So I have this totally lame injury to my groin. It’s super minor and only hurts when I move, and it has none of the cachet of a broken hip, bleeding brain, or a Full Prez.
Unfortunately, even though YOUR injury is a lot worse and hurts a lot more, and even though YOU were in the ICU for a month and even though the doctor said you’d likely never walk again (the following year you won nats), none of that reduces even one tiny little bit the agonizing pain that shoots up the right side of my nutsack every time I breathe.
Lots of friends have given me super advice about how to fix my pulled or strained or torn groin. One friend said that what I needed was to let her get at it with her pro thumbs, to dig down deep and relax the muscle with some deep tissue massage. I imagined myself splayed out on the couch with a cutie cupping her hands around my nuts and wondered if we were talking about the same thing.
Another friend said that the only real way to reduce the swelling was by icing the groin. We have a big blue ice thingy in the freezer so I figured it was worth a try, so I took it and jammed it down into my shorts. In about four seconds my balls froze and in about a minute they went numb and in about five minutes all swelling was reduced to the size of a couple of hairy gray raisins. I don’t know if that helped the groin muscles, but after the water in the blue plastic thingy melted I hobbled over to the fridge and popped it back into the freezer.
A couple of hours later Mrs. WM came home. “How you onna balls?” she asked.
“My balls are fine, it’s my groin, and it hurts.”
“Doctor tol’ you onna medicine and reduce bigness.”
“I think I got the swelling down some.”
“How you onna do that?”
“I iced it up real good.”
Mrs. WM looked at me funny. “What you icin’ it with?”
“That blue thingy in the freezer.”
The muscles around her eyes got all tight like they do before she filets a fish. “Thatsa my food cooler pack. Where you puttin’ that on?”
“Hell, honey, I had to put in on my nuts. My groin muscles are next to my nuts.”
She started yelling. “You better had put it onna towel!”
“Hell no I didn’t put a towel around it. That would make it less cold.”
“An’ where you puttin’ it now?”
“It’s back in the freezer, so I can freeze it and use it again.”
“You puttin’ my food cooler pack onna your shrinklies and stickin’ it back in a freezerator? What about my food?”
I hadn’t thought of that. “Well there’s nothing in the freezer but ice. And plus it’s cold enough to kill the germs. Not that I have any.”
“You puttin’ shrinkly germs inna freezerator! An what WE DRINKIN’ every dinnertime? Tell me onna that?”
“Uh … ice water … ”
The next thing I heard was a bunch of stuff getting yanked out of the freezer and thrown in the trash.
I think we’re all going to have milk with dinner.
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