- Put on tubular race wheels which are made of much carbon.
- Request Mrs. WM to drop me off at the Hun’s.
- Check weather.
- Note rain with extra rain and some more rain.
- Remind self: heavy SoCal rain is a light sweat.
- Develop killer race strategy to propel Team Lizard Collectors to glorious victory after glorious victory in road race at San Dimas that involved much chasing of teammates.
- Arrive at race and lie to teammates. “Tired legs. Dead, very.”
- Note presence of Bad Bart. Borrow chain lube from him.
- Huddle with and lie vociferously. “I will cover everything and block for you.”
- Build undisclosed plan to hide, cower, chase teammates when in promising breaks and encourage organized chases from other teams when teammates appear to be getting away.
- Fill bottle with new energy fluid never tested before.
- Wait ten minutes.
- Feel uncomfortable bowel fullness.
- Curse the micro-thin potty tissue where your finger pokes through. Yeccch.
- Hurry to line and start racing.
- Chase teammates vigorously.
- Rest.
- Get cursed at by other riders. “You dumb fuck, you’re chasing your own teammates!”
- Advise cursers to imagine that every Lizard Collector rider is wearing a different colored jersey.
- Endure additional oaths.
- Advise cursers to study difference between “team” and “club.”
- Chase some more.
- Rest.
- Rest.
- Rest.
- Rest.
- Watch winning break go with two teammates.
- Chase furiously, dragging field behind.
- Rest.
- Assist other teams with chase.
- Rest.
- Rest.
- When field sits up, scamper away with plan to solo up to break or better yet take other non-team Lizard Collectors riders along.
- Establish four-man chase.
- Let non-TLC riders in chase group chase their brains out.
- Endure curses for refusing to pull.
- Watch in amazement as “sprinter” Bad Bart pulls his brains out for three laps.
- Plot to drop Bad Bart in last minute attack because he is so fucking fast in a sprint.
- Execute last minute attack.
- Chase down the Hun who has been dropped out of the break.
- Furiously chase other teammate with one lap to go.
- Note that Bad Bart is still there.
- Drop teammate who had worked valiantly.
- Start sprunt too late. Proper timing to beat Bart would have been to begin sprunt last Thursday.
- Watch Bad Bart scamper away from me like a Scientologist avoiding the IRS.
- End race.
- Receive glorious sixth place medal and dowsing rod.
- Drive back with the Hun.
- Tell him how hard I worked to block.
- Answer “Nothing” when the Hun asks what I’m doing that afternoon.
- Answer “Nope” when the Hun asks if I mind if we stop for a minute so he can pick up some groceries.
- Wait in the car for an hour and a half.
- Observe crazy lady in the parking lot of the Gonzales Ranchero Mercado tip over her shopping cart, prize the anti-theft wheel locks off with a giant screwdriver, and gaily push it off the lot.
- Get home.
- Go to bed.
END
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Living th dream, eh, WM?
The nightmare.
“like a Scientologist avoiding the IRS”.
Keeper.
Next time fold it 3 times – gets you 8-ply. If that’s not enough, eat more bananas.
Stinky finger is no fun.
Brown sticky finger is no fun!
Other types of sticky finger can be much fun 🙂
Congratulations? (& Thanks for writing.) 🙂
Who races for sixth?????
Poopy fingers and a 6th place is better than poopy shorts and 11th place.
Agreed!!
Just like Boonen’s Sunday.
I THOUGHT that lady with the shopping cart looked familiar.
You always make it seem so easy.
Especially the easy parts.