A star is born!
October 16, 2018 § 19 Comments
Nothing very interesting ever gets into my inbox. But somehow, against all odds & filters, THIS DID!
For starters, if you read this love grenade and didn’t laugh there is something wrong with you. Not wrong as in “you had a bad day” but wrong as in “you are an incurably pompous jackass and probably a smelly, molded over asshole as well.”
The greatest bicycle kit controversy ever
No sooner had this awesome seal letter hit the Internet than its author, the infamous SB Baby Seal, began receiving calls to his cell and text messages galore from the Big Orange board. He did what anyone with a brain does when such notifications arrive, that is, he ignored them and kept working.
That’s when the pressure ratcheted and the phone calls began arriving at his place of employment, and, well he had to take them.
It seems that Baby Seal committed two pretty egregious infractions:
- He made fun of the Big O 2019 kit, which could hurt sales.
- He betrayed the trust and confidence of the club’s private FB group users by copying and pasting unattributed snippets of their comments about the kit, then sending it out in an unauthorized email.
So, let’s review.
There was actually a living, breathing, sentient human being who thought that you could make fun of this:
Yeah. Because these designs are so, uh, serious?
How do you make fun of Green Jizz v. Orange Nutter? Answer: You don’t have to. They are already so juiced up with lobotomy that words, like these ones, are superfluous.
And by the way, these kits weren’t created by a person. They were created by a committee over several MONTHS. If it never occurred to anyone that these were the goofiest fucking things ever to curse the eyes of man, then shame on you twice: Once for not knowing, and twice for proceeding anyway.
The great Facebag betrayal of 2019
With regard to the “betrayal” of the “confidence” of those on Facegag who had an “expectation of privacy” that their “private comments wouldn’t be shared,” I offer you the following legal analysis: Bwaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaaaa!
You really think anything on the ‘Net in general, and the ‘Bag in particular is private? Did you not read the 42-page EULA that goes along with your Facebook registration? Do you know what the “share” button does? Is this the first time you have ever taken the Internet out for a drive without Dad in the passenger seat? Can I sum FB’s policy up for you?
We can freely monetize and use everything you write or post, including all private data you don’t even know that you are submitting to us.
You are a complete fucking moron if you think Facebook is a private forum. Yep, you.
So to recap, the kits are garishly, over-the-top ridonculous, and no, yimmer-yammer yip-yap on Facebag isn’t attorney work product that’s protected by the attorney-client privilege. WHO KNEW???
All hail the First Amendment
Baby Seal’s newsletter achieved its aim. It pissed off people who think their opinions are beyond criticism. It made people laugh. It garnered a couple of new members for our team, Big Orange, who predictably liked the kit and proved the adage “There is no bad press (although there is unquestionably bad taste).”
And of course it drove a few sales for the Bike Palace. How do I know this? Because immediately after reading it I drove down and bought an inner tube and a Bike Palace t-shirt. You can have my First Amendment when you pry my dead, sweat-soaked Bike Palace t-shirt off my back.
Like the shrunken pricks who send me outraged cancellation emails saying “You made fun of my favorite children’s charity even though it is actually a scam that harms sick children!” or “You don’t wear a helmet which makes you a child molester!” the people who got skewered by Baby Seal deserved it.
Take a deep breath and be thankful that there are still people out there who aren’t afraid to poke fun at the smelly turd you piled onto your plate and tried to tell everyone was actually a filet, and don’t forget to shop Bike Palace or to join my club Big Orange, which despite the occasional stick wedged up its butt, is still a pretty awesome club.
Hope you like Oranges. And I got two funny reads for the price of one. Can you say “B-a-r-g-a-i-n”?
How would some “Hop-In-Wanker” get one of these kits?
Join Big O! http://www.bigorangecycling.org
Thanks for the reminder that bike clubs are a waste of time!
You are welcome.
Seth, your blog is back on track with this post today! I love Spoke[n] Weekly, I love this blog, I find the new Big Orange kit designs distinctive, unmistakable and breathtaking, and I love their club and all of the positive forces they project for local cycling and hobbyist bicycle racing! There is so much to love, and JP is one of the most lovable dudes I know. He is a star and I hope he keeps shining bright. And shining his bright light.
I’m sad to hear that I’m back on track. Will get busy with derailment asap.
And thank you for the sentiments about the kit and the club. I couldn’t agree more!
Also, flattery gonna get you everywhere.
I think I peed my pants a little 😂😂😂
Best blog ever!
Pee test: Passed with flying color (yellow).
Fake News. Make Big Orange Great Again.
Or at least certifiable.
While I’m no longer a part of Big Orange, I will always respect the Club and the overwhelming majority of members for being a force of good in the South Bay community. JP’s message was hilarious and my hope is that we don’t take ourselves so seriously that we can’t laugh at ourselves once in a while. The kits embrace everything the Club stands for, especially after re-reading this gem: https://pvcycling.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/please-dont-fuck-with-the-dork-with-the-dorky-socks/
Perhaps, you can get Baby Seal to do a once a month guest post, too funny.
Wanker: As far as I can tell you’ve never been on any track. Those are horrific kits though. Kind’ve takes you back to the mid/late 90’s when the kits were as jacked up as the guys riding them.
Committees are for Congress, not kit design. Love the story and the sentiments of the dorky sock dude.
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