By now everyone, especially Steven Strickler and Rich Meeker, has heard of Carl Grove, the 90-year-old Indiana track racer who tested positive for epitrenbolone, a metabolite of the banned steroid trenbolone, most commonly used in livestock to increase muscle mass and appetite.
Cycling in the South Bay sat down with Carl to talk about his record setting doping performance.
CitSB: This is quite a milestone. The oldest cyclist to ever test positive and get stripped of a title. How did you do it?
CG: It wasn’t easy.
CitSB: How so?
CG: No one gives a fat fart about 90-year-old track racers.
CitSB: Not sure it’s limited to 90-year-olds but continue.
CG: I mean we suffer just as much as the pros. We ride the same equipment. We train like beasts. You really think Daniel Holloway is a better bike racer than I am?
CG: Well of course he is, but I mean for my age I’m just as good if not better.
CitSB: Kind of like if grandma had balls she’d be grandpa?
CG: Yeah, I guess so. But anyway, I go out and win a national title in the individual pursuit, and do you think CyclingNews or VeloNews or the Times gives a shit?
CitSB: I’ll take a flyer on that one. No?
CG: Exactly. I sent out 15,000 press releases after I won the title. Hired an agent. Posted deets on all my friends’ FB pages. Not a single interview. Not even a response to my emails or text messages saying “No, thank you.” I sent copies to the White House, to my congressman, to my great-great-grandson’s kindergarten teacher, to the heirs of the sergeant I served under in WWI, fer fugg’s sake.
CG: Hell yes, crickets. So I decided to get on everybody’s fuggin’ radar.
CitSB: With the positive doping test.
CG: Yes. And it worked, didn’t it? I’m now being personally interviewed by one of the most somewhat modest niche self-published online small circulation blogs devoted to cycling and masters doping.
CitSB: Right. Now, your critics are claiming that your motives were a bit dirtier, that you were doping in order to, you know, actually win.
CG: That’s ridiculous. I was the only guy in the race.
CitSB: But it’s a fact that you have a pretty good time. 38+kph for three minutes. Not a bad time at an age when most people have been dead for twenty years.
CG: Come on. I’m not so good that I’d have to dope to beat myself.
CitSB: And people point to your healthy teeth, full head of hair, the moistness and firm texture of your skin. Folks are saying you could easily pass for 85 or even 82.
CG: I’d never dope to beat me. Cheating is wrong.
CitSB: You tested positive.
CG: And USADA agreed that my meat was tainted. Just like Alberto’s.
CitSB: Come on, Carl. Admit it. You had to have the title. Only one other 90-year-old stood between you and delusions even bigger and more grotesque than Kevin Salk’s.
CG: Hey, fuck you, buddy.
CitSB: And so you did what bike racers have always done when they can’t get the job done with their own two legs. You doped to beat the competition. And the best part? You knew that the guy you beat would never rat you out.
CG: (Throws down mic.) This interview is a joke. Your blog is a joke. You are a joke. I’m outta here.
CitSB: Tune in next week for the next edition of “Ridiculously Narcissistic Old People Taking Drugs to Win Bicycle Races.”