Wankmeister cycling clinic #29: What’s the best off season training plan?

Dear Wankmeister:

What’s the best off season training plan? Our season here in Podunkeyville ends in October. I want to be primed and ready to go for the Cat 4’s next year!

Punctually,
Petey Puddintame

Dear Petey:

Hobby bicyclists like you and me have two seasons, a “ride slow” season and a “ride slower” season. There is no “off.”

Slowlily,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

My Internet coach says I should be doing three-week blocks of training with a one-week rest period. This will allow me to build, recover, and eventually win the Internet. What do you think?

Slobberingly,
Sammy Strava

Dear Sammy:

There are three parts to maximizing cycling performance: Training, recovery, and strategy. Imagine a pie chart and each one of those segments is a sliver of delicious blueberry pie, and on top of the pie is a huge slab of vanilla ice cream. So what do you do? You plop your ass into a chair and eat the whole fuggin’ pie at one sitting. You’ll feel kind of sick as you shovel that last forkful of mostly melted ice cream and goopy blueberry filling and scraps of light, buttery pie crust that have become soggy but somehow even more awesome. Yum.

Satedly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

I saw a group of wankers hammering the Donut on Saturday, racing in the 105-degree October heat as if it were the state championships in Bakersville. Then there’s this other group of fools who are doing the Man Tour’s 500-miles-in-five-days beatdown from San Jose to LA. Throw in the nutjobs doing the Circle of Doom, Tour of Tucson, and the Nosco Death March. What’s up with those idiots? Don’t they know it’s the off season?

Disgustedly,
Danny Dandruff

Dear Danny:

We are all following the training regimen of our YouTube coach, Bazza Barnes. You should consider it, too.

Advisorily,
Wankmeister

END

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