Jeff Kepley, director of the popular Palos Verdes Estates babysitting service Wipe ‘n Dandle, announced his retirement yesterday. The sudden news leaves residents scrambling for a replacement service that can provide fresh diapers, soft facial tissues for drippy noses, mushed up bananas, and can give them a soft booby to suck on when they get an ouchie.
Cycling in the South Bay sat down with one of the community’s biggest babies, Lewis Robert McButtchaps, Jr., to find out how he intended to cope with the sudden loss of taxpayer-funded butt wiping.
CitSB: This must come as quite a blow, Bob, given that a review of service records shows that you’re Wipe ‘n Dandle’s biggest baby. I mean, customer.
McButtchaps: It was a huge shock. Huge. Sad.
CitSB: Can you tell us how it’s going to affect you?
McButtchaps: Wipe ‘n Dandle has always handled my every tantrum with incredible professionalism. Whether it’s other babies making noise across the way to wake me from my nap, or just coming by to put some talcum on my po-po, Wipe ‘n Dandle has always been there for me.
CitSB: There’s talk in the community of bringing in another diaper service. Snotnosers, Inc., already services the other three communities here on the peninsula. And they seem to do a pretty good job of keeping the squalling, wailing, whining little brats happy, sort of.
McButtchaps: That’s a farce. We babies in PV Estates are a special butt-rash on the hill and require special treatment. For example, when there are noises that scare me at night and I think there’s a big orange monster under my bed, I can have Mr. Kepley and his professional dandlers come over in a couple of minutes. Snotnosers takes up to ten minutes to pat me on the back, burp me, clean out the poop that has squirted up my back, and get me back to sleep.
CitSB: Some folks say that you’re just a spoiled little brat and that Snotnosers does a fine job. After all, you’re almost fifty.
McButtchaps: Nuh-uh. I’m not spoiled at all. They’re spoiled. I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you. Wipe ‘n Dandle’s service levels have dropped a bit recently, though. A couple of months ago I cried a lot and was colicky and it took four of their full-time butt-wipers and the dispatcher to come make me feel better and tell me I was a Sweetums and a Honey-Pie.
CitSB: Some folks say that Wipe ‘n Dandle’s service levels haven’t really dropped; rather they’re tired of coming over to a faux estate that’s so “exclusive” it’s constantly filled with other babies and gardening trucks over by the bluffs. Some folks say that you have a rash no one can heal.
McButtchaps: That’s not true. For example, a couple of years ago when I was in my baby pool without a diaper, another little girl came over and stole my floatie toy. I was scarred for life and filed a restraining order against her. Snotnosers, Inc. couldn’t have done as good a job putting on a fresh didie as Mr. Kepley’s team. Mr. Kepley’s men love me. Did you know I’m a palm frond manager?
CitSB: What’s that?
McButtchaps: I’m like Harold Icahn.
CitSB: Oh, a fund manager?
McButtchaps: Palm frond manager. It’s like a hedge fund but it’s made of palms.
CitSB: More hedge than fund?
CitSB: I see. After reviewing the service records at Wipe ‘n Dandle, the other babies around you seem to hate your guts. Any thoughts about that?
McButtchaps: Yes. Every time someone is mean to me, I call up Wipe ‘n Dandle and they make the meanies go away. It’s not my fault they are all jealous and want my toys.
CitSB: What do you think they’re jealous of?
McButtchaps: My smooth head. All the other babies have lots of hair but my head is very smooth and they’re jealous of that. Also my tummy which pooches out and is very soft. Do you want to touch it?
CitSB: Er, no thanks. So, what are your plans for getting another team to come in here and wipe your little butt every time you feel out of sorts?
McButtchaps: What are you doing this afternoon?
CitSB: Uh, I’m busy.
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PS: Don’t forget the Wanky’s. As if you could.