The PVE Traffic Safety Committee Grand Prix
September 8, 2016 § 41 Comments
Before the race we all pinned on each others’ numbers, which looked like this:
The ref blew the whistle but before we could get going they had to neutralize the race. A gaggle of ancient retirees, all of whom had lived in Palos Verdes Estates since 1978 and were still wearing the same shoes, did a parade lap around the course.
Each angry resident did a mini-ragesprunt, where they harangued about parking. Elbows were thrown, headbutts lodged into ribcages, and one old codger whipped out GoPro footage of *CARS RUNNING STOP SIGNS* and *GASPY GASP GASP* a white vehicle that REGULARLY PARKS TOO CLOSE TO THE STOP SIGN NEAR THE INTERSECTION ON THE STREET THAT GETS 183 WHOLE CARS A DAY.
Fortunately, the parking club riders were not as fit as the SoCal Allstar Race Team, so after they ran out of electrolytes and Depends, the parking club riders shunted off to the side and wrote nasty emails to each other on NextDoor.
The whistle blew and the race was on. Dashing into the first corner was Jay “BMUFL” Yoshizumi, who attacked hard up the gutter, battering into the wind while pointing out that safety was paramount. He swung over just in time for G3 “Data Boy” Seyranian, who unleashed a flurry of softening-up punches over the short cobbled section, stringing out the peloton, making the watt meters crackle, and pointing out to statistical data points that validated the BMUFL signage.
One of the riders on Team Lunada Bay Boys on Mom’s Couch, Doper McWanksalot, got caught up against the curb, threw a chain, and dropped his fake petition with 83 bogus signatures just as Michael “Call Me Claw” Barraclough came up hot and inside to set a course record for the first lap. Claw also let the refs know that if the Allstars didn’t sweep the podium with BMUFL signage, they would continue to show up to every subsequent race and stack the field until justice was done.
Shrimpy McShrinksabunch, team leader and designated sprunter for Team Lunada Bay Boys on Mom’s Couch, roared briefly to the front and sputtered on about delaying BMUFL signage until the year 2082, when all of the ramifications and data and GPS coordinates could be algorithmized, logarithmized, digitized, and mesmerized, but was quickly chopped hard by Kristie “All Aces” Fox, who blew him up against the barriers with a hard-charging citation to traffic counts related to Terranea and The Donald Drumpf Golf Club.
Now the Allstars were warmed up and a series of brutal attacks began, headed up by Pete “Older Than Dirt” Richardson and followed by Jon “Same Shit Sounds Smarter In British English” Phillips, who hit it hard at the bottom of the small cobbled climb that had been slickened by the snot, spittle, and Internet ugliness dribbled out by the NextDoor Wankers On The Bay Boys’ Moms’ Couches.
One Lunada Bay Boy on Mom’s Couch slid out in the turn and caught his monosyllables on his poor syntax, making a fool out of himself and going hard into the hay bales, where he was forced to pay rent and get a job sacking groceries at Von’s.
Suddenly the weather turned nasty and a foul gale blew in. Our heroes, who had been driving it at the front with relentless accelerations by Victor “Don’t Fuck With Me” Cooper, Delia “These Are The Facts And They Will Hurt You” Park, Doug “The Motor” Toland, and a vicious move that split the field by Tom “One-Handed” Duong, the peloton began to crumble.
A breakaway formed with Claw, Park, Fox, G3, “Gizzards” Jim Hannon, and “Bronx Bomber” Julian Katz, as the Allstars back in the field sat up to block the weak, ineffectual, incoherent, and disorganized attempts to bridge by Team Lunada Bay Boys on Mom’s Couch Who Mostly Complain on the Internet but Don’t Have the Balls to Show Up.
Just when it looked like the break would go clear, Norm “Video Production” Zarifsky of Team LBBOMCWMCOTIBDHTBTSU made a daring move out of the field and, stuck in no man’s land, seemed set to bridge. However, he began to huff and puff as he spouted anger at cyclists, reviled bikers who ran stop signs, and declared that all PVE stop signs should be removed, buried, and shot as his FTP of 12.2 watts was immediately exceeded now that he was out in the wind and unable to suck anonymous Internet wheel.
Moreover, he had failed to notice that Dave “Video Allthetime” Brinton had latched onto his wheel, and as Norm began flicking his elbow, drooling in desperation, and begging everyone to condemn that terrible pro bono lawyer blogger dude who is in cahoots with the cops and judges to get bikers out of citations, Brinton came around, dropped Norm like a big turd from a tall horse, and bridged to the break.
One by one the tired, unfit, tactically incompetent, and strategically defective members of Team LBBOMCWMCOTIBDHTBTSU came off the back while, back in the peloton, the shrewd, handsome, beautiful, fit, happy, and cagey members of the Allstars took turns pounding the BMUFL haters into paste. John Cayon, Joann Zwagermann, Larry Lem, Dave Terrell, Joey Cooney, Don Wolfe, Jaycee Carey, Wendy Watson, John Wike, Mark Maxson, Michelle Landes, Brent Davis, Allison Vought, Les Borean, Gary Cziko, Andrew Nuckles, Craig Eggers, Sam Gengo, Tara Unversagt, Sherri Foxworthy, Kevin Salk, and Brian Gee set a blistering pace that Team LBBOMCWMCOTIBDHTBTSU couldn’t begin to follow until, at the bell lap, there was no one left but the Allstars and five BMUFL signs which will be co-located with existing “3-Feet It’s The Law” signage.
The traffic safety committee voted 4-0 in favor of the Allstars when, post-race, a challenge was made due to alleged irregular sprinting by Wike, but the commissars concluded that not only had Wike won the field sprint clean, but that the complaining wankers who lodged the protest would, as punishment, be grounded until next Thursday and limited to $150 in gas charges on mom’s credit card for the rest of September.
After the race, the Allstars modeled their sexy BMUFL signage and prepared for the final race of the season. The next race in the series is the finale, the PVE City Council BMUFL Grand Prix. Be there!
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Soooo happy you guys won that race! Thanks to everyone who slogged through the traffic to get to that meeting. You are all heroes!
Thanks for being on our side, Trish!
Brilliant race report, WM! I was a little upset at this phrase:
“algorithmized, logarithmized, digitized, and mesmerized”
You left out “sodomized.”
Way to take the lane!
Dang it! How’d I miss that low hanging fruit?
Count me in for the final sprint!
You’re good and warmed up after that long-ass warm up from flatland, transient Santa Monica.
Can’t wait for the Team Transient Flatlander presented by StageOne Sports jerseys.
Hahaha! Team Transient Flatlander BMUFL!
Yeah, I know this whole deal has seroius ramifications , but it has provided a platform for on of the most hilarious short pieces written in the 21st century on any topic.
signed respectfully , older than the older than dirt guy, D.
It’s a shame that Kudos has gone the way of Forensic, as you all deserve much of it in the original pre-strava meaning.
Thanks! As long as you put your kudo for our safety committee crit racing on Strava, we’re fine.
Sounds so much more fun written up the next day than it was last night – my butt is still hurting from those pews! Laughed out loud at this one. Elected officials always respect an English accent though it never seems to work with the PD. Just note that it’s Phillips not Simmons 🙂 I’ll bring a cushion to the council meeting
Phillips, Simmons, Nigel, Jeeves … hard to keep them damn English names straight. We speak Damnlish here in the USA anyhow.
We generally settle for “Your Lordship”
Sounds better than “master,” I guess. Anyway, your name is fixed!
I was laughing so hard reading this that I almost wet my pants. Several cager folks with whom I work huddled over my shoulder to read it with me.
NextDoor is a great forum for decent folks to discuss neighborhood yard sales, contractor recommendations, cable bills, babysitting, etc. So sad to see some neighbors get riled up by a handful of Lunada Bay Boys who own multiple homes that take on several aliases and literally start talking to themselves trying to whip up otherwise good community folks.
We love you PV. Please don’t get sucked in to the shame spiral of the NextDoor trolls.
Or do, and give me more fun stuff to write about! Bottom line is that the people who cared showed up. Period.
The poor rich neighborhood people, all they were asking for was the measly favor to please paint the curb red.
Bureaucrats can’t conceive “just paint the damn curb”.
No wonder we have to fight for signs.
I thought that was you last night. Need to add your name to the race team list!
Yeh I wanted to stay to the end and schmooze but I couldn’t hold out over the hours of verbal drudgery, too painful even on pain meds.
Schmoozing after marathon sit sessions is hard.
What an amazing team!!! Can’t wait for the final stage of this race. Thanks for the leadership Wanker and Bearclaw.
Thanks to you, John, for taking the field sprint!
Hilarious!! Better than Phil Ligget at his best. Charge hard in the final turn!!
“Same Shit Sounds Smarter In British English” haha! So true!
Small correction, “Video Allthetime” is actually former Olympian David Brinton.
The race was stacked. Sort of like going to Telo with 40 Big Orange guys and 10 random plain wrappers. Unless you have a “Rudy” in the random 10 there’s not much chance a non-Big Orange will win the race. There were no Rudy’s in the room last night.
There were a ton of Rudys but the were all with the Allstars!
Name fixed; thanks!
Nice work everyone! Sorry I couldn’t attend this one. Hopefully I’ll be able to attend the next one.
Thanks, JF. No one person can attend everything. It’s the fact that we have such a huge pool of committed cyclists to draw from that makes it work. Thanks for all you’ve done.
Best race report I’ve read this year! I was on the seat of my couch, pulling for the good guys. Just hoping the wankers didn’t take out the field like the MBGP. Victory at the end. Does this race qualify for upgrade points???
Yes!!! But only if we win the final race of the series.
That badge, so good, it’s even got a bike from down under.
That’s our next stop.
Great write up and yea for us! One thinks “The Hill” could align itself as a commonality and this would be a wash, but city borders are set as a line in the sand, one we don’t mind crossing.
Wow, that was like a game of whack-a-….