10 cycling moves you might as well go ahead and not try
October 27, 2015 § 13 Comments
I see all kinds of weird shit on the bike. Here’s a list of things that you don’t need to try because they’ve already been done and they suck.
- Rear wheel pitch-back. Tomorrow will be a great day not to jump out of the saddle with someone on your wheel and throw your bike back six inches. Go ahead! Don’t try it!
- Architectural digest. Next time you’re riding along the crowded bike path, take a couple of hours not to ogle the oceanfront homes. You can’t afford them and you’re about to run over that small child’s testicles. So go ahead! Don’t look!
- First thong of spring. She’s not just old enough to be your granddaughter, she is your granddaughter, and someone much younger and virile than you has already staked his claim. So don’t enjoy the view. Look straight ahead.
- Uh-oh shift. When the road kicks up, don’t wait until you’re about to tip over before shifting in that horrible grinding way that sounds like someone is emptying a gravel truck. Go ahead! Don’t not shift in advance!
- Sticky shower. Next time you gobble a mouthful of sugary energy drink goop, swallow without dribbling a few tablespoons of spray on the rider or bike behind you. Go ahead! Don’t attract so many flies when you ride!
- Rubber beggar. You’ve flatted because it was easier and cheaper to put the 12,200-and-first mile on that threadbare tire, and now’s your chance not to beg a spare tire worth $9.99 from a kindly companion. Go ahead! Buy your own fucking tubes and CO2 cartridge!
- Window into eternity. Sure those see-through white bib shorts are vintage and covered with a shiny patina. Problem is, so’s your furry bunghole. Go ahead! Don’t cause PTSD a-la-Brad House to whomever’s behind you–put on a pair of undies or better yet, buy a fresh pair of bibs.
- It’s only time. Group ride coming up? Try showing up BEFORE the roll-out time rather than 15 minutes AFTER. Go ahead! Show your pals that you know what it means when the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the eight!
- Weebles wobble. Galloping into the sprunt with legit riders? Now’s the perfect time to not charge to the front and show your mettle. Go ahead! Stop pedaling and float to the back of the bus and out of the way, where the only person you’re likely to harm is yourself.
- Mansplaining. See a new rider who’s in desperate need of your keen advice? Go ahead! STFU, or introduce yourself and try to remember their name. He/she’ll probably be riding you off his/her wheel in a couple of weeks anyway!
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Cycling in the South Bay 
And while you’re at, it go ahead and not keep the rest of the group and uninformed about the potholes, sticks, etc. coming up while you are up front. Who doesn’t enjoy fixing flats?
Psssst! Flub-flub-flub. Sucks to be you!
Weebles Wobble ?????
Need to test your mettle?
Take a leap off the front of a hard charging group that is so young, no one even remembers your son’s name, then coast as the group surges past and you don’t sprint.
… but they don’t fall down!
Roll through to the front of the line at the stop light, for bonus points almost get run over by cars when you wobble away from the green light, except don’t, stay behind everyone who just passed you since the last light, twat.
You were going for the 6-inch KOM segment you created just before the ride. Winning.
Go ahead and clear your sinus cavities right there in the pace line. It will all go straight down to the road surface. Don’t pull out of the line!
Me: (Riding behind Chris) “Hey buddy, I think you need some new shorts”
Chris: “Really?”
Me: “I am pretty sure I can see all of your ass hair”
Chris: “That’s the fabric stitching”
Me: “I don’t think so. Stitching would be a grid pattern, and these fibers are going ALL every which way around your ass”
My concern is the implication that this could be fixed by a simple ass-shaving.
And don’t not pass some methane mixed with last night’s burrito surprise while you’re at it.
7a. If your shorts are full of holes, especially holes along the seams, then everyone is seeing part of your ass. Buy new shorts!
Or steal some. Or just cover your butt in a Hefty bag.
Decorate the roadside with the detritus of cycling: blown tubes, spent CO2 cartridges, empty gel packs, body parts.
Trash is art.