10 ways to butt-hurt a cyclist

January 26, 2019 § 6 Comments

You’d think that cyclists, who love to brag about their incredibly hard rides, would be a tough bunch able to withstand criticism and being made fun of.

You’d be wrong. Most have skin no tougher than lycra.

In case you’re breaking up with a cyclist, or just want to put one in its place, here are ten sure-fire ways to turn a bit of smoldering butt-hurt into a raging ring of fire.

  1. Take “their” KOM/QOM.
  2. Beat them up a hill wearing tennis shoes.
  3. Ask them if they really have a coach.
  4. Comment on some minor part of their apparel that isn’t matchy-matchy. “Your bar plugs don’t match your shoe soles,” etc.
  5. Ride past a group of men when you’re a woman. Wave.
  6. Listen to their 40-minute recap of the fifth sprint on the group ride in which they got seventh. Then say, absentmindedly, “What?”
  7. Tell them they need yoga, badly.
  8. Ask them why they shave their legs. When they tell you it facilitates massage and helps wound care after crashes, ask “Do you crash a lot?”
  9. After they tell you all about Zwift, shrug and say “It doesn’t sound like much fun to me,” “That’s weird,” or best of all, “I don’t get it.”
  10. When they proudly boast about the 5 grams they shaved with the ultralight unobtanium pedals they just bought, say, “Seems like it would be cheaper just to lose twenty pounds.”
  11. [Bonus track] After listening to their amazing recap of exploits on and off the front, tell them that it was a really slow day.



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