Wankmeister cycling clinic #31: 7 habits of successful masters racers

I came across this excellent bit of racing advice that every aspiring masters racer will do well to peruse, then peruse again. It contains many important secrets to help you achieve your silly delusions athletic goals.

However, there are seven OTHER habits of successful masters racers that are just as important as the ones cited in this article, perhaps more so. Wanky lays it out there for your benefit, ‘cuz no one else will.

  1. Drugs. Winners cheat, and cheatin’s the new black, so wear your cheat with pride, like a Kayle LeoGrande full body tat.
  2. Fashun. You can lose the race and still win the runway. In other words, if every day ain’t New Kit Day, you’re spending way too much money on junior’s college education.
  3. The ‘Bag. You can lose the race but you cain’t ever lose the #socmed throwdown. With the right camera angle you can make that 2-second pull you took going into turn four on the third lap look just as juicy as the dogs who were actually sprinting for the win, 45 minutes later.
  4. Stuff. You can lose the race, but you better not lose it with last year’s neutronium frame and nuclear fusion-powered drivetrain. Whatever drops in December better be bolted on and powered up when you pin on the number in January. Losing’s cool. Looking like a loser ain’t.
  5. Scusifying. No one loses who has a great excuse, and you’ll be rolling up to the line already blabbing about your season-ending case of gonorrheal gingivitis. “Just here to support the team with my doping violations,” a/k/a Strickie, yo.
  6. Micro-fields. Y’know how you’re a Cat 1 but haven’t entered a Cat 1 race since 1997? Don’t let higher math trick you into doing a race that matches your category. Instead, find the oldest races with the tiniest fields, get on the podie in a field of four, and turn that shit into ‘Bag-‘Gram gold. Wanky has done that hisself more times than he can count.
  7. Thassit. There ain’t no number seven. You lock up 1-6 and you have your masters career soiled. I mean nailed. Down.

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6 thoughts on “Wankmeister cycling clinic #31: 7 habits of successful masters racers”

  1. Wow I really want to drive 2 and a half hours each way and race a crit now. ‘Cept I don’t have to cuz the cheaters drive down here and cheat in our MTB races. I’m all about convenience, and counting all the money I’ve saved =WINNING

    1. I think I’ll just juice up, hook my e-bike to the trainer, and cheat on Zwift. It will feel so good beating all those other other 0s and 1s.

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