Masters racer doesn’t test positive, issues apology

After announcing that a record number of masters cyclists were recognized for their doping achievements in the 2018 Vuelta a Miami, local SoCal crit racer Crumbs McIlhenny admitted that he had failed to fail a doping test, and issued a tearful apology to his family, friend, and fan.

“No idea how this happened,” said Crumbs behind a wall of damp tissues. “I have always doped just as hard as everyone else. Now this.”

Coming hard on the heels of SoCal’s most successful masters doping season, where doping hero Steve Strickler recently joined famed compatriots Rich “the Beaker” and “Tatty-Poo” LeoGrande, Crumbs’s dejection was abject. “I’ve demanded they test my B sample,” said Crumbs. “They gotta find something.”

When told that B-samples weren’t tested unless the A-sample revealed banned substances, Crumbs was inconsolable. “That is total bullshit!” he wailed. “I am taking this to CAS!”

After walking Crumbs back from the ledge of the open skyscraper window on which he was perched, his friend and fan tried to explain to him that CAS arbitration was only for those accused of cheating, which is a “bad” thing.

“Huh?” Crumbs said. “I failed to fail that test because the system is rigged. It’s because of my vanishing twin or some non-alcoholic whiskey I drank or an untainted steak I ate for breakfast that masked the drug cocktail that came with my Thorfinn-Sasquatch kit order. I mean, I have Joe Papp on speed dial. And now this?”

Masters cycling commentators were aghast at the non-positive A-sample. “This is killing our beloved sport,” said Htes Nosdvidad, retired masters racer and noted notary public. “People are simply not going to keep paying to race when the events are stacked with non-dopers. And for every non-doper who doesn’t get caught not cheating, there are fifty more who get a free pass. The whole thing stinks.”

Leaders of major SoCal racing squads were similarly hard-pressed to justify their continued commitment to the sport. Veteran Cat 5 masters racer Nivek Klas wasn’t at a loss for words. “Clean racing? What’s next? Not posting awesome sock and cleat photos on the ‘Bag? After devoting twenty-four months of my life and $25,000 of the club’s money to orange folding chairs, all it takes is one clean racer to ruin everything.”

Less than 24 hours after being outed as clean, Crumbs posted the following apology on his Facebook page, which has since been taken down:

I apologize sincerely to my family, friend, and fan for letting them down. They know I am better than this. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I made a mistake and knowingly raced clean. I took a risk and was just going there to support my team mates. I accept the punishment of USADA, condemning me to another season of racing, and to the judgment of my peers, who know that I really do have the desire to win at all costs even if I raced clean that one time. But I will come out of this a better man, a faster racer, and a more committed advocate for filthy sport.

Crumbs McIlhenny



14 thoughts on “Masters racer doesn’t test positive, issues apology”

  1. This is why you should do one more race, then submit a sample, and then give an interview to Baby Seal.

  2. A real cheater accused of racing clean would have blamed it on some obscure medical need like his smallpox medication or maybe his wife’s cooking.

  3. I just want to say sorry to my team mates who work tirelessly to fill the pack, that though I was planning to make it out to support our ambitious cat 5 program this year, taking a break from my usual Sunday training ride – close passing the old and lame on my local bike path resplendent in this week’s team kit. Unfortunately my spare time is in short supply, as I’m now in a legal dispute with anyone who won’t listen to ban the import of the scourge that is e-bikes that are ruining cycling by illegally taking my stravva KOM. I’m also in the middle of a nasty divorce, brought on by the taking of my KOM and flushing of my T-meds by my estranged wife.

    1. To which your teammates say: You have besmirched our achievements and reputation as masters dopers. FU, buddy.

  4. easy solution to doping – just requires a little leadership. if a doper is caught by usada, every member of the club is banned from competition for a year. if a doper is caught outside of competition – especially if they embrace cheating on group rides – the doper should be removed from the club immediately pending a public apology widely distributed with the primary goal of removing any dark shadow cast on every other club member who races clean. cycling is no different from the real world – we need leaders unafraid to have the backbone to stand for what is right.

    1. Just bring back public floggings, The added bonus being that if you stage them at the next round of the series, of all the people who show up to see the flogging some of them might stay around to watch the racing. (BTW I’m not disagreeing with you)

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