New doping meats Michael Buckley of Reno, Nevada, accepted his four-year doping suspension for doping as a doped doper with grace, courage, humility, thoughtfulness, and optimism tinged with regret.
Buckley’s masters cycling profamateur agent, Hoydinck van der Leyen van Poppkorn, issued the following statement:
“Michael wants to apologize to his Specialized-Touchstone Masters teammates, none of whom dope or knew anything about doping in general or his doping in particular, his wife, his kids, and of course his mom and dad and brother Biff. This doping suspension for using dope and being a doper in no way defines who he is, his ethics, or his character. He plans to move forward to put this one-time mistake behind him and work to foster an environment where doping does not have to be an option for California masters profamateurs trying to achieve their dreams and win the 35+ Festersore RR in East Stonefuck, which has twelve entrants and a $12 prize list.”
CitSB caught up with Buckley, the doping doper meats who doped, and got an exclusive interview.
CitSB: That was a pretty heartfelt statement written by your agent.
Meats: Yeah, he’s good. Fuggin’ Belgians know how to say “sorry” for doping, y’know?
CitSB: What’s next for a washed up masters profamateur doping meats like yourself?
Meats: I’ve had a long time to think about this since December, that’s a full three months.
CitSB: One full “cycle.”
Meats: Exactly. And I want to make the sport better. It’s not right that we profamateurs have to choose, in the quest to actualize our dreams of winning the local training crit, between racing clean and being loaded to the meats on doping meats. I want a sport where you don’t have to choose. Where it’s not meats or nothing.
CitSB: Wow, that’s really impressive. How are you going to achieve it?
Meats: I’m going to start a web site.
CitSB: A web site?
Meats: Yeah. It’s called Gastrocnemia Patients Group.
CitSB: Is that even a word?
Meats: Yes. It comes from the gastrocnemius vein, one of the veins of the leg. There are a lot of people out there with gastrocnemiitis, a rare disease of the leg veins that inhibits the uptake of things you put in it.
CitSB: Uh, okay. And what does one do on this web site?
Meats: It’s for informational purposes only. How to obtain maximal uptake for the leg vein in case you’re really ill and need to put something in there.
CitSB: I see.
Meats: And I’m also going into cycling apparel.
CitSB: Do tell.
Meats: There’s a high demand for custom, bespoke, made-to-measure cycling clothing, high end stuff that is clean, fits well, lasts forever, and stands out on the group ride.
CitSB: Do you have a name for the line?
Meats: Uh-huh. That’s trademarked, by the way, so shoot me a copy of this interview before you publish it so I can have my lawyers proof it to make sure you don’t infringe on my Meatsmark.
CitSB: So why the name “Meats?”
Meats: Because it takes a lot of power to, you know, make the big meat sing.
CitSB: Are we still talking about cycling?
Meats: You know, the big meat. The big ring. That’s what we used to say when we were drilling it in the 53 x 11. “He’s making the big meat sing.”
CitSB: Got it. Singing meat. What are the first product offerings on this … Meats … website?
Meats: We’ve got the red “Extra Watts jersey” for $631 per vial, the “Recovery bibs” for $589, and the “Race Day speedsuit” for $1,550 in two monthly treatments.
CitSB: Are you on Strava by any chance?
Meats: Yes. That’s part of my marketing strategy.
CitSB: It is?
Meats: I’m going to get lots of KOM’s using my Meats to raise Meats brand awareness and awareness of gastrocnemiitis.
CitSB: Do you think people might actually be turned off by Michael Buckley, a doping meats doper who doped and got caught cheating by doping against other people who also might have been doping?
Meats: No way. People will understand that you make mistakes. Ask forgiveness, never permission. Toss in a few rebel alleycat unsanctioned races and talk a little smack, maybe get a few tatts, I’ll have a whole new career turning my life around just in time to age up for 45+ masters nats.
CitSB: Hasn’t this all been done before?
Meats: Not that I know of.
CitSB: What’s your Strava handle, by the way?
Meats: “Meatsquatch.” But you can’t write that. It’s trademarked.
CitSB: Of course.
For $2.99 per month you can subscribe to this blog and follow the exploits of Meatsquatch. Click here and select the “subscribe” link in the upper right-hand corner. Thank you!