You’d think that cyclists, who love to brag about their incredibly hard rides, would be a tough bunch able to withstand criticism and being made fun of.
You’d be wrong. Most have skin no tougher than lycra.
In case you’re breaking up with a cyclist, or just want to put one in its place, here are ten sure-fire ways to turn a bit of smoldering butt-hurt into a raging ring of fire.
- Take “their” KOM/QOM.
- Beat them up a hill wearing tennis shoes.
- Ask them if they really have a coach.
- Comment on some minor part of their apparel that isn’t matchy-matchy. “Your bar plugs don’t match your shoe soles,” etc.
- Ride past a group of men when you’re a woman. Wave.
- Listen to their 40-minute recap of the fifth sprint on the group ride in which they got seventh. Then say, absentmindedly, “What?”
- Tell them they need yoga, badly.
- Ask them why they shave their legs. When they tell you it facilitates massage and helps wound care after crashes, ask “Do you crash a lot?”
- After they tell you all about Zwift, shrug and say “It doesn’t sound like much fun to me,” “That’s weird,” or best of all, “I don’t get it.”
- When they proudly boast about the 5 grams they shaved with the ultralight unobtanium pedals they just bought, say, “Seems like it would be cheaper just to lose twenty pounds.”
- [Bonus track] After listening to their amazing recap of exploits on and off the front, tell them that it was a really slow day.