I have scoured the Trumpernet to find the best cycling deals on Cyber Monday so you don’t have to! Some of these are cycling specific, some are not, but all will greatly enhance your enjoyment of biking AND your performance on the bike without busting your PayPal account which, frankly, is already broken.
Spousal/Significant Other Sex Special. Cost: Free or dinner out or a lifetime of bondage. Go get yourself a big bucket of sex. Sloppy, trimmed or wild bush, after a hot bath or covered in slime from the last off-road mudfest with Manslaughter, some partner sack time is one of the few holiday gifts that you can give as well as get.
Suitcase of Courage. Cost: Varies. From the Luis Vuitton leather matching set to the Samsonite Monkey-Tough rubberized plastic hardshell, these items will get you out of bed and on the road to the not-so-nearby hilly road race you’ve been avoiding these past five years so you can go get your sorry baby seal ass clubbed to a fare-thee-well. Paul Sherwen autographed models add $1.88.
Old No. 72. Cost: $87.50. Made by Snap-On, this giant adjustable wrench can be used to break pretty much anything. Handle doubles as a lever for opening stuck suitcases of courage or for staving them the fuck in.
USAC Racing License. Cost: $70.00. RACING NOT REQUIRED. This little beauty allows you to show skeptics that you are a tough bike racer and allows you to answer questions about the Turdy France, tell people to “HTFU,” and explain what a “hardman” or “hardwoman” is. Pronunciation key included for “Paris-Roubaix,” “DeVlaeminck,” “Merckx,” and “Erythropoietin.”
Givenchy Eww of Toilet Perfume. Cost: $70.00. This Eww of Toilet perfume is made by luxury brand purveyor LVMH, owner of Dior, Givenchy, Luis Vuitton, Hennessy, and other brands, and soon to be owner of Rapha Cycling Apparel. Your favorite hardman/hardwoman will, along with his/her new USAC license, now be able to wear the finest luxury cycling outfits complemented with that “je ne sais quoi” French essence to daub over the mild sweat you’ve worked up at spin class.
Lifetime Flog Ride Membership. Cost: Free. This allows you to show up every Thursday at the Malaga Plaza fountain at 6:35 AM, pointy-sharp, to enjoy an hour of pleasant conversation and camaraderie as you pedal around the golf course at Palos Verdes Estates. Members receive six gigantic helpings of oxygen in 6-minute intervals. Begins in early December, runs through August. Typically requires you to bring a fully-loaded suitcase of courage.
Wanky Super Socks: Cost: $14.99. These awesome socks, made by Base Cartel, will make you faster on the bike and better in bed. Cozy, long-lasting, and sewn with the South Bay insignia, everyone will recognize that you are a Force of Nature the minute you show up with these bad boys. Or, they will simply ride away.
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