Oranges or bananas?

Yesterday I talked about Big Orange, my cycling club.

Today I’m going to talk about someone else’s cycling club, Big Banana.

They aren’t really competitors as much as they are contrasts.

With Big Orange, anyone can join and purchase a cool kit.

With Big Banana, you kind of have to be invited, unless you are Douggie Smalls, in which case you have to beg for three years and still not get to join.

Big Orange has the One Rule: Don’t be a dick.

Big Banana has its own One Rule: Don’t be Douggie Smalls, which is kind of the same thing.

The only thing I really dislike about Big Orange is that it let me join. I would totally join Big Banana unless they invited me, in which case I would be rather contemptuous of their pathetic membership standards and refuse on those grounds alone.

Everything good happens in the off season

SoCal’s off season mirrors that of the World Tour, except that ours runs from Jan. 1 to Dec. 31. During this time everyone prepares for the racing they are never going to do, such as the Big Orange team training rides that focus on the big spring SoCal road races, sorry, race, ‘cuz there is only one left.

In addition to kitroversies, riders flaking off like a Folsom point to form new non-racing racing teams, presidential impeachment proceedings such as the one that removed Sausage as head of VCLG, funny-ass stick-in-your-eye newsletters, and visits to various Santa Monica “nutritionists” to “prepare” for the next “world” masters track championships, the off season is, most crucially, the time to make the hardest decision you will make all year:

How do I spend my secret PayPal savings that my SO doesn’t know about?

These mini-slush funds are most riders’ sole source of new kit funds, e-Tap funds, ceramic bearing funds, carbon wheel funds (FastForward, duh), or in my case iTalki Slovak/Chinese video lesson funds.

With the ceramic bearings and wheels you can often sneak ’em in without the SO noticing, but kits are much more difficult.

Choices, choices

Making slush fund distribution harder this year, Team Big Banana has released its classic anti-orange kit for public consumption. Previously only seen by uber-cool South Bay posers who want the benefits of being in a club without the disadvantages of organization, rules, Dear Leaders, monthly board meetings, tents, parking lot crits, dues, parties, tent set-up, or anything besides occasional use of Major Bob’s Sprinter van, these kits are now being made available for the general public and Douggie.

The design is unique, and how could it not be? With [Meta Creative] devious designer Joe Yule at the helm, these kits are produced by Swiss maker Cuore (pronounced “Euro”) and if all the #fakenews, #propaganda, and #utterbullshit is to be believed, they are as comfortable as being snuggled against mommy’s breast.

Here’s the link. I swore I wouldn’t get another kit, but now that Mrs. Wankmeister has taken to falling off her bicycle on her very first NPR, here’s hoping she won’t complain. Store closes at midnight on October 21. Get that slush fund stirred!

END

———————–

You can’t afford another kit. You can’t even afford a subscription, right, Barraclough? But this isn’t about “affording.” It’s about looking good. Get a kit and please consider subscribing … Click here and select the “subscribe” link in the upper right-hand corner. Thank you!

big_banana_2019

17 thoughts on “Oranges or bananas?”

  1. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member – Groucho Marx, right? And the local club that won’t have me as a member just got Cuore kits, and yes, they are sweet.

      1. Then, you’ve come to the right place, but you’ll be paralyzed by overwhelming number of color choices (black, black…) and end up kitless.

  2. Michael Barraclough

    You’re better than this, counselor. You will always have my respect and loyalty given what we’ve been through together over the years. Please note my new email address. I’m not sure what your goal is by trashing all the local clubs, but I hope you find happiness. We’ve got a small and shrinking cycling community; and we’re all in this together regardless of our kit choices from year to year. Hope all is well with you and your family – and mad respect to Yasuko for trying NPR. For those who’ve not done it, the ride is a total asskicker and anyone with the courage to try it for the first time deserves the tip of one’s cap.

    1. Hmmm. Not trashing anyone … actually encouraging folks to buy Joe’s kit. But trashing is often in the eye of the beholder, and humor is a tiny target that’s easy to miss.

  3. Not sure if the Banana kit is anti-Orange. More of a commentary on Big Orange. Big Orange board member Don Wolfe straddles the fruit salad line, wearing both kits, occasionally mixing the two.(Don is very fruity)

    Furthermore, I’m as Orange as they come and I have the unique distinction of perhaps being the only person ever to voluntarily quit Big Banana. (Ask me about it sometime. It’s a juicy yarn.) And yet, Bob, Joe, and I had a beautiful coffee outing last week that involved all kinds of fun Orange and Banana gossip–but also lots of love and mutual respect.

    By the way, if Joe and Bob are reading–fellas, all you need to do is correct that one injustice (you know what I’m talking about) and you can sign us up for two Banana kits.

    1. I’m butthurt and enraged that you refuse to post the juicy gossip right here on juicygossipblog.wordpress.com. Anyway, I’m starting a team next year, Big Apple, but we are only playing jazz.

        1. Okay but don’t release the secret kit design before it’s been voted on. I’ll post it for you to review on a private social media page called “Reddit.” DO NOT SHARE.

    1. Anything that even remotely rhymes with “whore” and is related to cycling has got to be top notch.

  4. Love the idea, love the colours, love the design. Signed, penniless unemployed student who can barely afford spare tubes.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: