These are just in time to sub for all the other one’s you’ve already given up on!
- Refuse to commit. Except for your commitment not to commit. Commit to 20k miles this year, or commit to quitting cycling forever. Either way, don’t follow through!
- Climb better. By not climbing. Instead, Facebook and the Gram. You got this or not.
- Try doping. You’ve heard about it and it works.
- Break the mold. Come up with the weirdest training regimen ever. Kimchi diet? Nose breathing? Reverse breakaways? Nothing is too kooky for you to lay it out there.
- Become virtual. Join every social media platform that exists. Load them up with your cycling activities. Watch the friendships blossom!!!!!!!
- Get on the grid. Replace all your bikes with electric ones. Sweat is so 20th Century.
- Tat up. No tat? No cred!
- Build a wall. Create your own #leavemethefuckalone ride. Let uncool people know where they stand: Alone.
- Find your inner kamikaze. Learn to descend faster. Heck, don’t learn. Just do it. “Speed is your friend,” quoth Manslaughter.
- Measure up. Convert your cycling data obsession to the rest of your life so it will be just as satisfying and happy as the joy you get from poring over post-ride power data!