Tour of Qatar bans women from competition

Sheikh Wahabbi al-Wasabi, the Honorable Righteous and Mostly Correct High Potentate of Earth’s Supremely Splendiferous Royal Realm of Qatar, has followed up his ban of the Etixx-QuickStep pro team for “disciplinary reasons” with a concurrent ban of all women racers who, according to Sheikh Wasabi, “Are currently experiencing, have experienced, or plan to experience at some point in the future the Unmentionable Thing Of Women Not Spoken Of By The Righteous And Holy,” i.e. that which Donald Trump scientifically refers to as “coming from their whatever.”

Cycling in the South Bay caught up with Sheik al-Wasabi just after the sixteenth prayer session of the day in the High Holiest Mosque al-Wasabi of Earth’s Supremely Splendiferous Royal Realm of Qatar to talk about gender equality, the Etixx-QuickStep ban, and why anyone should give two shits about a religion that makes you wear a hat.

CitSB: First, what’s up with banning Etixx-QuickStep from the Tour of Qatar?

AW: As we said in the press release, they take too much time to change their shoes. This is rudeness to Allah.

CitSB: It is?

AW: Very much. And last year we sent a special lady to hurry them up and they talked to her not in a very nice way.

CitSB: What kind of “very special lady?” Was she wearing fishnet stockings?

AW: She was honorable fifteenth pre-pubescent wife of Secondarily Greatest Plumbing and Hotel Infrastructure Manager of Earth’s Supremely Splendiferous Royal Realm of Qatar, Sheikh Wahabbi al-Hamachi. The riders spake rudely, most rudely.

CitSB: What did they say?

AW: She was told to cough.

CitSB: Cough? What’s rude about that?

AW: We are unclear as to this matter, however, His Excellency the Supreme Translator of English Words and Foodstuffs of Earth’s Supremely Splendiferous Royal Realm of Qatar, Sheikh Wahabbi al-Maguro, insists it was great rudeness to insist that the special lady cough.

CitSB: Well, I’ve heard lots of insults, but “Cough!” isn’t one of them.

AW: It was preceded by the “Fuh.”

CitSB: Fuh?

AW: Sheikh Wahabbi al-Maguro, His Excellency the Supreme Translator of English Words and Foodstuffs of Earth’s Supremely Splendiferous Royal Realm of Qatar, insists that the “fuh cough” is a great rudeness. We will soon discover how this differs from other coughs and begin disciplinary proceedings and jihad and fatwah and etcetera against the infidel Belgians, but until then we shall ban them for shoe-changing slowness and the fuh cough blasphemy from participating in the Most Supreme and Challenging Display of Human Triumph in the Jewel of the Desert at the Bicycle Tour of Earth’s Supremely Splendiferous Royal Realm of Qatar.

CitSB: Moving on. I understand there are some problems with the women’s race?

AW: This matter is not mentionable by the Utmost of Holy Men.

CitSB: Could you give me a hint?

AW: As was decreed by the Holiest Imam Under The Skirts Of Allah, Sheikh Wahabbi al-Uni, first the lady racers shall be always covered of head and body with great modesty.

CitSB: Uh, I don’t know how much time you’ve spent around women bike racers, but “lady” isn’t exactly the right word here. I mean, when’s the last time you saw a lady blow a snot rocket?

AW: We are unfamiliar with such weaponry.

CitSB: No, no, a snot rocket isn’t a weapon, it’s a, uh, never mind. Anyway. So how are the women gonna race with turbans and long dresses and those facemask-garbage bag things over their heads?

AW: This matter was resolved by His Occasional Greatness Sheikh Wahabbi al-California Roll, who rules all dictates of the lady clothing especially the linen that touches the parts that the holy do not mention yet are treasured in personal collections and worn at special occasions. Sheikh al-California Roll has decreed that for the lady racers, all competition would be done in a stately and processional fashion so as not create exertion or unsightly perspiration or huffing and puffing reminiscent of unmentionable acts which the holy typically only view on select video download web sites.

CitSB: I see.

AW: When it was brought to our attention that in addition to shoe-changing rudeness of the men, many of the lady racers would potentially experience uncleanliness, we canceled their race or offered to let them race in a stately fashion but if the unmentionable occurred we would be forced to penalize them with beatings and whippings unclothed and perhaps prison and a loss of earnings.

CitSB: Which you’ll record on video with your pals, naturally.

AW: But of course.



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25 thoughts on “Tour of Qatar bans women from competition”

    1. I was thinking just the same thing. There goes Citsb’s invitation to tour the Tour of Qatar.

      Fuh Cough though is priceless. I know I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t, and therefore was immensely rewarded when it came. Thank You!

      1. I just finished reading Darwin’s “Origin of Species.” Religion is bunk. Today’s target just happened to be the Qatari bozos who think Islam is anything other than a silly concatenation of fairy tales used to justify oppression and dictatorial rule. What the Qataris have done is enslave tens of thousands of “guest workers” to, among other things, show the world how modern they are.

  1. “We will soon discover how this differs from other coughs and begin disciplinary proceedings and jihad and fatwah and etcetera against the infidel Belgians…”

    That’s a fantastic sentence. I felt like I was reading Jerome K. Jerome.

  2. Whoever thought up that fatwah stuff was brilliant. Mr Imam dude could just wake up one morning and say, “bicycle racers with hidden motors are now ok”…praise Allah!

  3. 1. Ladies Tour of Qatar was last week and they wore lycra and it was unusually competitive. 2. Regarding the Etixx ban: the only way for Cav to win was if Kittel wasn’t allowed to race. It happened.

    1. PS: I’m still amazed that women’s events are called “Ladies.” Pretty hilarious in a sexist and misogynistic way, i.e. not at all.

      1. It’s Qatar! I’m amazed they let “ladies” in lycra shorts race there.
        Mind boggling that they excluded the team that won 8 of the last 11 Tours. Maybe that’s why?

  4. Top o’ the list, Wanky!…you finally made the top step of a podium in a “real” tour – The Tour of Heavenly Bliss and Virgins.
    You don’t have to worry about getting in to the Tour of Qatar. Two beady and bug-eyed “radicalized” American or otherwise green-carders will be giving you a visit soon. Don’t waste the entry fee money. The only thing you are going to be pushing is daisies, bro.

    1. Hahaha! Islam is so stupid and the people who run Islamic countries are so nasty that they deserve the equally stupid and nasty Trump/Cruz duo they’re about to get.

  5. It’s cool. Chicks are slow and boring on bikas. Just like guys are hairy and ugly on the runway. Let’s evolve to the point where we acknowledge that men are not women and women are not men.


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