White out

A few hours ago it became really clear that my right rear knee’s banjo wasn’t going to be ready for the Donut Ride on Saturday. The first part of my treatment plan, “Get off yer fuggin’ bike,” I had followed religiously for 24 hours. Okay, not quite 24 hours, but almost. I didn’t ride at all while I was in bed. Several people had emailed and posted curative comments such as “ice,” and “RuggedMaxx 2,” but it was too complicated for me to implement so instead I cleaned my shoes.

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Then on Tuesday I decided to “give ‘er a try” so I pedaled up and down the street a few times and it felt okay. “Road to recovery,” I decided, and cleaned up my shoes some more.

On Wednesday I “gave ‘er another try” and pedaled up and down the street and it still felt okay. Well, okay, not okay, but it didn’t hurt. It felt a little tender, kind of like when you were a little kid and your brother had smashed you in the face twenty times the day before and the next day if something pressed against your lips, like air, it was tender. Tender like that.

On Thursday I was 100% sure that I was good to go because the day before I had spent five or ten minutes or two hours hand washing all of my white Base Cartel “South Bay Cycling” socks and they were screamingly ready to be worn along with my white shoes which had been rubbed down with some saddle soap, then glossed over with neutral wax and white scuff cover.

If crazy clean white socks and spanky white shoes won’t fix a raw banjo string, nothing will.

I put on my bicycle suit and rode across the street. I knew that it would be a bad idea to immediately ride anything hilly, especially anything steep, so I rode and up and down Old Hawthorne, which is completely flat except for the steep uphill parts which were in my way. My white socks and white shoes were firing on all cylinders, but what really got all of my tendinitis-curing white blood cells swarming was my bleached white shoelaces, which were sparkling in the sun. It had only taken a couple of hours to hand wash them and soak them in bleach and then rinse them out and then sun-dry them on the balcony; totally worth it.

After five minutes my banjo started hurting like a fucker, but that was just because it had been sitting there mostly unused for a few days and it was going to feel great once the white blood cells warmed it up. After ten minutes it was hurting like ten fuckers, so I stopped and adjusted my white shoelaces, thinking they hadn’t been laced up tightly enough to squeeze the white blood cells out of my feet up to the affected area. After fifteen minutes my tendon or my ligament or my bone knob or whatever it was, was hurting so dogdamned bad I could hardly pedal, so I limped back home and wrote a nasty letter to my sock supplier and to Giro shoes, advising them how badly their products had failed to cure my tendinitis.

Today is Friday, Donut-minus 24 hours, and it’s not looking good for the leaky prosate team. Does anyone out there have a white summer kit and some RuggedMaxx 2 I can borrow?

END

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PS: Don’t forget the Wanky’s. As if you could. And I may have forgotten to mention that there is free food and beer for the first 350 guests, so get there early. Gussy, you can show up this year, just to say hello.

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37 thoughts on “White out”

  1. I admire your tenacity at pretending there’s nothing wrong, I do the same thing if it in anyway threatens my ability to ride my bike.

    Go and find out what’s up with it.

  2. Big Pharma quit making Darvocet and Percocet several years ago, but I have quite a stash ‘socked’ away…..ingesting those puppies chages your WHOLE day…..while you are off your bike, that is.

  3. I heard that 1,000 miles on a fixed gear is the best way to launch into a new season. Maybe it’s the same for launching into a new knee situation?

  4. Don’t be a dumbass. Bleach is bad for the environment. Buy new white laces. And rest. For a bit of time now or a lot more time later.

      1. Spot on. We cyclists sometimes preach to others that which we ourselves cannot practice. Rest well man.

  5. Try a soigneur. Someone who works on cyclists. I warn you though, there maybe no going back to the ignorance of not knowing one.

  6. Maybe an email over to Nike’s chief doper, Alberto Saladbar could get you an appointment with the Only Endocrinologist in the USA (COUGH doper COUGH), Jeffrey Stuart Brown for some Actovegin.

    Given your awesome abilities at coffee roasting and fixing stuff with old #11 adjustable wrench, I’m certain you can spin a little Actovegin up yourself.

  7. Some more free advice that will cost you a deductible or co-pay… go see 1×1 Dan in Torrance. I had a terrible time with my knees about 18 months ago and he got me sorted out on 100% organic carbon based stretches and exercises. My knees are dramatically better and I can now manage tightness, pain, and so on with being conscious of technique. And I’m pretty sure he has some white pain in his office…

    1. My freedom of conscience rights violently oppose stretching because it looks like yogurt.

  8. You have TOO much time on your hands. I’m “unemployed” and have less time that you to clean my bike stuff.

    1. You’re the first person to tell me what I already believe. And I’m going with it.

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