Don’t even think about signing up for the 2018 Belgian Waffle Ride.
Okay, you just thought about it, but it’s still not too late to shelve that thought, and here are the reasons why you really should, no fooling.
- It’s too hard. I’m no connoisseur of cycling difficulty, but the four times I completed this smashfest I was reduced to a crumbling mess of mental and physical goop. Life is better the easier it is and the less you accomplish.
- It’s too long. How long is it? 130 miles? 140? 2,000? I don’t know, but it’s so far that after about mile 50 your brains will be too scrambled to even look at your Garmin, assuming it’s still attached. Be satisfied with your Sunday coffee cruise!!
- No wanking allowed. Because at BWR you get dropped immediately, and even if you aren’t dropped you don’t have a big, fat pack to sit in with, you’re required to do most of the work yourself instead of sitting in at [Name of Your Favorite Sit-in Fest Here]. Sitting = Winning!
- You’re going to ride Roubaix as a member of QuickStep this year anyway. The BWR is essentially a Spring Classic, except there is more climbing in San Diego than in Belgium. Since Patrick already probably has your pro contract in the mail and you’ll be racing the real 2018 Paris-Roubaix (or maybe Flanders?) with Stybar and the guys, there’s no need to do the BWR.
- Combined dirt-pavement rides are a dime a dozen. It’s easy to find a fully supported ride that has more off-road sectors than Paris-Roubaix, interspersed with endless miles of asphalt. Just ask your neighborhood 4-corner crit promoter!
- San Diego in April is a dung-hole. One of the lousiest vacation destinations on earth, every year millions of people fly into San Diego so they can be reminded of how good they have it back in West Bumblefuck.
- You have enough fun in your life already. Who needs a three-day weekend riding, telling lies, eating great food, and hanging out in the epicenter of cycling? There’s plenty of office work you could be doing on the weekend, or chores around the house that simply cannot wait.
- No one likes a dirty bike. After BWR you will have to clean your bike from top to bottom, and if you’d wanted to spend time cleaning your machine you wouldn’t have gotten a ‘cross bike in the first place.
- Facebook. You really don’t need to go to BWR, or anywhere. Just copy and paste and bam! It’s just like you did it yourself, minus the bike cleaning and muscle cramps.
- Life is long. Why do now what you can put off another year, or better yet, ten? You’re getting younger every day!
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