Pull out

There is so much advice on the Internet about how to race your bike, but where’s the advice telling you to give up?

Because most of the time that’s the best advice possible. Your coach and your super light bike and your Strava KOMs don’t mean shit when you’re buried 26th wheel with 200 yards to go in the sprunt.

You are gonna lose.

You aren’t gonna make the podium.

You aren’t even gonna make top ten by a lonnnnng shot.

You are gonna be a faded blur that no one cares about in a “sport” where no one even cares about the winners.

People gonna be scrolling so far down the results sheet that they get a migraine trying to find your name.

Why is this important?

Because although it’s certainly worth dying for when you have a tube of Butt Butt’R on the line for first place, it’s certainly not worth dying for when you are any of these wankers:


When I say “almost dies” what I mean is that he almost ended up at the bottom of a ravine with his bicycle, which was photographed here:


I think from this photo it is obvious that either:

a) The bicycle fell a long way off that bridge, or

b) That dude rides a really tiny bike.

Everyone’s to blame but only YOU are the one who gets killed!

Of course the easiest persons to blame are the promoters who put a mad-dash finishing sprunt on a bridge with a centerline rule, and of course the race officials who signed off on this suicide mission. Still, with all due respect to the incredible Cat 3 dude with mad Spiderman skills who not only hit the wreckage at Mach 3 but managed to use his spidey senses and spidey strength to hang onto the edge of the bridge after being flipped like a pancake onto a concrete rail on his back and avoided falling to his fucking death, a set of skills that make him ready for every Hollywood action film ever made or that ever will be made and that will give him bragging rights until the day he dies, the fact is that a whole bunch of riders were riding way to fast way too far away from the finish way too late in a way too meaningless race for way too little reason.

That’s because no one bothered to teach them Rule One of Race Survival: Quit early.

No matter how good a racer you are, and most of us suck, you’re going to last a lot longer in bike racing by learning to recognize the point at which you’re no longer racing to win and you’ve started racing to live. In other words, it’s key to be able to shift from “Can I win?” to “No, so quit pedaling and live.” We’re all so glad the Cat 3 Spidey dude made it, and I’m hoping to get his autograph.

He’s inspired me, a lifelong quitter and early-giver-upper, to start quitting even earlier. Like, before even getting out of bed. Because Spider Man I’m not.



For $2.99 per month you can subscribe to this blog and get none of the news that’s fit to print but all the news that’s fun to read. Click here and select the “subscribe” link in the upper right-hand corner. Thank you!




32 thoughts on “Pull out”

  1. That dude with the spiderman skills is actually a teammate of a friend of mine. When you see the video, which I am sure you have, it almost makes you think there is a DOG. Just saying…………

  2. fellow rider from Las vegas… was a great day to be able to walk away from that one. and the race promoter should have his head examined as well

      1. It seems easy to pile on the promoter. But I was checking out that finish before the crash. I decided not to bunch sprint it because of bad pavement and because I suck at sprinting. But I never once thought, “And I could go over the side of the bridge.”

        And I talked to a bunch of people prior to the crash about the course, and no one mentioned the bridge.

        So most who say it was obvious idiocy by the RD are engaging in some Monday morning quarterbacking.

        But if we trash the RD hard enough on social media, maybe we can get another race to disappear for good.

        1. I’m not trashing anyone. But you gotta admit this was a pretty extraordinary thing. And my main point, in case you missed it is that at the end of the day it’s on you.

      2. Oh, I know, I think you were spot on. I was referring to a lot of other commentary in other places that mostly blames the course and officials. Your calling out the riders themselves is refreshing.

  3. Better yet: don’t go to wankie races. Stay home and do a nice long AEROBIC ride (you know, the one you were going to do everyday but instead go on the morning/noon/evening “race” group ride. Take the entry fee, that you saved by staying home from the wankie race and send it a deserving charity.

  4. Yeah, the smart guys never crash each other out trying to improve on their well-deserved 38th place at the last second. Just cruising it in is (apparently) a very advanced skill and tactic.

    Shameless Tuttle Creek Road Race plug: No worries about the field sprunt! There are never more than 2 or 3 other finishers within sight by the end. February 19.

  5. Partly why I like uphill finishes even though I’m not very good at them .
    Eg, I bet very few ever get maimed, crippled, or brain damaged on a Mandeville “wall”-like finish

  6. One of the best skills is knowing when and how to safely sprint to the back. Get the fuck out of Dodge. My skin, bones, and bikes are worth way more than 38th place. Of course so is the lint in my dryer trap…

  7. And if anyone wants to see the crash during the race as it happen… look what I found in youtube.. Crazy!
    [link deleted]

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: