You know that rider who always kicks your butt, and mostly everyone else’s? That crazy skilled, amazingly fast, deadly efficient two-wheeled assassin who always seems to be in the mix or at the top of every ride, every climb, every ride? Well, she didn’t get that way eating donuts for lunch. She followed some rules and turned those rules into habits. Here they are. Follow ’em and you will be the top dog, too.
- Choose great genes. Successful cyclists have excellent genes that give them long legs relative to the length of their torso, a strong heart, and strong lungs. Winning cycling genes also include an ectomorphic makeup, and the ability to make huge adaptations at the mitochondrial level. If you want to smash, make sure you choose good genes; bypass the ones for donut addiction, pain aversion, sloth, and good mental health.
- Avoid distractions. Wannabe riders are easily distracted by children, spouses, significant others, jobs, intellectual interests, music, art, friendship, relaxation, travel, and a whole host of activities that will absolutely ruin your training plan. Ditch that shit now and focus on what matters.
- Invest wisely. Traditional financial planning eschews spending lots of money on quickly depreciating assets made of carbon, and instead suggests that wise investors should spend money on things likely to accrue value, such as real estate. That is #fakenews. Going fast mean plunging every last cent into carbon everything that begins depreciating the moment you wipe your drool off it in the bike shop.
- Eat to win. Nutritionists know that we spend about 38,000 hours over our lifetime eating and drinking, or approximately four entire years. Strong cyclists know that about 36,000 of those hours are spent eating donuts, so they focus on avoiding junk food and instead consuming only specially prepared citrus-flavored energy drinks instead.
- Stick to the plan. Freddie McFredsters are easily derailed from coach’s training plan by cold, rain, sleet, snow, hurricanes, typhoon, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and sleep apnea. Successful cyclists always follow the plan, no matter how stupid it is, for example, 20 minute repeats of ANYTHING.
- Sleep like a pro. The best cyclists sleep like a boss. This means going to bed early, waking up late, napping frequently, calling in sick as often as possible, collecting Social Security disability and unemployment benefits, and knowing when to be awake (while riding) and when to be sawing logs (most of the rest of the day).
- Dress for success. Most cycling success begins with appearance. Studies in the wind tunnel show that proper aero equipment worn at all times, for example, speed suits on coffee cruises, telegraphs that you are there to win 100% of the time. If you belong to a club or team with the word “serious” in it, or are required to sign anti-doping pledges for your hobby race club, chances are good you live on the podium.
- Dope, obviously. Nothing strikes fear into the heart of your fellow coffee cruisemates more than the sudden appearance of 2% body fat in a 55 year-old gentleman, or sustained 6 w/kg efforts from a Cat 4 rider. Secrecy, vague allusions to “special preparations,” and attributing your success to oatmeal and raisins lets everyone know you’re on the program. The winning one, that is.
- Cardboard. Nothing will make you ride better more quickly than getting kicked out by your girlfriend and having to live in a cardboard box, especially in winter, in Chicago. Mean streets make mean competitors.
- Coaching. There used to be a time when good riders imitated others, raced a lot, gleaned information they could from more experienced athletes, and improved through trial and error. Success today comes from the barrel of an Internet coach, someone who can provide you with detailed physiological, psychological, and scientific training regimens that take all the speculation, and therefore fun, out of racing yer fuggin’ bike. Because if you were in it for fun, you wouldn’t be in it.
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