What in the hell is right with you?

January 10, 2019 § 14 Comments

My life insurance ran out the other day. I did my best to get killed accidentally before I turned 55 but it just didn’t work. It was a sweet policy, too. I paid $132 a month and if I had died then my wife would have gotten $2M.

You can bet I never told her that.

So I went online and started searching for some new life insurance. I found a somewhat deal, which is what you’d expect hunting for life insurance at 55 instead of at 38, $250 a month for the same benefit, $2M. So I applied for it.

Turns out I had to get a physical exam. They sent a lady out with a bag full of equipment and a bunch of forms. She ran through the diseases but I didn’t have any of them. “Ever commit suicide?” she asked me with a straight face.

“Not lately,” I answered.

It is amazing how many things can go wrong, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, as it were, and she asked me about all of them. Then she came to the medical treatment part. “This is gonna take a while,” she said.

“How come?”

“We have to go through every doctor or healthcare provider you’ve seen in the last five years.”

“All of them?”

“All of them,” she said with finality.

Yasuko popped her head in. “You aren’t going to find anything. He is very healthy. Healthy like a dog. He is the healthiest person I have ever seen.”

The lady was skeptical. “Really?”

“Oh,yes. We have a saying in Japanese, ‘Dummies never catch cold.'”

I told the lady about my three medical visits. The ER and ortho when I had my bicycle-falling-off-incident and broke my nutsack, and a trip to the skin doc to have a lesion looked at. She wrote it all down. “What else?”

“That’s it,” I said.

“That’s it? For the last five years?”

“No,” I said. “That’s it for the last 30.”

But I had been wondering, as she asked me about cancer and strokes and high blood pressure and suicide and alcohol and drugs and tobacco and all that etcetera, wondering why she never asked about anything good? You know like, “Do you exercise? Do you eat whole grains? How often do you floss? Do you go to church? Do you have a pet? Do you sleep seven hours? Do you nap? Do you have sex often? Do you drink moderate amounts of alcohol and coffee? Do you hang out with your grandkids?”

All of these things correlate with longevity, and you’d think that someone about to write a life insurance policy would want to know about factors that might affect how long you live … or maybe they wouldn’t, when it comes to factors that extend life, because the life insurer is only betting that you won’t die before the average life expectancy. They don’t care if you live beyond it, they only care if you don’t live long enough and they have to pay the death benefit.

Still, the whole thing reflects a health “care” system that focuses on what’s broken and wrong rather than what is healthy and right. Kind of puts the emphasis on the wrong thing, if you ask me.




§ 14 Responses to What in the hell is right with you?

  • It is definitely not the norm for people like us our age to walk into a business that focuses on these attributes of life and get normal treatment. When I go in for my regular check-ups they always seem prepared to write a litany of prescribed drugs that I must be taking, and when I reply that I don’t take any medications what-so-ever, they have an initial look that indicates “Hey, I just got 10 minutes of free time in my schedule, and I can go have a cup of coffee”, and they say “The doctor will be in to see you shortly, and they walk out.

  • Definitely strikes a cord with me after recently switching medical plans, and having to go through much of the same “what’s wrong with you” and “what are all the things you’re doing wrong” interview. :sigh:

    Favorite part here though: Best use of accident(ally) that I’ve seen in a long time.

    – D

    • fsethd says:

      I have this friend who taught me (repeatedly) about that word’s proper … and improper … usage.

  • John Larson says:

    Same thing – I’m 61, my biometrics are better than when I was 30, and take no routine medications. Nurses/Doctors treat me like I’m some kind of freak on the (very) rare occasions when I need to consult one.

  • nealhe says:

    Hey …. I am 85 and no drugs …. And at my yearly physicals I get the same reaction.

    I am a Cyborg though, with a pacemaker for a slow heart rate, and an allergy to Ibuprofen.

    No other new body parts …… yet …. knock on wood.

  • senna65 says:

    Probably a good thing you didn’t mention you’re a cyclist/runner – 5 cycling/running acquaintances dead in the last 3 years. Two mowed down by drunk/stoned drivers, one by dog running out and causing driver/cyclist collision, one by hitting pothole on downhill which caused deadly head trauma. And now just this month a friend killed by head trauma caused by hit and run driver while running.

  • I bike to Dr’s office. Always gets that mark of respect. And my numbers are above average.

    • fsethd says:

      I need to get some numbers.

    • Darell Dickey says:

      On the flip side, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by my medical professionals to NOT ride to my appointments. Plus, while I’m supposed to “thrive,” I arrive at the facility by bike to find six acres of car parking, and one steel loop to lock my bike to.

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