Wiggins admits doping to negate unfair advantage

In a revealing tell-all interview surrounding Bradley “Bone-Idle” Wiggins’s use of banned steroids prior to his 2012 Turdy France victory, the cycling star sat down with Cycling in the South Bay to explain his use of triamcinalone leading up to the most important victory of his career.

CitSB: So it looks like the Fancy Bear hackers have nailed you to the floor on this one.

BIW: Not a bit of it.

CitSB: Here you are shooting up a performance enhancing, banned steroid before the only Turdy France you’ve ever won.

BIW: It wasn’t enhancing. It was dehancing.

CitSB: Dehancing?

BIW: Yes.

CitSB: Can you explain?

BIW: I’d love to. Leading up the 2012 Tour I’d won everything. Tour of Romandie, Dauphine, that kiddy race in Manchester where I got the tricycle and 14 Euro gift certificate. I was crushing it.

CitSB: Right.

BIW: So I sits down with Dave and the boys and we says “This is gonna be bone idling wankerdom if I hit the Tour with these legs, I’ll put an hour on the field in the first five minutes.” That’s how good I was going with marginal volcano doping gains. I was better than the rest of those bone idlers by so much. You can ask me mum.

CitSB: Your mum?

BIW: Yeah, that’s right. She’ll tell you how good I was going and all pan y agua, mate. So Brailsford and the boys were like, “Wiggo, you gotta slow down and give the other boys a chance, especially those whiny French bastards.” So we did what we had to do. I’m not ashamed of it.

CitSB: What was that?

BIW: We got on a dehancing program. Took meself a whole slew of steroids to slow meself down.

CitSB: Uh, don’t you mean “speed yourself up”?

BIW: No, mate, you don’t get it, do you? Look here. I’m reading off the label for triamcinalone, just happen to have a couple of vials here: “Not for ophthalmic use. Systemic absorption may produce reversible hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis suppression, manifestations of Cushing’s syndrome, hyperglycemia, and glucosuria; when a large dose of a potent topical steroid is applied to a large surface area or under an occlusive dressing, evaluate periodically for evidence of HPA axis suppression and (Pediaderm TA/Spray) for impairment of thermal homeostasis. Application of more potent steroids, use over large surface areas, prolonged use, and the addition of occlusive dressings may augment systemic absorption. Signs and symptoms of steroid withdrawal may occur (infrequent) requiring supplemental systemic corticosteroids. Pediatric patients may be more susceptible to systemic toxicity. Chronic corticosteroid therapy may interfere w/ the growth and development of children. D/C and institute appropriate therapy if irritation develops. Use appropriate antifungal or antibacterial agent in the presence of dermatological infections; if favorable response does not occur promptly, d/c until infection is controlled. (Cre/Lot/Oint) Withdraw treatment, reduce frequency of application, or substitute to a less potent steroid if HPA axis suppression is noted. (Pediaderm TA/Spray) Withdraw treatment, reduce frequency of application, substitute to a less potent steroid, or use a sequential approach if HPA axis suppression or elevation of body temperature occurs. (Pediaderm TA) Sensitivity reaction may develop to a particular occlusive dressing material or adhesive; a substitute material may be necessary. (Spray) Flammable; avoid heat, flame, or smoking during application.”

And that’s not the half of it. Listen to this: “Causes burning, itching, irritation, dryness, folliculitis, hypertrichosis, acneiform eruptions, hypopigmentation, perioral dermatitis, allergic contact dermatitis, maceration of the skin, secondary infection, skin atrophy, striae, miliaria.”

Plus, it fucks you up if you’re nursing.

CitSB: That all may be true, but it greatly speeds recovery and enhances performance on the bike, and you took it when you would have needed it most.

BIW: C’mon mate, who are you kidding? Cushing’s syndrome? Glucosuria? It took at least 100 watts off me FTP. Plus, it messed with me lactation. The littl’uns went hungry for over a month.

CitSB: And that’s how you won the Tour?

BIW: You got me word on it, mate. Scout’s honor.



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28 thoughts on “Wiggins admits doping to negate unfair advantage”

  1. I’m with Wiggo on this one. I’ve used that exact product. And the extent of my cycling suckage is without peer.

    1. When you’re going off-the-hook great, it’s crucial to take steroids to level the playing field for the others you’re crushing. Good job!!!

  2. The only living thing I know of that has done well on pan y agua is Honey…she’s 14 (98 in human years) and still runs the trails. Do you think she is secretly hitting my PED stash?

  3. “There’s nothing new here. Everyone knows Brad suffers from asthma.”
    (from a “spokesman” for the 36-year-old The Telegraph)
    1. Maybe not so wise to to Super-Pro-Level-Sports when Sick?
    2. What does TUE help against Asthma?
    I am no doctor, but I know a friend who has Asthma, he does not get TUE, and he can not, even under medication, go hard :-/

    1. If your friend is really suffering from asthma, he should join a pro cycling team. They will help him. Plus, every other major sport really likes it when their star athletes have chronic breathing conditions. It makes them tougher, better competitors.

  4. It’s amazing how many “elite” cyclists suffer from “asthma”. It’s a wonder their doctors let them ride a bike! Pro cycling is a joke. Nothing’s changed! It’s WWE on two wheels. No wonder sponsors are leaving pro cycling in droves.Just a bunch of cheaters and liars. I used to follow it religiously, but now I know better.

    1. And the sponsors who are leaving are Sam’s Muffler Parts and Plumbing Supplies, Dino’s Bar & Grill, and Chromium Gyms. The big ones with real money left so along ago I can barely remember how to spell “Telekom.”

    1. Attention to detail is what gets you by the testers, baby, uh, I mean, gets you on the podium, uh, wait a minute …

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