Urinating on the gift

I paid little attention to the faux exploits of Dan Bilzerian as he pedaled his way to a cool million or so in a bet about whether or not he could ride from Las Vegas to Hollywood in 48 hours. But I did pay attention to the controversy it generated in my little corner of the universe, because shortly after winning the bet Bilzerian posted a Facegag video with this charming bit of literature:


Two things stand out:

  1. Hates gays.
  2. Hates cycling.

So he’s probably not going to be someone I invite to my next Gay Men’s Fitness Ride. But what bothered me wasn’t this painfully short dude trying to make up for it with daddy’s money and a bushy beard, but it was that people in my cycling community got their teeth caught in their zippers over it.

Bilzerian allegedly spent upwards of $60k at local bike shop Helen’s in Santa Monica and another bundle on the coaching services of Nate Loyal. Then, after the ride he stuck a fork in their eyes by laughing at our “fake” sport, pocketing a ton of money, and merrily skipping back to his stock-in-trade of misogyny, small penis machismo, and Instagram blather.

This pissed off some other Westsiders, one of whom is named Tony. He was not, shall we say, amused, and a host of other cyclists were enraged at the insults that Shorty sprayed on our sport like a fire extinguisher filled with shit. Bilzerian had succeeded in doing what he apparently does best: Playing to his audience (non-cycling misogynistic gay-hating couch potatoes) and showing the middle finger to everyone else. Oh, and picking up a cool million.

So first things first, and you’re not gonna like it. This was an impressive athletic accomplishment. I don’t care if he drafted. I don’t care if he had 7-time-Tour-de-Doper Lance Armstrong offering coaching advice. I don’t care if he rode a recumbent.

What matters is that an avowed non-cyclist pedaled from Vegas to Hollywood in 48 hours. It’s a long ass way and most Americans, let alone the congenital sloths who make up Bilzerian’s fan base, couldn’t do it if their clogged arteries depended on it.

But it gets better. The dude proved that you don’t have to be very fit or very athletic or very ANYTHING to ride your bike hundreds of miles. If you have the desire, motivation, and money, you can do it, and better yet, you don’t even need the money. Anyone mildly desirous of getting in shape and having fun can, with a bit of preparation and commitment, ride a bike incredible lengths and achieve amazing stuff.

For that Bilzerian deserves credit. He’s the ultimate Fred and he did it his way. What’s not to like?

Now that you mention it, a couple of things, for example, he’s a homophobic misogynist who beat self-important cyclists at their own game.

Can I back up a sec?

Bilzerian didn’t beat anyone except another gambler. He didn’t win a bike race. He didn’t pin on a number. He didn’t contest an event with multiple entrants under a set of rules. He sure as fuck didn’t line up at San Dimas. He bet some other dude some money and won and claimed to have mastered the sport of cycling, which according to him isn’t even a real sport. I won a game of flag football against some little kids, proving that the NFL is a joke.


And the people who helped him on his way? Well, they got paid for it, and apparently they were paid pretty well. If Bilzerian had come to me after getting run over by a truck I wouldn’t have turned down his case just because he’s a douchebag.

The only thing this guy did that bothers me at all is this: He created a division among good people where none needs to be. Tony was right to take a stand and criticize the guy’s misogyny and hatred of gays and he was right to scorn Bilzerian’s claim that he has somehow exposed cycling as a non-sport. But Helen’s and Nate were also right to take the money and do the job. If every bike fitter and bike shop had to police the politics of their customers before providing their service, there would be few bike shops and even fewer bike fitters. In fact, providing services based on the customer’s sexual orientation is exactly what the states of North Carolina and Mississippi have just done, and it’s not turning out well for anyone.

The wasted part is that Bilzerian was introduced to the nicest bunch of people and invited to be part of a global fraternity. We are men, women, and children of every persuasion, ethnicity, nationality, and political belief. We ride for fun, for work, and for transportation. And for the most part we prefer riding to not, and are happy to see new people share in our passion.

Small Dan Bilzerian couldn’t see, or wasn’t interested in the gift. And instead of politely handing it back with a “No, thanks,” he urinated on it, then dumped it on the dinner table.

That’s too bad, but not for us. The gift is eternal and easily washed off, re-wrapped, and passed back on to your friend, your spouse, your child, your grandchild, or the neighborhood kid.

And if he ever gets tired of being a professional douche, he’ll find that the gift is all cleaned up, ready, and waiting for Dan Bilzerian, too.



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41 thoughts on “Urinating on the gift”

    1. Me neither. So I googled him. One of the first hits was internet social media personality. “Alles klar” as zee germans would say.

  1. who beat self-important cyclists at their own game.

    What game? Riding to Vegas slowly?

    I’m sorry some people that ride bikes took his B.S. personally, but you could see he was bad news 100 miles away.

    The right answer: “Helen’s is happy to have made Mr. Blah-blah a wealthy man. We can help you successfully ride from L.A.-ish to Vegas. Come on by!” More or less what you posted.

    1. Helen’s is a good shop. I wouldn’t have turned away the business, either.

  2. Who, he did what, and I care why?
    I left a dump in the toilet this morning, is that significunt?

    1. I hope you’re not going to tell me you come to this blogspot because it deals with things that are significant. I really, really hope you’re not.

  3. According to Hemingway it’s not a sport either…

    Move on People…

    Nothing to see here…

  4. I don’t get it, who would bet that? (Or is this noname a real slug?) It is only 444 km in 48 hr.
    Every year hundreds of men & women do various 600 km rides in under the 40 hr MINIMUM allowable time under Randonneurs USA rules.

    1. Who would bet that? People with much more than that in the bank. We need bigger and more public bets.

      As for the rest, yeah I don’t really get the reaction or accomplishment either.

    2. Yes, but none of them are couch slugs. For most people, simply uttering the phrase “300 mile bike ride” ranks up there with “fly to the moon.”

  5. Yeah. He is what he is.

    It WAS SAD to see the hubris, jealousy(huh? what? why?) and starfucking.. wait, if he’s not a star.. Yes, Virginia, you can buy just about anything and anyone these days. And SAD that persons who previously were considered at least moderately respectable so quickly and wholely denigrated themselves for the cau$e. The gladhanding was.. just SAD.

    I’m surprised more people didn’t see it for what it actually was: a cry for help disguised as a bicycle stunt.

    P.s. Remember that to non-cyclists, riding 25 miles is HUGE.

  6. The dude is an unoriginal fake in every sense. The last line he wrote, the one referencing “real sports” and “not trying to be the best at exercising,” is a full rip-off of a t.v. show called Eastbound and Down starring Danny McBride as a former MLB pitcher turned substitute teacher. Even when he tries to be mean, he’s a poser.

  7. Only because I am a faithful reader of CitSB have I found out about about this blithering guy’s achievement. Only because I am a faithful responder to Wanky’s posts, do I bother to say this: who gives a shit?

    1. Informal surveys indicate that 90% of regular readers do so atop the throne, so the answer would be, 90% of 17 or so.

  8. If you don’t like the guy, or think he is a misogynist, you’ll get no argument from me.

    With that said, I’m not quite sure why so many cyclists felt like this bet insulted the “sanctity” of cycling. The bet was never about cycling. It was about the bet itself and negotiating its parameters. The same as poker (manipulate the situation to maximize the pot when you have the best cards) or insurance underwriting (know the probabilities and write the policy so that the premium exceeds your expected loss).

    Putting aside his identity and background, let’s say that a couch potato bet his friend that he could ride 300 miles in 48 hours. A pretty difficult accomplishment for a couch potato.

    Now let’s imagine a bunch of elitist cyclists all begin to chime in, screaming “that’s not cycling!” or “I could do that in 24 hours, easy!” The couch potato is simply trying to perform a physical feat way outside his comfort zone and he all he hears is a cacophony of derision and insults from “real cyclists.”

    [Another way to think about this: A skinny roadie decides to do some weight training to supplement his training. His goal is to build up to a squat – with proper form! – of 225 pounds. A bunch of roided-out meatheads get wind of this and immediately respond with comments like “what a pussy – I can squat 225 with one leg!” or “I warm up with 405, wow this cyclist guy really sucks!” What would we be saying about those comments?]

    With all of this in mind, should be really be surprised that the couch potato lashes out at the “real cyclists” with a (many would argue funny) quote from Eastbound and Down about cyclists/triathletes being merely “good at exercising?” And does the fact that he is essentially parroting the despicable (many would argue despicably funny) Kenny Powers mean that he has a bit of self-deprecating sense of humor about the whole thing?

    Now, time to sign up for Brad House’s LA Circuit Race.

    1. When someone asks for your help and then calls you names, you generally feel insulted. Well, I don’t. I feel appreciative for their free thematic development of my next blog post.

      But really, the misogyny and hatred towards homosexuals, with a “cycling” challenge as the backdrop, doesn’t leave anyone with a good taste in their mouth. So to speak.

      1. I’m certainly not a fan of Mr. Bilzerian, at least from what I know about him. But as cyclists, do we really need to follow the GOP frontrunner’s “reasoning” when it comes to responding to insults (with insults)?

        1. No … but I don’t think the point was to insult him, it was to encourage our Westside cycling friends to not let this *unpleasant fellow* sow ill will.

          If he got insulted in the process, well …

  9. I would suggest to cyclists that raging against this troll only encourages him. Just another internet troll.

    And please, why give him attention, instead give attention to people who want to make us smile, such as the Valley girls hammering Latigo:

  10. Rich Hirschinger

    Here is what I think is most interesting. The “caveats” of the ride have been changed. Caveat #2 used to say, “Dan cannot use any assistance from any motorized vehicle or device.” He clearly used assistance from a motorized vehicle as a giant wind shield. Makes me think there wasn’t truly a bet and this was just a publicity stunt. Just a thought. Reference http://www.screencast.com/t/Bqy7vptMxWu

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