What I would have done

December 13, 2015 § 18 Comments

It was a huge bummer to learn that Charon brought his whole Surf City team to the Donut Ride today, knowing he did that because he knew I was on the injured reserve disabled got a boo-boo list. That is pretty much the only way those guys were going to have a chance, was by making sure I was down for the count.

I called four or seven buddies after the ride and got the lowdown on how it went down and it was exactly what I expected, a bunch of fakers who did good because the real hammer was back at home locked up in the toolbox.

So I put all their stories together and applied the principle of equal lying, which says that even when someone is lying and bikers don’t do nothing but lie the only liars who lie worse are surfers and the way the principle works is this. If somebody lies about how hard he went, which is pretty much all they do, then you compare the lie (450 watts) with what you know from having stomped their dicks regularly (180 watts) and get the differential of 270 watts as how much they are lying by.

Then you apply that which is about 2.5 to everything they say in reverse in other words they say “I was tenth on the climb” you know that’s a 2.5-times lie so you bump it down to 25th place. So I figured out how the ride really went and then it was easy for me to figure out what I would have done if had been there which is to stomp everyone’s dick pretty good.

First Tatty-poo takes a flyer out of Malaga Cove and Smasher goes with him. I would have started the attack and dropped everybody if I had been there. Then Frenchy Number Un sneaks up to their rear wheel and doesn’t take a pull because he’s sneaky French which is saying the same thing twice.

I would have stomped so hard I would have rode away from them right there.

Then Smasher and Tatty-poo tow Frenchy Number Un to the bottom of the Switchbacks and they kick it hard. That is where I would have stomped double extra hard and dropped them hard, right there. They would have been crying to mommy and begging for mercy but I would have mercied them with a swift stomp to the gonads. Just rode away. Boom-boom-boom. Suckers.

Then they hammered some more and dropped Frenchy Number Un and got a little ways up and then boom! They got the bum’s rush by the Destroyer, Wily, G$, Strava Jr., Ponygirl, and Junior Jr. If I had been with Smasher and Tatty-poo which I wouldn’t have been because I would have stomped their dicks a long time ago, but if I was I would have jumped in with Destroyer & Co. and then smashed them all.

I would have done it with my tremendous power and ridden away all by myself.

But then they were all together to the top of the Switchbacks and they punched it on the little wall and off came Tatty-poo and Wily and pretty soon Smasher and Junior Jr. That’s where I would have smashed everyone super hard.

If I was back with Smasher and Junior Jr. which I wouldn’t have been I would have taken a deep breath and smashed it hard until I caught the leaders and then I would have double-smashed them and rode off.

Then it was just Ponygirl and Strava Jr. and G$ because they dropped Destroyer using their tremendous power. I would have used my tremendous power which is way more tremendous than theirs combined and would have smashed them.

Then at the end Strava Jr. rode away from G$ and Ponygirl and won the whole giant prize. I would have totally smashed him. I would have attacked and jumped and sprinted super hard like a rocket ship they wouldn’t have even seen me I would have gone so fast.

That’s what I would have done.



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§ 18 Responses to What I would have done

  • Mark says:

    Wanky, ease back on your meds a bit bro, you’re hallucinating.

  • Manslaughter says:

    But how did Hair’s “hair” look??? That is the question everyone is wondering… Get with it Wanky!!!

    • fsethd says:

      I crushed and stomped him so bad, would have, that is, that I never got a chance to would have seen. And in the sprunt at Hawthorne, let me tell you how I would have owned the Surf leadout train. I would have first off led myself out and then sprunted around me and that pretty much would have been it until some Hot Wheels dude with a borrowed Big O asphalt magnet did a few cartwheels.

  • dangerstu says:


    You clicked EPO on the power settings in your ride-auto-blog app again didn’t you?

  • GT says:

    “a swift stomp to the gonads”

    Well you know how much that hurts don’t you?

  • dan martin says:

    Then there was that whole gnarly wind part that Im sure none of them even noticed.

    • fsethd says:

      I certainly didn’t. I would have cut through that wind while they were stealing my teammate like a knife through butter.

  • Minnesota Expat says:

    That’s EXACTLY what I’d have done. If I wasn’t 55 years-old and living 1,000 miles away in San Antonio.

  • strava junior says:

    For the record, everyone there knew that you would have stomped much d*** on the switchbacks the first time, and the second time, and at the church sprint, and maybe even on Zumaya-Coronel. But soon enough you’ll be back on the bike and embarking on the journey to conquer all, from the Men of LaGrange to the Orcs of SCC and even the little elves like me.

    • fsethd says:

      Glad someone out there in Internet land knows the score. Exactly. And don’t get me started on the orcs.

      • ipdamages says:

        when i wrote that comment, i wasn’t aware of the smashergate scandal; i was merely looking for lord of the rings metaphors, and SCC is, to me, an unstoppable army of beasts with a single mission: destroy the competition. of course, so is monster media. but the little elvenfolk like ponytail, wily greek, and i do what we can when the battles head up to the forests and high mountains. but in the end, this is all just a bunch of fantasy games of old men playing in tights and ridiculous costumes.

  • sibex9591 says:

    Reading Silas Marner and the author described a bit of dialog as discursive rambling. I looked it up and immediately thought of this post 🙂

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