New Year’s Presolutions

December 28, 2017 Comments Off on New Year’s Presolutions

Okay, it is that time of year to either make promises you don’t intend to keep, or to refuse to make promises and regret not breaking them later.

The solution to New Year’s resoultions is the pre-solution, where you can try on a New Year’s resolution in advance, break it a few times before the New Year, and then if you like it you can keep it or if you don’t, take it back to Wal-Mart for a free exchange as long as you have your receipt.

Here are some faves:

  1. Quit drinking. Yep, that’s right. This is the year you quit being a drunk. You can do it if you want to.
  2. Learn Chinese. Okay, you’ll never actually learn it. But you will be doing the equivalent of 3 x 20 intervals for your brain each time you memorize (and promptly forget) a new kanji.
  3. Dump Facebag. It is making you depressed, sucking up all your time, and giving you nothing in return. Why do you care what algorithms think of you? Why are you trying to impress an algorithm? After a brief period of withdrawal, you will have a big chunk of your life back.
  4. Delete your apps. Zap every app from your phone that you haven’t used in the last 30 days. You’ll have one simple-looking screen!
  5. Go meatless one day a week. You won’t lose weight or be healthier or feel better, but it’s easier on Planet Earth and after a while you might be doing two days, three days, or seven.
  6. Write one letter per month. That’s twelve measly letters. You got this! To someone you love. Using a pen. And paper. Bonus points for addressing the envelope by hand and licking the stamp yourself.
  7. Shave with a safety razor. And use old-fashioned shaving soap (with a brush). You’ll feel extra manly and get a much closer shave. Plus, it’s waaay cheaper and you may even graduate to a strop and straight razor. Nothing like starting your morning with a razor against your throat.
  8. Quit shaving your legs. Go ahead, quit. It’s dumb, a waste of time, doesn’t make you go faster, doesn’t “facilitate massage,” and doesn’t help “clean the wound.” Also, if you’re simply vain, shaving your face every morning before the ride looks way better than shaved legs and a face covered in porcupine bristles.
  9. Learn to bake bread. This will change your life, and the lives of those around you.
  10. Learn Slovak. This will let you easily travel to Bratislava next July when you go visit your son and daughter-in-law in Vienna.



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