November 18, 2015 § 10 Comments
It has been a long time since I spent much time around a fresh baby, and I had forgotten how tiny they were and etc.
A lot of Grandpas, okay, a nutty handful, dream of the day they will be able to train with their grandkid. I guess that’s okay, but I have raised three kids and am pretty sure that there is a mathematical law out there that goes like this:
Parent/Grandpa’s cycling enthusiasm is inversely proportionate to that of child/grandchild.
Instead, after having almost three whole weeks of grandpahood under my belt, it seems to me that there is a great Grandbaby Training Plan out there waiting to be sold on the Internet and etc. Why is that? Because grandbabies have it flat fuggin’ all figured out. Here’s how it goes:
GRANDBABY TRAINING PLAN FOR BIKE RACERS
- Shit a lot. Grandbabies shit all the time, in big quantities. So they have clean innards and aren’t carrying around any extra weight.
- Drink a lot of warm milk. When grandbabies aren’t shitting, they are drinking warm milk. I don’t think you can get the “real” stuff without running into trouble, but fact is that grandbabies love breasts and warm milk. You could maybe separate the two by heating up a pail of cow’s milk in the microwave and then snuggling with your Ms. WM in the evening.
- Sleep all the time. Grandbabies, if they aren’t shitting or sucking on a warm nipple gushing milk, are sleeping. Sleep makes you rested and increases your VO2 max and wattage and etc.
- Holler like a motherfucker. Grandbabies don’t say “maybe.” When they are hungry, or have a poopy diaper, or want more warm milk and nipples, they howl at the top of their lungs. This oxygenates their whole body and scares the bejeebers out of you. When you are training you can occasionally holler really loud to oxygenate your gonads and etc.
- Get everyone to call you “cutie.” Grandbabies have everyone calling them “cutie” and “precious” and “sweetie” and “li’l umpkins” and “honey-poopsie” and etc. This makes them happy. You will train like a badass baller when you are happy from having your pals call you “li’l umpkins.”
- Snuggle. Grandbabies snuggle like nobody’s business and you should mix in a big beefy snuggle with your training partner in between interval workouts, even if he’s named “Maxwell O’Hairball” or “Svetlana Oglepits.” Especially if he’s named “Svetlana Oglepits.”
- Coo and gurgle. Grandbabies love to coo and gurgle. Instead of spitting up three pounds of old burrito during a hard workout, try cooing and gurgling instead. It is soft and precious and will make the edges of your mouth curl up cutely and etc.
- Get pushed around in a pram. It’s true that you have to ride a bike when you train, but the rest of the time you should have a matronly sort with a nursing bra pushing you around in a big pram or wheelchair to rest your leg muscles and varicose veins and etc. You ever see a grandbaby walk anywhere? No.
- Wash off in the sink. Grandbabies love to get washed in the kitchen sink. This saves water, which saves money, which means you’ll have more money to spend on 100% full carbon components that are all carbon and etc. If you can’t fit in the sink just wash one body part at a time, but not while your Ms. WM is cooking dinner, especially that body part.
- Flop around naked on your back while someone else wipes your butt. The awesomeness of this is pretty much self explanatory and etc.
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I don’t know where you get your grandfatherly instincts, Seth. My kids, all of childbearing age, have been sternly warned that wife and I have to be given one full year advanced notice of a planned or accidental pregnancy. This should be plenty of time for us to arrange our escape to a far away undisclosed location like Brazil where we can get to know our grandcritters via Facebook or Skype.
Brave words! Wait ’til the cuddly littlun arrives!
Oh li’l umpkins, today’s blog was soft and precious! In your very WM way you just filled my head with wonderful memories of holding my babies . I hope one day I will be as lucky to hold a few grand ones! Thank you for writing 🙂
They are hard to put down once you pick them up!
Cyclists have a lot in common w/ babies; the bottle thing for instance. Also, there’s not much difference between a chamois and a diaper. There’s cranky whining if they’re too hot, cold, overtired, a little hungry,or just a tad uncomfortable in any way. Chewing food is a problem. The biggest similarity though, is the sense that the world revolves around them and everyone should do their utmost to accommodate their desires. The biggest difference between babies and cyclists is that babies usually outgrow this behavior – unless they become cyclists.
Sold! #5: Get everyone to call you “cutie.” may be a challenge, but it sounds so much better than htfu.
Even better. Or GBTFU.