The (bad) Dream Team

December 5, 2015 § 18 Comments

My friend Michael once described me as someone who followed the “method acting” method of writing. “You live it, then you write about it,” he explained.

He’s kind of right: It’s all true except for the parts I make up.

In that vein I’m hoping to assist those who have suffered a bad groin injury while cycling. After getting hurt, getting x-rayed (“Nothing broken!”), getting diagnosed (“Groin pull; will heal in two weeks”), doing vulvular stretches, and failing to get even the least bit better, I decided I’d better get some professional help.

As cyclists we think we can self-diagnose, or figure it out with the help of Dr. Google, or make a phone call to a pal who knows someone whose buddy is an orthopedist. But that’s foolish.

In the end, our bodies are delicate mechanisms, and it takes a trained expert to figure out what’s wrong, how to fix it, and most importantly, to lay out the course of care that is unique for you–because no matter how many generic Taiwanese bikes you own, you really are unique.

It was Friday morning when I met with the Super Medical Dream Team. They were finishing up their coffee cruise and had swung by my apartment to drop off coffee medication and some sugar-encrusted prescription apple fritters.

I stumped down the five flights of stairs, each step a hammer blow to my ballsack, to meet them where they convened at the pool. Fortunately, cyclists are a diverse group and there are quite a few who have expertise in medicine. Here was the team I assembled:

Junkyard: Occupation, graphic artist. Medical specialty, broken shit. Recent publications, “How I Ran into a Crack on the Sidewalk on Skinny Tires where I Shouldn’t Have Been in the First Place and Broke Three Vertebrae,” “Compound Elbow Fractures,” “Broken Wrists and the Velodrome,” “Post-care for Compound Femur Fractures,” and “Metal Detector Avoidance at Airports and Other Security Entrances.”

Major Bob: Occupation, retired military. Medical specialty, visiting injured friends in the hospital, listening to their organ recital. Recent publications, “STFU Already,” “It’s Your Front Wheel, not Mine,” “Cry Me a River,” and “If it Hurts, Stop Doing It.”

Hockeystick: Occupation, real estate development. Medical specialty, blood sugar levels. Recent publications, “Collarbone Fractures on the Velodrome,” “Socio-Medical Effects of Closing Down Local Farmer’s Markets,” “Beer: Does it Solve Everything?” and “Your Stupid NRA Shit Makes Me Sick.”

Punkin: Occupation, fitness trainer. Medical specialty, ballsacks. Recent publications, “Quit Whining,” “It’s Supposed to Hurt,” “I Can Fix That,” and “How Does THIS Feel?”

After an apple fritter apiece, the dream team went over my symptoms.

Hockeystick: Can you still get a boner?

Me: Yep.

Hockeystick: Then it can’t be your groin. And even if it is, who cares?

Punkin: Let me press it with my thumbs.

Major Bob: Is there any more coffee?

Junkyard: Is there any swelling in the pelvic area?

Me: Only when there’s a boner.

Junkyard: I mean the muscle and the area around the inner thigh.

Punkin: If you have a torn muscle you will feel a lump where the muscle has torn away. Here, let me press on it for you.

Me: Get your fuggin’ thumbs away from me!

Junkyard: Hurt when you walk?

Me: Eye-watering.

Junkyard: Hurt when you lie on your side?

Me: Eye-watering.

Junkyard: Hurt when you sit?

Me: Eye-watering.

Major Bob: At least you don’t need eyedrops.

Junkyard: Dude, you have a cracked pelvis.

Then the Dream Team took a vote and concluded that that was the proper diagnosis.

Me: Do I still need to go to the other doctor for the MRI?

Dream Team: Naaaaaaah.

Hockeystick: Just give us each fifty bucks and we’ll call it good. Hella cheaper than an MRI.

Me: Done.

[To be continued … ]



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§ 18 Responses to The (bad) Dream Team

  • dangerstu says:

    Is apple fritter the new brownie?

  • Worldchamp says:

    Oh! I think I now know who Junkyard is! I’ve always wondered.

    I don’t know if you have a broken hip (wouldn’t be surprised by that diagnosis though) but I agree that it’s time to get it checked again. Clearly something is wrong. We want our Wanky back in one piece. 😦

    • fsethd says:

      Didn’t you take credit for it NOT being a fracture? I want my money back!! Wait a minute …

  • Dave says:

    Dr. Google says cracked pelvis takes twelve weeks to heal. Time is whats needed. I am very impressed with your cadre of medical consultants. I include myself in the “we” who care for you and your full

  • Michelle Landes says:

    A visit with that group of guys sounds like just what the Dicktor ordered! Ps that was autocorrect to good to fix lol😂

  • Hahaha…”Major Bob: At least you don’t need eyedrops.”

  • Winemaker says:

    I consider myself a tough dude. I “hairline cracked” my pelvis in 2005, getting hit by a blood-sucking illegal alien while I was going about 55 down a steep hill here in San diego…..and it did NOT get diagnosed, but separated to become a “broken” pelvis 6 months later. I feel your “eye wateringness”…I was in the gym doing lat pull-downs with Sal when the whole thing blew up….She had to drive home.
    10 years later I am fat and happy. I drink some wine (a lot) and watch skinny dudes like you race. Ha!

  • LesB says:

    Of course the “how long to heal” factor is quite age related. The more you descend into geezerhood the longer it takes. I mean “ascend”.

    • fsethd says:

      Yes. Grandbaby scratched his face yesterday, today the skin has completely healed. My road rash still looks like road rash …

  • Jim says:

    What good is medical insurance if you don’t make them pay for stuff every now and then? See a doctor

  • Jah Slim says:

    I concur with the broken pelvis diagnosis. Two docs didn’t see my cracked ichial tuberosity but the third did. Break both of ’em and it’s a body cast. Break one an it’s sleeping in the Lazy-Boy for three weeks. Get well sooner.

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