Speaking of Spoke[n]

December 21, 2018 § 2 Comments

With the year coming to an end, now is a great time to sit back and reflect on the amazing things that happened in 2018, and at the top of the list is the funny, raw, topical, razor-sharp and recently deceased bike newsletter, Spoke[n].

With Spoke[n] we laughed, we cried, we giggled, we raged, and we knew that for four whole weeks it would always be there for us, a Rock of Gibraltar in this unending sea of change.

All good things come to an end, and bad ones, too, and although we recognized the incredible pressure that comes from having to copy-paste several stolen images once a week and send them out to a spam list was a Herculean labor, and although we knew that no mere mortal could withstand such publication pressure forever, still we held out hope and, when the inevitable occurred, we were thankful at least for those four whole weeks in November.

As we look back on Spoke[n] and its historic contributions to local news and humor, now that its august editor SB Baby Seal is no longer contributing, we remember the days, about thirty of them, when no one felt safe in the presence of the formerly formidable, now retired, J. Paris.

Let’s take a look back on the millisecond half-life of a near almost half-legend, a person who made his mark with the staying power of a dog on a hydrant, and acknowledge the tenacity, the length of his commitment, and his willingness to carry on no matter what other rampaging wildfires he was called to extinguish in other areas of his personal life, such as waking up before noon.

How can we forget his baseless accusations against innocent victims? His fake news, news that was so fake it was almost true, but not quite? His uncovering of Big Orangegate and the Mystery of the Ugly Kits That No One Wants to Buy, and Didn’t? And most impressively, his dogged journalism that led to the discovery that a famous local male racer was actually riding for a women’s team in disguise?

It was indisputably the best four weeks in the history of San Pedro rumormongering, it will not soon be forgotten, and never eclipsed.

Although Spoke[n] is now out of print, or at least has skipped a week in its publication schedule due to issues with the copy-paste key, SB Baby Seal has left behind a molehill of work as his legacy. If you have not read all four newsletters, the archive can be found printed on 4 x 6 index cards at Walgreens for fifty cents apiece, both of them.

Here is what sad but understanding readers have said: “He was one of a kind and he will be missed.” Ronald B. Hershing, horse dentist from Ohio and defendant in the La Grunge Lottery Fraud Case from 2019.

“I hate that skinny prick.” Big Daddy Warbucks, Trumper and bike donor, plaintiff in the La Grunge Lottery Fraud Case from 2019.

In its (very, very) brief run, Spoke[n] nearly caused the collapse of two of Los Angeles’s oldest and least respected bike clubs, as key governing members of both were hospitalized with life-threatening cases of butt-hurt. Spoke[n] also broke the news about the impeachment and removal of La Grunge ex-president Sausage.

We wish SB Baby Seal the best with his future endeavor of getting out of bed before noon and hope that one day he recovers from the grueling pressure of having to copy-paste for 20 minutes every Sunday. He struggled tirelessly and without fail for about four weeks to make our world a better place, and we are all better people it.



B. Seal and J. Paris, Retired

§ 2 Responses to Speaking of Spoke[n]

  • Robert Efthimos says:

    He might have broken the impeachment story, but he never did get his hand on the dossier.

    Looking back, Spoke[n] made Wonton Heavy Industries look like a stalwart of the local cycloverse.

    – Sausage™

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