Itty bitty pity party
November 22, 2015 § 70 Comments
From the tires:
We had been in the box for like a year. Are we ever getting out of this stupid closet? Then the light comes on and woooosh–uncoiled! So rad! And he stretches us out and pops us on the rim, oh baby that felt sooooo gooood! So we were like, “Hey rims!” and they were like, “Oh, you’re the new guys, huh? Hope you last longer than the last ones.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” we asked because we were nervous. “You’ll see, just don’t fuck it up.” We were stoked to be on these rims they were 100% carbon and made of full carbon, FastForward F4R’s, bitchin’! He aired us up and stuck in new tubes, so rad!
Then a couple of hours later we’re on the road! Contact patch! Felt soooo gooood! Then the full carbon frame was like, “Easy on the hairpin, you idiots go flat you’ll get aired up again, but I snap,” and we were like “We got this!” Sooo awesome! Whoooosh! We are the rubber that meets the road then we hit the hairpin and oh shit holy shit no way not our first day aw fuck and now we’re in the air which by the way is NOT where tires do their best work and he’s on the ground spewing blood and the rims are screaming and the frame is hollering and the derailleur is ground off and next thing you know we’re stuffed into the back of a car and he’s hauled off in an ambulance and we’re unloaded into the living room and everyone is PISSED. The rims are like, “You had one job, assholes,” and the frame won’t even talk to us. Then the rims are like, “Hope you like the dumpster and the junkheap, assholes, because he’s never going to ride 23’s again. At least the German guys never slid out.”
Now nobody will even talk to us. Will he really ditch us after one ride? We’re really scared. What if we wind up on that guy Cobley’s rims?
From the rims:
I knew it was gonna be bad. First off he puts a 23mm French dude on the back. He never uses 23’s. Then he puts a fuggin’ 25mm on the front. Who does that? I’ll tell you who, someone scrounging around in the closet for leftover tires who isn’t paying attention, that’s who. Match the tires for dogsake. And if you’re not gonna match ’em, put the skinny one up front and the fat one behind. Any idiot knows that, even him. We tried to tell him but he’s so busy not prying his thumbnails off with the tire lever he doesn’t listen.
Then we talk to the new guys, who are French. I got no problem with French people but they were so fuggin’ cocky and my French isn’t that good. I told ’em that there was $10k of real equipment riding on a hundred bucks of rubber, so be careful, especially your first day out. I told ’em not to try anything trick until the silicone coating from the factory has had a chance to wear off but they wouldn’t listen. No one ever listens to the rims, even though we see everything.
Plus I told them he’s very aggressive on the first hairpin so be ready. Just be fuggin’ ready. But nope. They sailed into it full bore. We all knew what was coming it was just a matter of how bad was it gonna hurt and would we all wind up at Predator Carbon Repair. But we really felt sorry for the rear derailleur because it was a right hander. Him and the right bar end and the right shifter were gonna get shredded. And they did. And who gets off scot-free? The tires, of course. The stupid cocky French tires.
From the groin:
I don’t pay any attention to the whole bike thing. I’m a muscle/ligament devoted to standing and ambulation and the whole bike thing is frankly stupid. Now if I were a collarbone I’d be a nervous wreck. I don’t know how those guys stand the stress. Every single day they are on the front line, and all it takes is a stick or a crack in the road or Joe Yule and bam you are in surgery with pins and bolts and knives and a catheter.
Or a hip. They have it worse. No flesh covering, they’re the first ones to hit the ground and when they break it’s nasty, not to mention elbows. Have you ever seen his elbows or his skin? Yeccccch. But me? Dude, I’ve got it pretty good. If you’re a groin and you get hurt on a bicycle you are doing it wrong.
So we’re sailing down VdM like we always do and the collarbones are whining “Back it off” like they always do and the hips are saying, “Brake a bit, dummy,” like they always do, and everyone’s all nervous while he acts like he’s the Master of the Universe zooming into that hairpin so leaned he could practically drag a knee but we’ve got these new French dudes down below and they don’t give a single fuck until they start sliding then we’re all airborne, but I frankly am not worried. Sucks to be them, maybe now he’ll think about golf. Then “Wham!” we hit and whoa! Right leg is latched in the pedal and left leg drags behind the bike and oh my dog I start to stretch and I’m like, “Hey, what the hell is THIS?” then I keep stretching and then tearing as he does the splits and suddenly I’m unconscious.
The next thing I remember this cute doctor is looking at his nuts and poking me. Are they going to splint the banana? What the hell do they even do for me? A groin sling? It hurts like hell. They stick a needle in his ass “This will relieve the pain” they say and it still hurts like hell. I’m like “Why is the ass getting the shot? It doesn’t even hurt.”
Everyone’s all happy, of course, “Glad nothing’s broken!” and shit like that and all I can think is, “Wait until you try to stand up and walk, you bastard. I may hang out around the sweaty nuts and the bruised banana and I may not pedal a bike but when it comes to walking, you’re gonna find out who’s boss.”
And he does, the big baby. He starts moaning and whining like a little girl and they have to put him in a fuggin’ wheelchair and then back home he hobbles around on crutches, every step I jab him so hard he breaks out in a sweat and pants. You ought to see him hobbling around like he’s got a four foot stick up his butt. So lame. I don’t even glance over at the stupid bike and tires, sitting in the corner all dejected. Serves them right.
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Best crash description ever written. Those dang hairpins- not good on soft leaky front tires either. Glad you are OK (relatively speaking in the bike crash world)!
Thank you, Dave!!
Ouch! Weird I did the same thing on Friday new tires and I got front tire blown and 3 flats ! I did take the turns very slow 🐌 Well at least you going to get lot’s of grandpa time in! Love and healing kisses Seth ❤️
Voice of experience!
Ouch. On the off chance that this is factual and current I wish your groin a speedy recovery.
Poor groin, lives a pretty safe life…and aside from the NFL and wild monkey sex, should never be sored up. Be nice and appologize, maybe he’ll forgive you. Im sure clavicle, elbow, and pelvis are all laughing their asses off at groin this morning.
Dan, the groin also gets all messed up when, at 60, one is trying to lift heavy shit up on the truck…..I was too dumb to think about asking for help or even how to do it safely….
Dumb is Darwin’s finest scalpel.
Sorry buddy! Recover quick and I hope see you on the road when I’m back.
You think it hurts now. Go get some physical therapy on that pulled adductor longus and you’ll know real pain. Your cute therapist will sink her thumbs deep into your nether region. When she finds your writhing, inflamed muscle, her weight-lifter thumbs will oh-so-delicately smooth the length of it using your femur as a backstop. With tears leaking, you’ll say “Thank you ma’am, may I have another?”
My PT has caused me more pain than any other medical professional I’ve visited. That includes the dentist and the knee surgeon.
And the small & cute ones are the worst/best – little fingers made of case hardened steel, and hand strength to match. Hurts like hell, but man it works!
This, always this, every month from my physio, the tears they are real.
Damn my old broken body and it’s need for another persons hands touching areas only my wife or I should touch.
So I have that to look forward to.
This is one of those times that I wish it were all made up 😮 (
I wish you a speedy recovery Seth, really great write up though!
Thanks. I passed out getting to the chair and then slept four hours straight this AM. Horrible hurt for such a minor injury. #wherearetherealmen
I wish you a speedy recovery.
Heal up quickly, Seth- Glad to see your fingers weren’t injured! From experience – holding grand babies helps with the pain. Endorphins, I think 😉
Typing was fine walking to keyboard wasn’t!
Bummer about the crotch…I mean groin. Lucky you didn’t scrape your anus off in that splits position.
You’re also lucky you weren’t hurt worse or run over. I’m sorry this happened. Are you going to go see your regular doc?
It’s so weird that I knew it was you. I don’t even know where you live. Maybe because we were close to VDM when you crashed and I psychically picked up your brain waves of screaming agony.
Now comes a big test. Boredom and depression and temptation. Don’t succumb and if you want to, call one of us to go for a nice drive somewhere.
Thanks, Liz! Anus intact!!
You brought it up …
And yet you still posted!
Well anyway, you can now say “Like son, like father”.
Heal up quickly, if not painlessly, the both of you.
I was really hoping this was fiction; a little too graphic. But dumb is Darwin’s finest scalpel is one of the greatest lines ever. Going back to Germans?
No. Going to pair front 25 Frenchie with rear 25 Frenchie.
I think I found your problem: per the tires – “He aired us up and stuck in new tubes, so rad!” Perhaps had you stuck in new tubes THEN aired them up…. At any rate, sorry to hear of the rather unusual bike injury (and agree the clavicle is probably throwing a party) and best wishes for a speedy recovery, for both you and the bike. I do kinda feel sorry for the tires. They were so excited…
Clavicles have a massive hangover this morning.
Wednesday night, October 7, just got the new 23cm tires from BikeTires2Thin.com… I threw them on… wow, they look fast and THIN. Next morning on the way to the NPR race, 23cm is just thin enough to fit into a 23.5cm crack in a sidewalk I shouldn’t have been on… my 25cm tires would have rolled over this 23.5cm crack no problem.
Long story short, 23cm tires grab 23.5cm crack, and tosses me over the bars. Head plant, crushed T3 and cracked T10.
I’m now 23cm shorter.
I’ll order us some 28’s.
Enjoy the crotch therapy, and heal up. The Flog will be waiting.
Haha! 23cm is an unlucky number in Upper Volta.
Duuuude….This is a bummer. There is always abrasion involved when you preform the splits at a high rate of travel. I guess this is the least of your concerns. I’m hoping with you for a quick and minimal pain recovery.
You know, those turns are so fun and enticing but so unforgiving. Too bad they don’t suffer fools…I’m in trouble!
They are cycling’s version of the Venus Fly-Trap.
Best blog post ever! “Are they going to split the banana?” I’m crying! #blamethefuggin’tiresandnotthenutbehindthebars
And do I want nuts on top?
Damn, who’d have guessed this is the reason we are encouraged to stretch. And photos, please!
No pics, this is a dysfunctional family blog.
Hilarious and creative write-up. Kudos and get well!
Thanks and thanks!
Damn, that shit hurts! Google Cheers groin injury for a funny. Glad you’re relatively okay but what a good argument for yoga for cyclists!
Heal quickly, dude.
Remind me what the yoga groin stretch pose is called.
I believe it’s downward facing dong……
That’s it! Or downward dangling dong …
Nothing like a long painful paddle up the Inguinal Canal. I’d get those 28s from Junkyard. Save your snatch with increased contact patch! This would be a great time to take up yoga as well. And narcotics.
My rig which is 100% carbon and made of full carbon only takes 25’s.
I winced in sympathy, does that count?
I think you should be thanking me for not being hurt worse. My logic? 1) I bribed you to get a body scan. 2) You found out you have less then optimal bones (no surprise for a cyclist). 3) You started walking to strengthen your bones. 4) you crashed and had no broken bones. You’re welcome.
[Oh, and I’m really sorry you crashed! Sending healing vibes your way!]
I knew you were what caused me to bruise my banana instead of breaking my hip. Thank you.
Bummer, Big Homie. Get well. 💪🏽
hurts just by reading it….
all the best to you & Joe
Wanker…sorry to read. That is painful just thinking about it, let alone living it. I hope you heal quickly and can get on the bike soon. If you need any incentive (or excuse to do nothing), there are about eight weeks before a little ride around Ventura County I was hoping you feel like joining.
From experience, one of those Grandma type toilet extension seats that keep you from having to squat down so far, can be a miracle worker during that most personnel of moments. Rest up and I see another gold start is being earned by Mrs. WM for her nursing and nurturing of her battered spouse.
Squatting is okay. Typing is okay. Draining the lizard is okay. Standing or walking unassisted is so far a distant dream. Give me a few days!! And what’s this ride you’re talking about? Sounds easy and fun.
I truly can say I know your pain and my sympathies lie with thee.
Thank you sir.
Great write up. Tore my groin from the bone once, sneezed and cried a bit. God Speed.
OMG Seth. Sorry to hear, but vey very funny to read. And the comments! Downward dangling dong? I’m laughing so hard it hurts my ankle! Go hang out with the grandkid so Mrs. WM can take care of you and the little one at the same time. Least you can do is to make it easier on her. Heal up!
Thank you, Deb. My commenters are all crazy, too!
pics or it didn’t happen
Nothing ever happens, at least not on this blog.