Remember how when you first heard there was a Chinese zodiac, and you eagerly looked up your birth year? You were so excited, probably because your western zodiac was disappointing or, like me, you didn’t really have any idea what a Capricorn was. WTF is a “sea-goat”?
Anyway, you scurried off and looked up your Chinese zodiac, and however bummed you were to be a sea-goat, you were about to get really, really bummed when instead of being a tiger or a dragon you found out you were Chinese rat. Or pig. Or ape. Or chicken. Suddenly, sea-goat was looking pretty good.
2019 is the Year of the Pig, so I’ve put together a cycling horoscope for you based on the Chinese zodiac. It is scientific, rely on it.
Rat: Though people consider Rat disgusting, pestilential vermin, it is also associated with, wit, alertness, delicacy, flexibility, and vitality. In other words, you look horrible but are pretty good in the sack. 2019 will bring Rat lots of clever, alert wheelsucking like Baby Seal, and the flexibility to get kicked off one #fakerace team but quickly picked up by another, also like Baby Seal. 2019 is the time for Rat to share responsibility, i.e. take a fuggin’ pull, wanker.
Cow: You appear to be XXXXL, but have steady, independent, responsible, conservative, quiet, and inflexible personality. You have a good temper, but when angered Cow gets out of control and becomes very stubborn. 2019 is the year that Cow will finally quit going to those lame #leavemethefuckalone rides and show up on a real ride, i.e. the Donut, and get its cow ass stomped, good. Cow will get angry and begin “training” with Dr. Lotte Needles.
Tiger: Tiger is bold, resolute, unyielding, dictatorial, arbitrary, ambitious, full of self-confidence, domineering, and mostly extinct in the wild. 2019 is a bad year for Tiger, as age, infirmity, loss of virility, encroaching senility, panic attacks, and shingles will cause Tiger to finally purchase an e-bike and try to sneak it in on the Donut.
Rabbit: Rabbit is handsome, smart, wealthy, surrounded by friends, admired even by enemies, always well-rested, healthy, a great climber, amazing in the sprints, nonpareil in the TT, equally adept in all disciplines, never sanctioned for doping, has all his natural hair, and flosses every day. 2019 will be even more perfection. Get used to it, haters.
Dragon: Dragon is mysterious, emotional, energetic, majestic, intelligent, and all-powerful. However, Dragon has difficulty making the right decisions when the pace picks up, typically cowering behind the largest weak rider and getting dropped, or sitting up way too early in the sprunt. 2019 is the year that Dragon will finally make her way to the front on the last lap of the NPR and get a solid 8th.
Snake: No one likes Snake except herpetologists, whose specialty sounds way too much like herpes for anyone to get close. Legless, flicking forked tongue, and serpentine movement make for a bad package. In 2019, Snake will eschew its dishonest, sly ways and keep its promise to lead out a teammate in the sprunt, or not chase down a teammate, or post a good photo of a friend on Instagram instead of that one where Snake caught you scratching your ass.
Horse: Horse has proactive, passionate, talented, and articulate personality, and is fastest for traveling on the ground. Horse is also known as “shoutypants,” kind of like Elijah, because Horse is always yelling at someone to do something and it’s always something to benefit Horse. In 2019 Horse will not shout as much and maybe win one of his Cat 4 races to justify the $10,000 bike and $5,000 in clothes and swag donated by his Armenian sponsors.
Sheep: Sheep can lose its direction without a guide. Sheep is a timid, shy, kind, patient, and endurable animal. It has supple, peaceful, and less assertive personalities. Basically, Sheep is everybody’s bitch. In 2019, Sheep will get tired of always being told what to do, attack early, and get a bunch of QOM’s.
Monkey: Monkey is active, aggressive, energetic, impatient, irritable, impulsive, and naughty. Basically, Monkey is the slut of the peloton. In 2019 Monkey will begin caring about his reputation a bit more and lay off the salacious, defamatory not-so-weekly newsletter.
Chicken: Chicken is thoughtful, talented, romantic and pretty. Chicken pursues perfection and doesn’t have big ambitions. Chicken just wants to enjoy the blessings of life, ride around in expensive kits on the IGR, and tell people to “slow down.” Basically, Chicken is lazy AF and hopes that it can just keep paying Coach Ron and somehow it will win a race. In 2019, Chicken will get fired by Coach for excessive laziness and uncoachability plus Chicken’s credit card got declined.
Dog: Dog is loyal and brave, but also has a strong sense of responsibility. This is bad for cycling, where responsibility is always rewarded with backstabbing treachery. Dog always tries to “do the right thing” but invariably ends up getting pushed up hills, especially on FTR. In 2019, Dog will get pushed up a lot of hills, again.
Pig: Pig has wisdom, initiative, and energy, however, Pig still cannot change a tire in less than 30 minutes. Pig is also not sure what “cross-chaining” is or how you tell a big gear from a small one. In 2019 Pig will correctly analyze a race and wind up on the podium, however, the 5th-place check for $25 will bounce.
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