And THEN the new CEO plans a tour of the USA. Would the President meet with him? Would he be invited to address Congress? Would millions throng the streets to welcome him?

Would he be given a new bike?

32 thoughts on “Popes on bikes”

  1. jack from illinois (not my real name)

    “Our Priests are now 75% less likely to rape 50% of prepubescent children” (your results may vary)

      1. jack from illinois (not my real name)

        Our church has reduced child rape by 30%. We challenge our national competitors to make that same claim! (your results may vary)

  2. My pappy and grandpappy hated the papists, too.
    They and me loved us some loud, nasty guns.

    By the way…the Wankies (10/17) have rescued me from a long weekend with my sister in law, and her ad guru husband (and his bag of chips) and their 7 year old twins, only because I put it on the calendar months ago. Needless to say, my ever-lovin’ Jan reserved the weekend for her family (my in-laws), and won’t be joining me in LA. Honey is coming, though. I need a nearby pet friendly motel to crash in….any suggestions? Maybe Tillie has a spare section of floor?

    1. Nothing wrong with papists, though it does kind of rhyme with “rapists.” Can someone get me a good limerick with that?

  3. I feel funny being lectured to about the evils of wealth and taking care of the poor by a guy who could sell a little of his art collection and feed the world.

  4. I’m probably paraphrasing here… Voltaire? Robespierre? “There shall be nonpeace on earth until the neck of the last emperor [president, prime minister, whathaveyou] is strangled with the entrails of the last priest”. Of course you can also substitute rabbi, pastor, or the Dalai Lama for priest.

  5. We’re all doomed I tell’ya! Now look away while I send my self to hell with your child and later I’ll reach religious ecstacy through self flagulation.

  6. That was an amazing twist of plots! I want to defend the pope though. Have you ever tried to ride a bike in a full length dress. It’s not easy, my friend!

    1. I think he’s the right guy for their corporation. He has the right message, he seems sincere, and he will be able to rebuild the brand.

      1. When it comes to emissions control, like everything else: good or bad, it always comes from the top!

          1. Yep, it’s all about emissions, and power.
            Weren’t we supposed to evolving, or something?

            1. No. There is no evidence that humans are evolving. There is evidence they have evolved from other hominid species, but no evidence that humans are anything other than a dead end, like almost all species. Darwin’s seminal explication of evolution was titled “The Descent of Man,” not the “ascent,” a very conscious choice that reflected his theory.

              1. Thanks for the dismal but realistic answer and “I think I knew that” but kinda forgot on purpose.

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