This blog has readers from some of the most remote, savage, uncivilized corners of the globe, including Houston. I was alerted to the following news item, amazing because of its cycling content but also because it was considered “news.” How the mighty broadcasters of Marvin Zindler have fallen.
The announcer announces that in addition to being a Professional Cyclist, Jeremy Andrews’s career spanned two Olympics. It’s not clear which Olympics Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews participated in, or in which sport because it certainly wasn’t cycling for the U.S. Maybe Moldova? Or maybe by “spanned” they meant “threw a wrench into”?
Things to note about Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews:
- Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews’s secret to so much success is two days off the bike every year, Christmas and Thanksgiving. “There is no off-season.”
- Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews tells us that as a Professional Cyclist On Long Rides you either “talk to yourself for hours on end or you actually listen to some music.” Tough choices for Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews!
- Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews’s newest challenge is spin class, which, according to his instructor, is like “a yoga class meets a Beyonce concert on a bike.” Sounds like a personal injury lawsuit to me!
- Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews likes spin class because of the lights, the sounds, the visuals, and the team camaraderie. Yes, team camaraderie. Perhaps for drafting? Or lead-outs?
- Spin class allows Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews to work out with people who normally wouldn’t ride with him because who could keep up with Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews? Certainly not Ol’ Grizzles!
I phoned up Ol’ Grizzles, who lives in Houston and is in the build phase for our upcoming 2017 Mallorca Bike Ride and Face Stuffing.
“Have you ever heard of Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews?”
“Fuck no,” said Ol’ Grizzles. “Who’s he?”
“He’s been in a couple of Olympics and rides in Houston. He’s kind of a big deal. Figured you’d know him.”
Ol’ Grizzles choked down another hot dog and quart of beer. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“PROFESSIONAL CYCLIST JEREMY ANDREWS. He was on the Houston TeeVee. Trains 363 days a year. Houston rider. Professional. No off-season. Totally legit.”
“Look,” growled Ol’ Grizzles. “It’s past my bedtime. I never heard of this fuckstick.”
“Can I send you the video clip?”
“I guess,” Ol’ Grizzles snarled.
A few minutes later the phone rang. It was Ol’ Grizzles. “What a putz,” he said.
“You for wasting my time. And Jeremy Andrews for being a professional idiot. The only pro cycling career I can imagine that clown having was fluffing on the team bus, maybe.”
“Don’t be so harsh. The TeeVee said he was a Professional Cyclist.”
“I don’t care if it said he was President Obama. And if you’re going to send me stupid videos send me something less stupid than that, like a cat coughing up a hairball or something.” Ol’ Grizzles hung up.
It sounded like he was going to be in a bad mood for Mallorca.
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