Your whole country sucks

One of my buddies who has been cycling for all of a year has been absolutely ripping legs off on the local group rides, especially anything with a bump in it. He is a friendly guy until the ride gets hard and then suddenly he’s not, ladling out huge, steaming helpings of pain until you slide off the back with your broken ego, having opened your suitcase of courage only to find that mom packed it with wrinkled, ill-fitting, polyester excuses.

So it came as a surprise when he got this message from Thorfinn-Sassquatch, recent winner of a lifetime achievement award from USADA. It appears that my buddy’s conquests on Strava, like his conquests against real people, have popped up on Nick Brandt-Soreasson’s fragile ego radar. To wit:


Perhaps Thorfinn wants to keep tabs on someone whose antics are sending him a barrage of “Uh-oh” emails, or perhaps he thinks he’s found a potential customer for some “supplements.” I hardly have the heart to tell Dopesquatch that he’s barking up the wrong tree.

This is the kind of thing that grabs your attention here in the South Bay, or maybe it’s the masters racer who for years was nothing spectacular and is now on practically every podium in practically every race he enters.

And then on the national stage there are the true asshats like Floyd Landis, a guy whose exploits include:

It all seems a bit surreal, knowing that the Tour is a dope-addled version of pro wrestling for skinny people, and it all seems strangely funny as old fellows pump their bodies with every manner of poison in order to score virtual trinkets and podium hardware that includes free beer, recovery drink mix, candy bars, and socks.

But then you realize what cycling’s dopers have always said is true: This is the bush leagues. Sure, cyclists dope. “Duh,” as they used to say twenty years ago.

But that ain’t nothing compared to Russia, who is on the verge of having all of its teams in all of its sports banned from the Dolympics. According to Canadian law prof Richard McLaren (no relation to the car):

Russia’s “Ministry of Sport directed, controlled and oversaw the manipulation of athlete’s analytical results or sample swapping, with the active participation and assistance of the FSB, CSP, and both Moscow and Sochi Laboratories.” The FSB is Russia’s federal security service while the CSP is involved in the training of Russian athletes.

In other words, some boring Canadian dude just concluded about Russia’s national sports program what the international diplomatic and journalist world has been saying for years: Putin is a criminal and Russia is a mafia.

Suddenly, sleazebag dope-peddling Floyd and sleazebag stretchy-underwear dope peddling Soreasson and sleazebag Local Masters Racer don’t look so bad. In fact, they look smaller than the average man-package outline as seen on the average bike racer podium. We’re talking super tiny.

Which raises a big question: If the Dolympics are going to start banning entire nations for doping, then what’s the point of the event? No world stage provides a bigger or glitzier showcase for cheating, fake performance, hypocrisy, bribery, and graft. I fear for the future of an event whose moral high points include its attempt to silence free speech regarding China’s occupation of Tibet prior to the Beijing Dolympics, as well as its acceptance of $4.4 million in soft “entertainment” bribes prior to selecting Nagano as the host city in 1998.

More to the point, are we going to take Russian superiority lying down? If the challenge of Sputnik got us to put a man on the moon, maybe it’s time that Russia’s state sponsored doping and “mind boggling levels of corruption” kicked us into high gear as well. What about a steering committee composed of Lance, Floyd, Soreasson, and Rich Meeker, a true Dream Team that can help us figure out what our nation needs to do so that we can level the cheating field?

I’ve even got a slogan in mind: “Making America Great Again” (merchandise made in China, of course). It would be a fantastic motto under which we can promote thievery, chicanery, duplicitous hypocrisy, and self aggrandizement at the expense of the peasants. Can someone check to see if that slogan is already taken?



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38 thoughts on “Your whole country sucks”

  1. Well at least Russia had a plan that would actually work to “Make them great again”. The level of corruption would make Drumpf proud.

  2. Odd… Mr. Sassquatch must be really bored or desperate. I just got a follow request from him in my email as well (just an hour ago!).


    1. Rumor has it that it’s just “blog fallout.” His original request was legit and now he’s been publicly shamed again, so is sending requests to various SB riders connected to the other rider. Sadness.

  3. Paul Sotherland

    Whether or not the slogan is already taken should matter little…at least to those who already use that slogan (and words of others shamelessly and without attribution). Just sayin’…

  4. When I ran track as a 10-year old in the old country, my coach recommended a regime of vitamins. I guess if I had amounted to anything as a pre-pubescent vitamin taker I may have been suited for harder stuff as a teenager. Mercifully, I had little talent and even less motivation.

      1. “Uh-oh! Looks like you’re an asshole and nobody wants to be associated with you! YOU’VE BEEN BLOCKED.” Signed, Strava.

      2. Wait, I have a great idea, “Most blocks in the last 24 hrs” KOM, paying users get a break down by senility and lardiness just like regular KOM’s

  5. Grew up with an old school athlete for a father who believed in the Olympic Spirit and it was a goal for us the way Ivy League or Hedge Fund Management might be for other people. He would be incredibly sad to see what it has become. Brazil is the new Greece, Russia and China and civil rights records, give me a break. No one can afford to host them and not bankrupt the country. Bigger than ever and headed in a terrible direction. U.S. can make money off of anything, maybe we permanently host the summer and Canada can have the winter.

    1. The Olympics no longer offer anything different from professional sports. Scandal, cheating, drugs, fakery. So they are having a harder and harder time finding suckers, er, takers.

  6. Landis and Zabriskie are business partners, to say nothing of the weed cream. Colorado is clearly as state of many opportunities. DZ Nuts must not be selling. Maybe they can infuse that goodness into the chamois of bespoke Brandt-Sorenson bibs and charge $600 a pair. America.

  7. I Like this phrase: we can level the cheating field. It’s Dope… aka, Brilliant. Regarding Drumpf, I copied this phrase from a T-Shirt at a Sanders Rally, source unknown: “Make America Hate Again, Vote Drumpf”.

  8. Not just SB riders.

    I woke up this morning in Brisbane, Australia to find that I’d been followed by the doper himself.

    Suspect he has gleaned user names off people giving kudos to Wanky via Strava, of which I am guilty.

  9. Jeez. I got a notification today that Sasquatch is now following me on Strava. I’m a 59 year old retired-from racing has-been living in WI that still loves to ride. If he wants to come and take my KOM’s for my 30 second, 40 foot elevation change climbs, more power to him.

    Maybe it’s because I follow you on Strava.

  10. He’s requested to follow ME on Strava. WTH????? Perhaps impressed by my 26/39 up Gardenland? My 110/134 on 5 Miles of Sullivan?

  11. Make America Dope Again! (Fitting for the Olympics/tour?)

    Make America Grate!

    Or maybe a Tony the Tiger/Trump combo…”We’re Grrrrrreat! Again!!!”

    Oh the possibilities…

  12. Yep, got a follow from him yesterday too. Guess he’s interested in Northern Virgina too?

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