A couple of days before my big trip to Spain where I will contest the 2016 Tour de Prostate I got to wondering about the details. So I called up Ol’ Grizzles who was more than happy to take the 76th call of the day from anxious participants wondering about which gears, which tires, and which syringes to bring.


“Hey, man,” I said. “I been wondering.”
“Yeah?” he said.
“Yeah. What about food?”
“What about it?”
“Like, what’s the eating situation? Should I be bringing BonkBreaker bars and BeachBody elixir [*note pro placement of club sponsors smack in the beginning of the post, where exposure will be maximum, before readers close the window when they see their name isn’t mentioned]?”
“Dude,” he said, “there are a lot of things to worry about, for example Stig the freak who has been in Mallorca for the last week and already logged a thousand kilometers.”
“So he’ll be worn out by the time we get there.”
“Or you could worry about your candy California ass and how the Ted Cruz Contingent is gonna tear your legs off.”
“As long as you Cruz Campaigners agree to carry any and all of your non-viable attacks to term, that’s fine. How’s his campaign doing, by the way?”
“Or you could worry about the fact that we’ll do more hard riding in the first two days than you’ve done all year.”
“Hmmm,” I said.
“But the one thing you don’t need to worry about is food. We’ll be eating like kings.”
“Really?”
“Dude. We get up, hop on our bikes ride for a couple of hours, grab a huge lunch, ride a couple more hours, get back to the villa, and eat a huge dinner. There’s food everywhere, all the time.”
“Cool,” I said, and hung up.
This morning you can imagine my surprise when I got the following email from Leiv, the Director of Hospitality. Here is his missive:
Wanky and Grizzles,
Since you are arriving first, you will be required to visit these premises for acquiring the below list of essentials as stipulated by me.
Hiper Centro, Inca
Avinguda General Luque
Inca, Illes Balears, EspañaThese items required for your purchase are not voluntary but are stipulated as required purchases to ensure that governing dietary needs are met durational for our enjoyable together time and nutrition proper for exercise and recovery.
- Beer, regular Pilsner type, 300 bottles, 330ml
- Beer, dark type and Weisbier, 100 bottles each and however way
- Cava, 36 bottles, based on their selection but preference is from these two producers which are not voluntary but stipulated by mutual order and consent: Millésime 2011 or Gran Reserva Brut or Reserva de la Familia or Gran Reserva Brut Nature 2010 by Juvé y Camps, Cava, España
- Heretats, 12 bottles, Gran Reserva 2009 or MIM Brut Reserva 2010 or Pinot Brut Reserva Rosé 2011 by Vins el Cep, Cava, España
- Rose wine, 10-15 bottles, free selection with stipulation of no American vinegar tasting
- White wine, 10-15 bottles, free selection with stipulation of no American vinegar tasting
- Red wine, 10-15 bottles, free selection with stipulation of young wine, Tempranillo grape, Spanish only
- Bottled water, 1-3 bottles for Seth, stipulation for purchase in litres, a measurement unknown to provincials and Americans
- Coke/Soda, 1-3 bottles for Seth or other babies
- Milk, 0% fat, 50 litres for morning recovery and general healthfulness
- Juice, selection 40-50 litres, with stipulation of nothing from concentrate due to unhealthfulness
- Tonic water, 14 litres for healthy mixture with stipulated hard alcohol
- Limes, 80, for healthy mixture with stipulated hard alcohol
- Lemons, 45, for healthy mixture with stipulated hard alcohol
- Red chili peppers, 25-30, for healthy mixture of cooking and proper bowel
- Spring onions, 10-15 singles, for more proper bowel and health
- Red onions, 10-15, very good for extra proper bowel
- Yellow onions, 2-3, moderate bowel yet stipulated flavoring
- Bell peppers, 13, dinner garnishing and healthy vegetable
- One lettuce, healthy bowel roughage
- One cucumber
- One honey melon
- One cantaloupe melon
- Charentis / Gaia / Ogen melon, 2 each for bowel roughage
- Ripe!!! Mango, 4, stipulated vitamin for replenishment of bodily fluids
- Avocado, 10 ripe for chili mixture
- Cillantro, a good heap for green chlorophyll benefits
- Basil, a good pot or heap for concentrated chlorophyll benefits
- Mint, a good pot or heap for freshy breath
- Garlic, net of 10 for fart reduction
- Olive oil, virgin 15 litres for various stipulated cooking and healthy fart reduction
- Corn oil, 1 litre, less healthy but cheap and healthy for stipulated budget
- Balsamic vinegar, 1 litre, extremely bowel health
- Sweet soy sauce (black stuff, small bottle ok)
- Regular soy sauce, salty type, 1 litre
- Rice wine vinegar (with the sushi stuff and Asian people area of the stipulated market), 1 litre
- Mustard, Dijon type for various health application
- Sesame seeds for bowel roughage
- Wheat flour, 15 kg for regular morning baking
- Maldon salt (pack) for flavoring
- Pepper (ground, one glass + one mill glass)
- Sugar 25 kg, for all applications and cooking meals to assignment as stipulated and manufacture of home made energy bar for cycling
- Breakfast oats, 20 kg, for daily logging of morning cooking and lunchtime meals
- Butter 5 kg, for all cooking procedures as stipulated and bowels
- Eggs, breakfast mainly, 13 dozen, but application as needed throughout day and as hunger dictates late-night omelette production
- Cheese, a selection yet refraining from heavily stinking goat type
- Pata negra ham (several different please), 12 kg for much protein throughout all times
- Boiled ham, 2 kg, for chewing
- Jam, one or two glass for application with bread to be baked each morning fresh as each stipulated member takes turns on morning baking crew
- Bacon, 10 kg, for frying and healthy aroma to be assembled by morning baking crew on rotations
- Yoghurt, 12 litres for hangover absorbtion and bowel
- Nuts, selection of hazel, almonds, walnuts for dessert and hangover rapid absorption
- Snack chips, beer nuts, etc. for frequent ingestion and hangover delay
- Shampoo
- Soap
- Toilet paper
- Cling foil
- Aluminum foil
- Toilet paper written twice because forgetfulness of this stipulation would result problematic in catastrophe
- Kitchen paper
- Trash bags
- Extra ration beer and wine for emergency
- Low grade tequila for stipulation of necessity
- Medium grade whiskey for washing down parts of beer and wine
- Flavored liqueur
- Vodka, varying prices but all cheap, please
The individual cooking crews will by stipulation be on assignment and in shifts with new members beginning cook shift at 5:00 AM or early as by stipulation of senior members’ dietary stipulation and awakening schedule. Cooking crew rotational shift designation will be throughout each day with new members carrying proportionally heavy stipulation preparation and cooking and shopping load until Year 2 when seniority accrues by stipulation.
Thank you.
So now at least one thing is clear. We’ll be eating like kings, all right, but in order to do it we’ll be needing a few slaves.
END
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Boy Scout camp all over again, eh?
Minus latrines. I hope.
That is a shopping list that Hunter S. Thompson would be proud of.
Hahaha!
Have fun but reminders numbers 1-10 are do not crash on a stupid downhill corner that euro cyclo-tourists will negotiate carefully and without any difficulty.
Yessir!
Garlic for fart reduction??? I once had a pizza with garlic paste instead of tomato. My farts the next morning curled my toenails over backwards they were so toxic. I guess i should try that again and see if same result
Go easy on the pizza.
I’ll have to try that at next CBR
So are you roasting the coffee too?
It’s not that bad, it’s worse.
I see lots and lots that will open your bowels so they will move regularly, however, I am not sure that once open, they will close again.
Eek.