The PVE City Council, backed into a corner by class action litigation and threats from the California Coastal Commission, which was none too pleased at the illegal barbecue and drug patio erected decades ago by the Lunada Bay Boys on Mom’s Couch in order to allegedly privatize public coastline, intimidate non-resident surfers, and help preserve the peace and tranquility of a snobby, mostly-white enclave, recently took jackhammers and bulldozers to the illegal “fort” and razed it to the ground.
The Boys on Mom’s Couch may have even mounted a late-night attack on the bulldozing equipment and did their best to destroy more private property by scratching up some of the equipment and vandalizing the ignitions, as if these were mere annoyances that could be frightened away with the same teen-age tactics they used to key the doors of visiting foreigners from Torrance.
While the city, led by fearless Mayor King, reluctantly agreed to tear down the illegal expropriation of public property, the city nonetheless held firm against the Coastal Commission’s demand that the Lunada Bay bluffs be made open and inviting to the public through construction of benches and viewing areas. According to angry city residents, such artificial, man-made blemishes would blight the pristine view of the coastline, unlike the ugly homes and the illegal fort that had blighted it for the last thirty years.
Cycling in the South Bay sat down with second generation Lunada Bay Boy on Grandma’s Couch Whitey Spanksalot to learn how the “boys,” none of whom is under fifty, intend to deal with this setback.
CitSB: Has the destruction of the fort put the Boys on the back foot?
Spanksalot: It’s a day that will live in infamy, sure.
CitSB: How will you recover?
Spanksalot: We’re planning a Lunada Bay Boys Treehouse. Already got the funding from Mr. Nalrak.
CitSB: Funding for what?
Spanksalot: The signage.
CitSB: What signage?
Spanksalot: Oh, you know, the usual stuff. “No gurlz aloud.” That kind of thing.
CitSB: Gotcha. And where is the treehouse going to be erected?
Spanksalot: We got our eye on a couple of local parks. We kind of like that one over by the little league field.
CitSB: More public property?
Spanksalot: Mr. Nalrak says that’s the best way to keep out the gangs that have been ruining PV for the last forty years.
CitSB: There’s a gang problem here in addition to you guys?
Spanksalot: Oh, sure. Them social biker gangs. They take over the roads, they were the ones who vandalized all the equipment. Keying up cars, throwing rocks at people in the water. We’re filing a class action lawsuit against them. Mr. Nalrak is gonna help us.
CitSB: Who’s this Nalrak fellow?
Spanksalot: Oh, he’s a big deal. Uses a bunch of different names. Lives by himself. No kids. No wife. No friends. Lonely old sagbottom dude. Super expert on sending emails and stuff using fake names. Even has one of those computer web site things.
CitSB: Wow. A web site?
Spanksalot: Oh, yeah. He’s top shelf. Doesn’t even sleep on his mom’s couch, has his own gas card. In his name.
CitSB: Sounds like a pretty successful fellow. Is he also a surfer?
Spanksalot: [Laughs.] Him? Naw! Little bald-headed dude couldn’t stand on a surfboard if you nailed him to the deck and the board to the floor. He’s kind of a joke but he has it in for the social biker gangs, and we like that.
CitSB: So, a treehouse and a “No gurlz” sign. Next steps?
Spanksalot: Oh, yeah. We’re going to take over the little league snack shack until we get the treehouse built. That way we can have sumpin’ to eat. Slugs McGinty will take care of them little brats if anyone raises a stink. Just like we took care of that dude from Muslania.