Good bike
February 4, 2017 § 31 Comments
Last year I got a Cannondale Super Evo 6, or maybe it is an Evo Super 6, or maybe it is a Super Motel 6, I’m bad with names.
What it is, is carbon. Full carbon. It has so much carbon in it that if it had any more you’d have to spell it “carbone.” Which is Italian for “carbon,” only more so.
The reason I started riding this bike is because it was time to start riding a new bike. You will know when this time happens. It is different for every man, like menopause. But you suddenly don’t feel right on your current ride and you need a new one.
This is usually because your bike loses carbon as it ages. Bicycles are made from a special kind of carbon called carbon-14, which is radioactive and decays over time. You can actually date your bike frame by analyzing its carbon-14 radioactive isotopes. The fewer the isotopes, the older the bike. A typical full carbon bike that is made of all carbon, 100% hugely big carbon, the best, loses about half its carbon every two years.
That’s why you’ll be pedaling on the stiffest frame known to man one year, and the next year you’ll be pedaling around without a front fork. Which is awkward. Or maybe it’s because Boozy P. gave you a tune-up. Either way you need a lot of new 100% carbon.
The best solution is twofold: Get a new carbon-14 frame immediately and all new carbon parts. Or get disc brakes.
Disc brakes have revolutionized cycling since they were first used in 1982. Bicycling has never been the same. Now, the revolution that changed everything is something that you need to buy (a lot of) so that you can be part of The Spirit of ’82. Disc brakes are important because you can stop real quick on them.
Think of all the times you need to stop quick! There you are, pedaling to the porncery store, and a giraffe crosses your path. Bam! Grab a handful of front brake and fall on your head, causing permanent brain injury! Disaster averted!
Now, with full 100% all-carbon disc brakes you can stop a lot faster and you can slam yourself on your head even if a giraffe is nowhere in sight. Trust me, what’s good for a high performance motorcycle is even better for a recreational hobby bicycle. Plus, you can never have too much front braking power. Super good for fast, wet, downhill, off-camber turns. Trust Wanky on this.
But back to my Cannondale Motel 6.
It is the best bike I have ever had. Why? Because it’s all carbon? Nope. Because it handles great? Nope. Because it is more aero than Strava Jr. after a month of fasting? Nope.
It is the best bike ever because it is black. Fact is, Cannondale Super Motel 6 makes one of the best black bikes anywhere. It is better than ALL the black bikes Stern-O has ever had, and Stern-O only rides black. In fact, the Cannondale Motel 6 has blackness comparable to deep space. No light is reflected whatsoever from the Cannondale Super 6 Flags.
But just because it has the best black color, that doesn’t mean you should buy one.
It means you should buy TWO. Three if you can afford it or if you get the special Wanky discount (coupon code is #fullcarbonMotel6).
Still, it is possible that you are a comparison shopper, truly a despicable creature. And it is also possible that you really do like your hand-lugged Pegoretti with that unique Italian flavor that only comes from having a sweaty old man with garlicky breath and cauliflower farts lovingly join the lugs to the handlebars with a rubber hammer and pliers handed down from his great-grandfather, who died in prison due to his connections with the Mafia.
But whatever. We both know that your Pegoretti lives on the wall because no one rides art. Ever seen the French president gallop around town on the Mona Lisa? Of course not.
When it comes to stomping dicks, you’ll need carbon, and you’ll need a black Cannondale Super Motel 6 Stomper of Dicks.
Here are some things I’ve achieved this past year with my Cannondale Dick-6 Stomper that I could never have achieved on a much worse-black-painted Giant.
- Won the 50+ CBR rain crit, decisively beating Chris Lotts who was so weak he flatted, that dude who started late and wasn’t eligible to sprint, that other 66-year-old dude who had won the previous race in a one-hour solo break, that dude with the one knee pointing to Rome and the other to Beijing, and that dude who was racing in a different category. Not possible without the Dick Six.
- Had a natural way to chat up local Cannondale pro riders Krista Doebel-Hickock and Phil G. “Hey y’all, I ride a Cannondale too!” They think you are really cool when you do that.
- Set over 500 PRs this year on Strava. (*I deleted my account a couple of years ago and started a new one in 2016 but that has nothing to do with the plethora of new PRs.)
- Put on new handlebar tape.
Anyway, I hope you run out and get a Cannondale Super Evo Motel Dickstomper 6, black model only. You can get a great deal on them at Helen’s Cycles in Santa Monica, Marina del Rey, or Manhattan Beach. You can also hang around outside the shop and wait for someone to leave one unattended and borrow it. That’s what I would do. Did.
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Cycling in the South Bay 
Your Super 6 Dick Stomper is also light as the feather of a hummingbird. One finger light. But that has nothing to do with it’s stealth fast matte blackness. That’s why you’re taking it to Mallorca.
Yup.
Yup. Exactly!
Reminds me of the greatest race car ever built. Shit loads of carbon. Likely high quality carbon the likes of Cannondale and Wanky wouldn’t have been able to sniff back in ’88. Lots of carbon, turbocharge, aero chassis, 1200HP and Senna’s genius and massive balls equals the type of winning Wanky will likely do in ’17.
Did you say carbon?
holy shit! that Super Six Dick Stomper 6 cost more than my car!
Sell your car.
Very pretty. Your Motel 6, black (because the lights are not on) is just about as black as my TCR with White GIANT letters on it. But I guess mine is more blackerer because GIANT has less letters than Cannondale. 🙂
The category of more blackerer is one that only scientists armed with plenty of carbon-14 can resolve.
Absolutely love the disc brakes and electronic shifting on my carbon bike made from 100% carbon (except where it’s not)
Anyone who combines carbon that is full 100$ carbon and disc brakes wins everything. Twice.
BTW, it’s not that black.
Vantablack is black.
You know not of whence you speak.
Black power
How much more black could this be?
Zero.
Tell Mrs Wanky you need a new one. The decals are scratched.
Which reduces blackness.
When did white become a shade of black?
Yesterday.
Ha ha ha
We go for BLUE…as in “true blue,” or “Go, Blue!” (Bears), or “blue state.” Our 2005 Cannondale Road tandem is two-tone, sky-blue to midnight-blue. The only way to fly!
Blue is supposed to be almost as fast as black.
I have looked and looked and can’t find Boozy P. on iTunes. Maybe he’s on pandora.
Pantunes.
Interesting. Makes me think I should buy a new fast and light road bike to replace my 20-year-old Klein. But my first racing bike was Cannondale aluminum and I’ve ridden only metal my whole long life (although my Klein did have a carbon fork which I replaced with real steel when I found out).
I don’t know if I could learn to ride carbon bike at my advanced age. What are the challenges of switching from full 100% metal?
I understand that Cannondale makes decent aluminum bikes like the CAAD12. Maybe that’s the way to go so I don’t have to be carbon virgin.
The pleasure of needless, ostentatious consumerism far outweighs any performance benefits.
Where can I get the South Bay bar tape?! Firtst in the UK?
Email me, seth@sethdavidsonlaw.com for info.
Once you go Black, you never go back.
I haven’t.