Letter from a non-reader
November 8, 2018 § 8 Comments
I was going about my business when this e-bomb dropped into my inbox:
My name is Dr. Jowls McPaunch, DVM, AVDC. I am a licensed cow veterinarian and a diplomate of the American Veterinary Dental College, with a sub-specialty in butt pain. I, Dr. McPaunch, am not a reader of your pathetic, calumnious, and sophomoric blog, as it contains more worthless trash than any street side dumpster.
Nor have I, Dr. McPaunch, ever read your puerile, immature, insulting, debased, and juvenile blog. I, Dr. McPaunch, might add that I, Dr. McPaunch, will never deign to.
You, sir, are human garbage of the lowest sort and your writing is even lower.
I, Dr. McPaunch, will add that none of my friends reads your miserable scribblings, and indeed none of them even knows who you are. However, a friend of a friend told a friend that I, Dr. McPaunch, had recently been defamed by your nasty little excuse for verbal excrement. Rest assured that I, Dr. McPaunch, would never stoop to read it, nor have I, Dr. McPaunch, ever read anything you have ever written, nor do I, Dr. McPaunch, ever plan to.
The facts, sir, are these: I, Dr. McPaunch, am the recently elected president of the Altoona Figure Skating Club. This past Sunday I, Dr. McPaunch, was honored–a word with which you are wholly unfamiliar–to officiate at a drawing for a pair of Edea Carbon Piano Ice Skates with carbon MK Gold Star Revolution blades. Due to a silly mix-up that was not of my making, I, Dr. McPaunch, mistakenly awarded myself the skates, which fit perfectly.
You, sir, have taken this unfortunate event and written about it in your petty little blog under the guise of satire. Although I, Dr. McPaunch, haven’t read it, the friends of my friends assure me that it is indeed I, Dr. McPaunch, about whom you are writing. You are not nearly as clever as you think.
Therefore, sir, I, Dr. McPaunch, hereby request and demand the following:
- That you immediately respond to each of the 89 emails that I, Dr. McPaunch have sent you in the last 24 hours.
- That you immediately retract your false and defamatory statements about me, whether or not they are about me.
- In the event that you were not writing about me, I, Dr. McPaunch, demand that you immediately cease doing so.
- That you herewith cease and desist all further writings that I, Dr. McPaunch, refuse on principle to so much as glance at, let alone read.
Should you fail to comport with these demands, rest assured, good sir, that there will be consequences of the direst sort, not limited to letting the world know the type of scoundrel you truly are.
I, Dr. McPaunch, remain,
Your obedient servant,
Dr. Jowls McPaunch, DVM, AVDC
To which I replied:
Dear Dr. McPaunch,
Thank you for your letter. I am sorry you became butt-hurt at something that you didn’t read. It is fortunate that, thanks to your sub-specialty, you are professionally trained to treat this affliction. Extended butt-hurt happens to my non-readers more often than I would like to admit, as countless non-readers are repeatedly offended by the things I write. My most vociferous critics are, indeed, those who never, ever read my blog.
I’m afraid I will be unable to meet your demands. Carly Simon once wrote a song that you may have heard; if not I will link it here. On another note, I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?
Not quite so vain (but close),
Has Robert L Chapman June Your taken up a new profession?
I don’t know but there is a gentleman with a very similar name who has an upcoming criminal trial in Inglewood. Probably just a coincidence.
Best soap opera in ages. How will it turn out? Is Dr. McPaunch related to King Trumpy MacBighands – they both have such similar personalities? Will Dr. McPaunch continue to secretly read your blog or will he hear all of your fabulous gossip through a friend of a friend of a friend? Who are these “friends” anyway? I’m on the edge of my keyboard – don’t keep me in suspense!
There is a secret society called Non-Readers of Seth’s Blog (membership costs $2.99/month). They swear a blood oath to never read anything posted here, especially the comments section. The way they keep abreast of the articles they have zero interest in is through a network of friends-of-friends and distant relatives who monitor everything and post it in a chat room, but never verbatim because that would technically qualify as “reading Seth’s blog” and get you booted from the society.
I’m expecting a letter any day challenging me to a duel. If I get to pick the weapon, I’m going for “keyboard.”
Never poke a word-spitting atheist rattlesnake. It never turns out well.
Awwww, it’s not often I get called such sweet names in public! xxxooo
I am judiciously selective when it comes to terms of endearment for my most hallowed accomplices.
[…] electronifed Artillerydale Orgasmatron Bicycle, but then I got a really angry letter from a cow dentist in Altoona and then a blog commenter suggested that perhaps the dentist and King Trumpy were one and the same […]