7 reasons I love Kayle LeoGrande
August 30, 2017 § 30 Comments
When USADA issued the official death certificate for the profamateur racing career of Kayle LeoGrande, it listed the seven banned substances found in his pee-pee. They were: Raloxifene, ostarine, ibutamoren, GW1516 sulfone, RAD140, LGD4033, and andarine.
The news came down about the same time I was lying in bed wondering how I would ever win my first Telo World Fake Profamateur Training Crit Championship. I had a host of fourths, a couple of thirds, but victory proved elusive, even with Frexit out of the picture.
It was 3:00 AM. The phone rang. “Hello?”
“Hello,” said a heavily accented voice, which I instantly recognized as Stanley O’Grande, the infamous doping Chihuahua. “You wanna win the Telo?” he said.
“Yeah,” I admitted quietly. “I do.”
“It’s gonna cost you.”
“I’ll pay anything.”
“You test positive I don’t know you, okay?”
“All right,” he growled. “Get ready for the dark side.”
An hour later I was in a dark alley behind the PVE faux estate of palm frond manager Robert Lewis McButtchaps, Jr. It was silent except for the babysitting service which had come over to McButtchaps’s home to burp him and change his didy. I spied Stanley O’Grande next to a bush.
“You got the stuff?” I asked.
“Here,” he said gruffly, thrusting out his paw. I took the large plastic sack, tucked it under my arm and dashed away.
The next day was Telo. Before rolling up to the start I opened the plastic bag. Inside was the miracle tunic! One of Kayle LeoGrande’s old jerseys! I quickly shucked off my Team Lizard Collectors kit and squirmed into Kayle’s jersey, which was strangely damp.
At the bottom of the sack was a note, written by Stan: “This is the only miracle tunic left from the batch we custom fitted Kayle with. Straight from Shanghai. Zip that baby up and let the ointments in the fabric do their thing. Chapeau. Or sombrero, as we Chihuahuans say.”
As the form fitting garment clung to my skin I could feel the magical elixirs begin to soak in. In seconds I went from meek, compliant, fearful Wanky McWankster to Kayle Jr., a/k/a Cabbage. As the chemicals from the soaked jersey coursed through my veins, I knew it was indeed my day to win Telo.
Destroyer sidled up to me. “We’re on the same team now,” he said. “Me and Smasher will get you the win today. With that tunic, everything is possible.”
“Even for me? I thought you can’t turn a donkey into a racehorse, even with drugs.”
“A donkey, no. But a Wanky? Maybe!”
The race was off. Destroyer, Buckwheat, and G3 rolled and opened a massive gap. I sat easily on Smasher’s wheel, knowing that my new teammate would do anything to help me win. Eventually the break disappeared, but I never worried. Why?
Because the 1st reason to love Kayle was taking effect, i.e. Mr. Raloxifene. It immediately began selectively blocking estrogen uptake receptors, resulting in immediate flows of extra testosterone that would have otherwise been converted to estrogen. My legs were pistons of steel.
Once the break was reeled in, a series of counter-attacks took place. In kicked Reason to Love Kayle #2, Mr. Ostarine. I easily went with the counter as my ostarine, which research has shown to have fewer androgenic properties, exerted less influence on the development and balance of my male hormones, including testosterone. While not yet approved for human use, ostarine did away with the negative side effects of steroids and effectively helped me avoid muscle wasting diseases such as osteoporosis, cancer, and hypogonadism. The peloton had greatly thinned. Thanks, Mr. Ostarine!
Now we were halfway through the race and there were a flurry of unsuccessful attacks. It was my time to launch, and thankfully I had Mr. Ibutamorin at my disposal. Reason #3!!! This non-peptidic, potent, long-acting, orally-active, and selective agonist of the ghrelin receptor and a growth hormone secretagogue, mimicked the growth hormone (GH)-stimulating action of the endogenous hormone ghrelin. By sustaining activation of GH-IGF-1 Axis and increase in lean body mass but no change in total fat mass or visceral fat, it allowed me to attack so hard that none could follow.
Soon I was brought back and would have been decimated were it not for Reason to Love Kayle #4, GW1516 sulfone, or Endurabol. This PPARδ receptor agonist, although abandoned in 2007 because animal testing showed that the drug caused cancer in several organs, brought my dead legs back to life much as the 2007 research showing that high doses of GW501516 given to mice dramatically improved their physical performance. Endurabol might cause cancer in lab rats, but Kayle and I were no lab rats, we were sewer rats, and I hung tough.
Catching my breath I attacked and bridged up to Hector Morales thanks to Reasons to Love Kayle Nos. 4-6, i.e., RAD140, LGD4033, and andarine. These three SARMs kept my testosterone hugely massive, better than Obama’s, and the break stuck for twenty minutes. Unfortunately, the race had twenty-one minutes left.
Buckwheat, Smasher, Destroyer, Rudy, and others hunted us down despite my best doped efforts, but proving that drugs are stronger than pan y agua, I miraculously outsprinted everyone but Buckwheat for second place with the help of a massive leadout by Destroyer.
Was it worth it? How did I feel about cheating my friends? What about my incipient ovarian cancer? Would I feel like an idiot when USADA put me on its Most Wanted list?And most importantly, could I keep the miracle tunic?
I don’t know the answers to those things. But I know I’ve learned to love Kayle.
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PS: Don’t forget the Wanky’s. As if you could.
SO’G: Only seven?
For this positive.
You do realize the proper dosing method of that wet jersey is rectally. After deep insertion (as Kayle says, “fist-deep is for quitters. Elbow or bust”), your bestie is to gut punch you as hard as he can, to quickly release the Kayle juice directly into your system.
They jersey only works its way out of said rectum with a 2500W 54×11 standing sprint, while you sing the refrain of the Battle hymn of the Republic (Elvis version).
*warning: Kayle juice and anal tearing puss may cause severe skin staining that may appear to look like tattoos.
Congrats on that leaky 2nd!
Yuck. But anything for 2nd place.
You look good in Kayle’s colors! WIll those magic jersey be available to the public?
No but I will send you the order link offline.
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Apart from the suffering bit, it doesn’t seem like you much else was going off and I think you’ll be fine.
Hahaha! Kayle juice so rules!
Dear Professor Wanky, Your REM dream Cycle is both informative and hilarious. Now back to work… I Just rolled into Starbucks feeling a bit knackered. I asked for a triple drip…Tall. Wait… Make it a LeoGrande. : )
Best ever! New drink order at Sejuiced! “Mr. Meeker, please pour me a tall skinny vanilla LeoGrande.”
Seth, you got the eTaps? That’s reason 8 right thurr.
oh fuk, now i’m cryin over here….(tilted tear faced emoji)
7 Essential Vitamins and Iron. Like the cereal boxes used to say!
Darn, is Eliel a sponsor of his? I sure hope not, I really like their kits.
They were! Super comfy jersey, even when soaked with Special K Sauce!
No Leogrande special sauce in the women’s kits I hope.
We can do that. Costs extra.
Former Sponsor. We still enjoy the Postal Services post FlailStrong, yes?
Yes, sir. I loved the jersey fit!
Couple colorful tats all that’s missing from that outfit, friend 👌🏾✌🏾💪🏾👊🏾
I heard his ban was extended due to the poor quality of his ink.
I read an interview yesterday where Mr. Leogrande states that a “friend” of his had given him something (for the purposes of “male enhancement”)–Seriously, I’m not kidding–that was a blend of Viagra, Levitra, and other substances…that was inserted directly INTO said male genital organ… and that he asked his friend if the compound had any substances in it that might make him test positive. This friend said “no.” Of course, his friend was also supposedly illegally blending a COCKTAIL (pun intended) of prescription drugs and chemicals.
What a harsh life Kayle must lead. Chicks come into his studio and pay him money to tattoo the words “do me harder” onto the smalls of their backs.
Oh wait, gotta go. It’s been more than four hours. HELP!
Besides cheating, why would LeoGrande take multiple SERMS? Sounds like bad mail order product.
They aren’t approved for human use, so it’s not off-label.
I really enjoyed your article and the site and thank you for your comment. It seems peculiar that an experienced doper would take 5 of the same class of compounds (SERMS). I suspect he didn’t know exactly what he was taking, which doesn’t change the fact but does speak to desperation.
Actually, some were SARMS and some SERMS. Clearly experimenting. Sophisticated user.
Oh, that guy!
A leopard doesn’t change its spots, especially if they’re tatted.