My goals for CTS in 2016

Carmichael Training Systems, founded by exercise guru and former pro cyclist Chris Carmichael is looked up to worldwide for its ability to help people get the most out of their bodies. CTS recently published a fantastic list of six goals NOT to make this year, and since CTS has done the community a great favor by listing these six important “Thous shalt nots,” I thought I’d return it by giving them some goals for 2016. Chris & Co., you can PayPal me any amount you think appropriate.

  1. Expunge all Internet traces of Carmichael’s relationship with Lance Armstrong. Chris advertised for years as Armstrong’s coach and rode the syringe’s coattails all the way to success even though he was purportedly aware of Lance’s doping for decades. Fortunately, once Lance was revealed to be a cheater, a liar, and a fraudster, CTS has put more distance between Chris and his former protege than there are miles between here and the Crab Nebulae. However, inconvenient Internet links still exist that remind potential clients of Chris & Lance. For 2016, let’s get all those links deleted!
  2. Not dope any juniors against their will. Chris was sued by former juniors on the national team for allegedly force-injecting them with PED’s, leading to horrific injuries and side effects. Coach Carmichael is believed to have settled the allegations under a confidential agreement, so without admitting wrongdoing he was presumably able to pay off his victims without having this nasty chapter of cycling history attached to his Teflon brand. For 2016, let’s not dope juniors against their will!
  3. Sell another 50 containers of snake oil. CTS has mastered the art of selling people what they could get for free, i.e. bicycling fitness and health advice which anyone with a brain knows is this: 1) Ride more. 2) Do what you enjoy. 3) Decline the fourth trip down Ming Yang’s $4.99 All U Can Inhale Chinese Buffet.
  4. Double training camp reservations. The high point of any CTS sucker’s, er, member’s membership, is attending a training camp where you can dream of briefly rubbing shoulders with Chris or receive an extended jock-sniffing session with his old riding shorts. These camps are led by accomplished amateur and pro bike racers who think you are a fat, worthless pile of cattle crap even as they smile, wait for you on the clumb, eagerly paw at you for tips, and seethe at making $9.99 an hour while CTS is raking in all the cash.
  5. Expand the number of profamateurs who get full evaluations. Because you are a profamateur bike racer who may one day enter a Cat 5 race or get your Wanky Cat 2 upgrade after 25 years, it’s important to know your body composition. Whereas the typical Internet coach will just tell you, “Your body is composed mostly of water,” or simply “oxygen,” at CTS they will make you blow into a funny tube and pedal a bike that is stuck to the floor while trying to self-induce heart failure. They will take pictures you can post to show how much you suffered.
  6. Get more people to wade deeper into their cycling delusion. At CTS, after determining your body’s oxygen content (Hint: lots!), you can sign up for a life-changing experience that the rest of the world will regard as madness, i.e. sign up for a “tour” of sections of P-R, Flanders, etc. These will closely replicate the races themselves except that they will come with 4-star lodging, fine food, coach coddling, and lots of supportive emails to help you reach your personal best, even if that means riding 10k in rain along a cow path lined with pig poop.

But perhaps our biggest resolution for CTS is that it continues to succeed with its sports performance by ensuring that “CTS Athletes experience a 10% increase in sustainable power in the first 6 months of coaching.” If a 10% increase in power doesn’t translate into a happier, healthier life then nothing will!



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24 thoughts on “My goals for CTS in 2016”

  1. and you may add: stop putting trademark/copyright/I’ll-suit-you-if-you-dare symbols (c) with any permutation of letters forming non-sense acronyms.

  2. 1979..OTC…2 Man TTT’s used to measure something by Eddy B. (Of course, if LeMond, Lutz or Keifel was your partner, you hung on and looked pretty good). Chris C. hit the front about 20% of the time in his 2-Man TTT, and spent 100% of his off bike time kissing ass. Landed on the National Team….what a kittykat.

    1. He has the palmares of my guinea pig, now deceased. Was always known as a creampuff dicksmoker.

      1. Carmichael ought to be in jail for being a pusher or at least a conspirator who coerced young athletes to use drugs. Along with a few other cocksuckers involved with this BS.

        1. If he’d done it to any of my kids jail would have been the equivalent of a full pardon compared to what he’d have gotten.

  3. I’m fairly sure you get more than 10% in sustainable power from doing the Flog once a week for six months.

  4. Uncle Chainwhip

    Can’t believe people still give him money.
    It’s like the Mafia without a threat.
    A donkey into a racehorse? —-Child abuse? Look what he did to Chan McRae!
    I got plenty of stories, but get some firsthand from M. Sarna…..

    1. That’s Chann with two N’s. I got it wrong once when it mattered. He’s an Austin police officer now.

  5. Chapeau. I can’t even think of that MF’er without becoming furious. Please karma be real for him and all the special criminals who continue to make piles of cash on dirty-lying-cheating-fame.

  6. One of the facts that vanished is Armstrong being doped by Carmichael, during the same era as Wenzel/Carmichael were doping kids.

    Every international result was doped. All of them. Since the start.

    Some fun facts here if someone knows how to read them.

    I was told it shows other riders tested better than Armstrong. But, I don’t know. When you get to the end, Carmichael, Gorski, Burke…

    Here’s the original 60 Minutes story: Note that Armstrong is mentioned as a team member.

    And it only got worse with Thom Wiesel, who is as ignorant as Sebastian Coe.

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