Remaining pro cycling fan convinced the sport is “clean”

James Smegdahl, America’s remaining fan of professional cycling, was interviewed by Cycling in the South Bay after the recent Fancy Bear hack revealed that 2012 Tour de France champion Bradley Wiggins was a lying liar who lied, and probably also a cheating cheater who cheated.

CitSB: How does it feel to be America’s last fan of professional cycling?

JS: I wouldn’t say “last.” My dog watches it, too.

CitSB: Were you surprised by the Fancy Bear revelation that Wiggo had been injecting corticosteroids before and during the Tour despite saying in his book that he’d never taken a shot for anything except that one time he got the clap?

JS: No.

CitSB: Why not?

JS: The way I see it, Obama is a muslin and he was born in Muslania.

CitSB: Muslania? Where is that?

JS: It’s where all the muslins come from.

CitSB: Well, it’s pretty damning, isn’t it? On the one hand, in his autobiography Wiggo says he’s never injected anything except for maybe dehydration, and on the other he’s received a couple of TUE’s, one for an entire year, that allowed him to constantly inject steroids.

JS: But he was allowed to inject them. It was legal.

CitSB: But he denied doing it. And they boosted his performance.

JS: Lance had a backdated TUE for corticosteroids and he didn’t get kicked out of the ’99 Tour and he wasn’t a muslin, either.

CitSB: That’s the point, isn’t it? Wiggo, who claims to have raced clean, was using the same procedures that Lance used to race dirty when he won his first Tour.

JS: You wouldn’t have that problem if we had a wall. And Mexico’s gonna pay for it, too.

CitSB: Excuse me?

JS: We gotta make America great again. How come you hate America?

CitSB: But Wiggo is British.

JS: Trump has a Trump golf course in Great Britland, too.

CitSB: You mean in Scotland?

JS: Where’s that?

CitSB: It’s part of Great Britain.

JS: That’s what I said.

CitSB: You said “Britland.”

JS: Quit picking on my words. Anyway, it’s not doping if you can back it up. And Wiggo backed it up. He’s won more Olympic medals than any British athlete ever.

CitSB: But doesn’t this call into question whether he was clean when he won them?

JS: No.

CitSB: Dave Brailsford promised total transparency, but has provided anything but. The same time he’s been touting marginal gains through better training, Wiggo’s been juicing on the sly. Doesn’t that make you suspicious?

JS: Have you ever been to Creation Park?

CitSB: No.

JS: You should. It would answer a lot of your questions. They have Noah’s ark and dinosaurs like they had during Jesus’s time. It shows how the dinosaurs got on Noah’s ark and floated away with him.

CitSB: I see.



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33 thoughts on “Remaining pro cycling fan convinced the sport is “clean””

      1. No, It’s all of Britland all the time. That’s why I moved to “murica and got an accentoptimy.

        I’m much better now. No, really I am.

        1. You bring up the main reason I’ve never visited England. I just don’t have the time to try and learn to speak English.

  1. World Pro Tour cycling would be way more appealing and authentic if it admitted to itself what it truly is–the bastard child of Top Fuel Drag Racing, the WWE and Roller Derby. Just be done with the ineffective drug testing that is supposed to cast an appearance of legitamacy to the performances we see. My weekend soul searching adventures will be no less special if Chris Froome can have climb Alp de Huz in 30 minutes or 3 hours.

    1. Totally serious: it seems like what we’ve learned from the numerous, sequential doping and corruption scandals from federations like the UCI and IAAF and RUSADA is the bio-passport and testing works pretty well.

      What we have learned is the federations are the ones preventing the positives, either through TUE or other means, from announcing and processing a positive.

      One thing I know for sure, Froome is clean. Catapulting onto a grand tour podium from the middle of an elite field, in a three week race is totally normal. His career is a mirror image of Bjarne Riis’. Normal!

  2. Wait. “Obama admits that he is a Muslim…. Legal Disclaimer: The writers, producers, and editors of this video are not claiming or implying that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim…” What?

      1. The nation of Africa? I’ve heard of it, not too far from the nation of Asia, which is where all the Asians are from. Still trying to find the Republic of Caucasia, though.

    1. You know what’s sick? I thought I made that little funnyism up and then Googled it. There are people who actually think it’s a place and that it’s the home country of Muslims. No matter how stupid you think you are, you’re not even close.

      1. I just think of the person in my life whose intelligence I consider to be average. Then realize, half of everyone I know is dumber than that.

        Yeah. It’s that bad.

        1. Hahahaha! So glad I never had to learn English, which is impossible, or Britlish, which is apparently harder still.

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