Dear Mr. Masters Doper:

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but it’s really obvious. Now don’t get me wrong. Doping to get top ten in a creaky-kneed crit is totally worthwhile. Think of the guys who doped and barely cracked the top thirty. Those dudes must really suck.

And I’m not going to criticize you for spending money on drugs. After all, you’re already thousands down the tubes with the bikes and the gear … what’s a few thousand more to put your thumb on the scale? I get it.

Instead, I’m writing this helpful note to let you know that there are a few bedsheet corners that you need to tuck in, strictly for appearance’s sake, so that it doesn’t look so blatant.

For example, you really need to lose a bunch of weight. It’s not convincing, even in a masters race, for you to crush so convincingly with that giant sack of potatoes hanging over your waist line. And the way your gut is pushing up against that zipper you should at least carry an umbrella liability policy in case that skinsuit goes while they’re winching you up onto the podium. That zipper pops while you’re facing a crowd, someone’s losing an eye.

Here’s another tip. Don’t be such a flaming dick. You see, when you are a nice, humble, friendly doper, people kind of shrug and don’t care as much. We’re used to sleazebag, aw-shucks cheats in bike racing; heck, Bradley Wiggins was one of our biggest stars.

But when you pull incredible rides out of your ample ass and combine it with acting like a mini-Lance, people are going to start making phone calls to USADA, and one of these days the doorbell will ring and you’ll have to either pee in the cup and get banned or refuse to answer the door and get banned. You know how stupid it’s going to sound when you have explain why you doped … to your grandkids?

You know how embarrassing it’s  going to be when someone emails you the VeloSnooze headline: “[Another] SoCal Profamateur Caught Cheating.” The magazine is going to make a few phone calls and people will really open up about you, about what a despicable dude you are, about how absurdly fast you went from career loser to human cannonball, and about how everyone was laughing behind your back and rolling their eyes the whole time.

Anyway, these next few races you might want to ease off the gas a bit, although that’s probably hard to do when you’re juiced and ready to rumble. I dunno, maybe swap out the test with a 3-week cycle of orange juice?

Because people are talking, and what they’re saying isn’t good.



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31 thoughts on “Dear Mr. Masters Doper:”

    1. If you’ll cheat to win a masters bike race, you’ll cheat ANYWHERE FOR ANYTHING.

      1. True. But I do find that less so in the long endurance MTB events. If it’s happening around me, at least it’s not so apparent

        1. It’s happening but as with most things in life, just don’t bust my bubble.

  1. Michelle landes

    My rules: Take selfies at starting line and dance when you finish😂

  2. It’s possible to train for a couple of months, be 20+ pounds overweight, and win, even in the 1/2/Pro events, and not use drugs. I thin it was done, like 20+ years ago up in Norcal. Of course, that was by an ex-2 time Olympic team member who could suck wheel with the best of them, suffer like Satan’s dog,, and sprint like Pierre Trentin.

    1. Yes, and I’ve seen Gibby Hatton, who barely fits into a skinsuit, win countless crits and hardly look like he’s pedaling.

      But these clowns aren’t Gibby Hatton.

  3. Don’t you hate it when your 0.003* ROI gets taken away by some cheating fatty. I just need to learn how to cheat and I could be that guy too!

    * full carbon, with carbon and nano dusted chain racing stead, $15,000. Pertential earnings for win, $45. Beating half starved whippets while gorging at the all you can eat lard bar, daily, priceless.

    1. I love it when CF steals trinkets because, so funny!

      Also, can you shoot me the link for the custom nano-duster?

      1. Ask and you shall receive:

        Pretty much the height of self-entitlement, doping to place top 10 at your local crit. You have to have a very fucked set of values to do it. CF needs some serious help.

        Sorry if my attempts at humor were inappropriate.

  4. Hmm, I think I just figured out who you’re talking about except I can’t confirm the dick part because I’ve never interacted with the dude. At the very least the dude’s having a solid run of late. (if it’s that dude)

  5. See…people will do absolutely ANYTHING to win a pair of South Bay Cycling socks in the local crit. The risk is definitely worth the reward*

    (*even more so if you’d offer those cool socks in tall black!)

  6. Eric K Richardson

    I donate extra dollars for anti-doping when I purchase my license. I do remember an obvious case from SoCal’s near past. Man that guy was ripped.

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