The thrill is not gone

One of the things about getting old is that the thrill goes away. What thrill? Every thrill.

You see it in your relatives, for example, who go batshit crazy about religion, or they become rabid racists, or they become recalcitrant conservatives who subscribe to the philosophy of “Everything for me, nothing for you.”

Whatever.

This is why I love riding my bike with other crazy people. It is flat fucking thrilling. If you don’t do it you won’t ever understand it.

Take today, Independence Day. It started with an NPR smashfest of epic proportions. Rumor had it that numerous baby seals had gotten too big for their pelts and needed a good skinning. Sure enough, on Lap 1 vast numbers of bleating pinnipeds got shucked out the back, only to play Hop-In-Wanker, reattach on the flip-flop, and get shelled again.

Rather than seventy baby seals sprunting vigorously for the win after sitting in and munching fresh sardines for four laps, at the end there was a tiny group of about fifteen, of whom only five or six had any legs at all. The clubbing and skinning were epic as Charon ended the hopes and dreams of all the sad-faced baby seals.

Then we did the Holiday Ride, 150-strong from the Center of the Known Universe, hooking up with another 100+ group in Marina del Rey, and barreling through Santa Monica to San Vicente. But today those of us who had smashed on the NPR moved the finish line from the top of Mandeville to the top of San Vicente, and the seal pups were denied the leisurely pedal to which they have become accustomed.

Instead, Cory Williams, Smasher, G3, and one or two other clubbers began crushing skulls at the bottom of San Vicente, skinning well over a hundred baby seals before we reached the top of San Vicente.

After the left-hander, a shameless group of La Grunge Hop-In-Wankers jumped into the mix and turned a 30-mile race to the bottom of Mandeville into a 1-mile downhill pedal followed by a 15-minute smash up the hill on fresh legs. They were crowned glorious winners, sweeping the imaginary podium and getting six out of the top ten fake slots, but their hop-in antics earned no approbation from the clubbers who’d been at it from the beginning of the ride.

Was that all the excitement and thrill? No!

Next was a bitter, hand-to-hand fight to the death at the annual Helen’s Cycles July 4th Sale, where cyclists poured through the doors and battled tooth and toenail to get unbelievable discounts on shoes, socks, BonkBreakers, bikes, helmets, and other useless stuff. The KOM was won by some dude from Malibu, who spent $15,000 in fifteen minutes.

Bar bumping, seal pelt skinning, vicious motoring, Mandeville uphill time trailing, it was a morning filled with adrenaline, testosterone (natural and added), and more fireworks than the Chinese New Year. But was that all? No that was not all!

We got home to find out that Mark Cavendish, sprinter extraordinaire, had been tutored by our very own James Doyle, the local wanker who squeezed through a non-existent slot and took out veteran Johnny Walsh. Unlike the UCI, however, who quickly reached a decision on the matter, USAC continues to drag its feet, twiddle its thumbs, review the tapes, and stick their thumb up a dark smelly place, paralyzed and unable to make a simple disciplinary decision about an outrageous move.

All of that and it wasn’t even noon …

The thrill? It’s alive and well and going strong. You can save your religious tirades for someone who GAF … because it ain’t me.

END

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28 thoughts on “The thrill is not gone”

  1. That’s the kind of report I was looking for. Thank you! And you covered all may FAV ride groups, especially hop-in-wankers with fresh legs.

  2. A couple notes:

    First, old man Charon sat up well before the sprint at NPR. The finale ended up contested by two kids in their 20’s (Dante and Marco). The SausageCam™ caught it all, just staying out of trouble in 4th place or so. With my brittle bones, I wasn’t looking to Cavendish myself in that sprint.

    Second, upon further inspection, it does appear that 2 of the 6 LGers in the 2017 Top 10 did indeed join the group without doing San Vicente. I’ll let the Race Jury decide what to do about that. But the other 4 did the San Vicente lead-out, including the fastest Strava time of the day up Mandeville: https://www.strava.com/activities/1067526708/segments/26263880816

    Third, yes, that was a righteous NPR. At one point when EA Sports was serving up a reminder of how he can ride me off his wheel whenever he chooses, I yelled to him “It feels like we’ve got the band back together!”

    Finally, I would like to thank our sponsors and the following for making yesterday possible:

    John Hancock
    Josiah Bartlett
    William Whipple
    Matthew Thornton
    Samuel Adams
    John Adams
    Robert Treat Paine
    Elbridge Gerry
    Stephen Hopkins
    William Ellery
    Roger Sherman
    Samuel Huntington
    William Williams
    Oliver Wolcott
    William Floyd
    Philip Livingston
    Francis Lewis
    Lewis Morris
    Richard Stockton
    John Witherspoon
    Francis Hopkinson
    John Hart
    Abraham Clark
    Robert Morris
    Benjamin Rush
    Benjamin Franklin
    John Morton
    George Clymer
    James Smith
    George Taylor
    James Wilson
    George Ross
    Caesar Rodney
    George Read
    Thomas McKean
    Samuel Chase
    William Paca
    Thomas Stone
    Charles Carroll
    George Wythe
    Richard Henry Lee
    Thomas Jefferson
    Benjamin Harrison
    Thomas Nelson, Jr.
    Francis Lightfoot Lee
    Carter Braxton
    William Hooper
    Joseph Hewes
    John Penn
    Edward Rutledge
    Thomas Heyward, Jr.
    Thomas Lynch, Jr.
    Arthur Middleton
    Button Gwinnett
    Lyman Hall
    George Walton

    1. I think the Strava link got this excellent piece of journalism kicked into the spam folder. Thankfully, it has been retrieved. Now I observed what you call the Charon “sit up” from four football fields back after a most righteous leadout by Tree Perkins, and it counts as two (perhaps three) NPR wins when the fastest guy out there sits up to allow young peachfuzzy seals (species: Nonpulling) to take the glorious victory.

      Finally, as the operator of the SausageCam can attest, glorious fake victories atop Mandeville involve far more than starting at San Vicente. To properly qualify for a placing, entrants must also start at or near CotKU, and burn a minimum of half-a-matchbox by either stoking the flames on the front or by terrifyingly trying to avoid crashing with all the other numbnuts squeezed into the close quarters of VdM, etc.

      Finally finally, participating in a full seal-skinning NPR and then doing the Holiday Ride counts for a minimum of thirty placings on Mandeville, especially when accompanied by a Cory/Josh/G3 smackdown on the long grade.

      These rules can all be found in the document generously prepared by the gentlemen sponsors listed above.

      Thank you, Sausage!

        1. After a very fast NPR and tempo ride from CotKU at age 53? You’re killin’ it!!!!

  3. I was looking for more advice about how as a cyclist we can deal with batshit crazy religionist/racist/relatives in a peaceful manner. Tomorrow would be nice as I have another week here in Texas.

    1. Ride your bike between the hours of 9:00 AM and 3:00 PM. You won’t care what anyone says after that.

  4. Likely taking a new job that will have me travel from AZ to the LA area for work by car. What time and place does this NPR go off at different times of the year Wanker?

    1. Year ’round, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6:40 AM pointy-sharp, MB Pier.

  5. I’ll be the guy in full “vapor lock” on the back on my cheap ass, low-end (yet still 100% pure carbon frame) road bike purchased with USAA insurance check in 2011 after I ran my 2004 low-end 25% carbon 75% aluminum into a garage. If I catch you afterwards I’ll buy you a coffee and roll and you can tell me some stories about the time you spent with the great man Tilford. Didn’t agree with him (or you) on everything, but I miss that dude every day. You kind’ve keep his spirit alive with all the great writing you do. Not sure how guys like you and Tilford manage to pump out posts every single day – but it is appreciated.

    1. Thanks! More carbon is always welcome! I don’t do NPR much during the race season, but there are plenty of other people, just as sketchy and deluded as I am, who do! Tuesday Telo at 6:00 PM is muchhhh betttah!

    1. Hahahahaha! Best comment on Elbowgate ever! Edge riding for bananas SUCKS!

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