Armstrong: “Don’t be a dick.”
December 11, 2015 § 14 Comments
Somewhat bored retired pro cyclist Lance Armstrong sat down with CitSB today to follow up on an interview he gave with the Movember Men’s Health Podcast yesterday, in which he talked about the importance of treating people well.
CitSB: So you’ve had some time to think about your bad behavior, it sounds like?
LA: Yeah. And I’ve learned some lessons.
CitSB: Like what?
LA: First and foremost, you know, don’t be a dick.
CitSB: Would you care to elaborate?
LA: Sure. It’s a bad idea to treat people like pieces of stinking shit. You know, to abuse them, harass them, scream at them, attack them, belittle them, make fun of them, hold them in contempt, treat them like lesser life forms, physically frighten them, call them liars when they’re telling the truth, ostracize them, fire them, get them fired, sue them, force them to defend meritless litigation, strip them of their dignity, grind them into the dirt as if they’re worthless pieces of subhuman shit, humiliate them in public, libel them in print, spread lies about them to hundreds of millions of people through social media, impugn their character, ruin their lives, destroy their family peace and happiness, crush their sense of self worth, leave them feeling isolated and hated, expose them to ridicule, maliciously defame them with the intent to wreck the foundations of their existence, orchestrate campaigns to devastate them emotionally, retain legal professionals to castigate and intimidate them, corner them in bars and threaten them, hire PR mouthpieces to spread rumors, call them up and terrorize them, berate them, curse them, kick them when they’re down, and, you know, just kind of generally not be a nice guy.
CitSB: Wow, that’s pretty insightful. And what was it that made you realize all this?
LA: Gosh, I’m about to be bankrupted and at age 40-something it looks like I may have to, you know, work for a living. Get a job, that kind of thing.
CitSB: Whoa. I’ve heard that’s a bummer.
LA: Me, too. But I’ll endure. I’m a survivor.
CitSB: Any last words you’d like to leave us with?
LA: Yeah. Trump. Donald Trump.
CitSB: What about him?
LA: Not trying to tell him how to live his life, but you know, if you go around squat-shitting on enough people’s heads, eventually you’re gonna shit on a Betsy. And you know the big karma wheel grinds slowly …
CitSB: … but it grinds exceedingly fine.
CitSB: Thanks for the interview.
LA: Don’t mention it. You hiring?
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He has had a lot of time to see how others – many, many others – view him. It is not impossible that he can grow from it and change to a better person. It happens and we should be able to recognize it if so….
“Eventually you’re gonna shit on a Betsy” is pure comedy gold. Remind me to start paying you again. (My paypal account got all screwed up)
Reminder: Please start paying me again.
Funny as balls!! Uh, ur, I mean that singularly…ball, right?? Or was it left? Oh, whatever. You know what I mean. Man, that’s hitting below the belt, I guess.
It also struck me, how do you go from Oprah to Movember Man?? That’s one helluva fall from Grace, or Disgrace rather.
Thanks for the laugh Seth! Heal up!
Thanks. His next interview is slated with the Bastrop High School newspaper.
Might be a good tactic – changing his name to Richard Headley, then he can spend the rest of his life saying yes I know I look like that disck Lance Armstrong…
The “it’s a bad idea…” paragraph rivals XVIII century German philosophers in length and wisdom. You should be proud.
Me and Immanuel. Thanks.
Damn that’s good, Seth. Laughed out loud. Keep it up and I’ll have to buy another subscription.
Before we lose all hope in the pro circuit and world tour cyclists, check out the Velonews interview with Joe Dombrowski. What a good kid. Let’s hope he has a good year.
Yep. But rough sledding for anyone who wants to make it clean. Hope he does!