With the upcoming municipal elections in Palos Verdes Estates, Cycling in the South Bay embarked on an extensive candidate review process that culminated in personal interviews with each of the candidates. Over the next several days we will run full transcripts of those interviews so that voters can best decide who shall lead this magical city of unicorns, as these mythical creatures fart rainbows upon the less fortunate denizens of (yecccchh!) Rancho Palos Verdes and (puke!) Torrance, a/k/a Pre-V.
JEFF GROVES, noted notary public
CitSB: Welcome to our show, Jeff.
JG: Thank you. A bit embarrassing, actually.
CitsB: Just wait. Now our first question has to do with your failed candidacy. You appear to have withdrawn before the actual election?
JG: I get nervous speaking in public. No one told me I was gonna have to speak in public. It gives me sweaty bowels. This Palos Verdes Estates election thing is waaaay stressful.
CitSB: I see from your candidate positioning statement that you believe strongly in …
JG: Money. I believe strongly in money. The business of PVE is money, and the money of PVE is everyone’s business.
CitSB: To quote from your positioning statement, “In the past issues the City faced were mired in self-interest and reluctance to enforce rules and regulations already in place. It’s time for the City’s government to financially and in deed, act like a city.” Can you explain what you mean? And what’s with the missing comma?
JG: Sure. In the past the city didn’t act like a city. Also, I’m a money guy not a grammarian. The 2019 PVE election is about money, not whether I’m literate.
CitSB: What did the city act like, if not a city?
JG: A donkey.
CitSB: Excuse me?
JG: It acted like a fuggin’ donkey.
CitSB: Could you explain?
JG: Sure. PVE is all about money. I’m all about money. Where do you live?
CitSB: Rancho PV.
JG: So you’re not all about money, then.
CitsB: What am I about?
JG: Wishing you lived in PVE. Ergo, wishing you had money. But you don’t. So, sucks to be you.
CitSB: Okay, so back to the donkey. Can you flesh that out for me?
JG: Have you ever been to Tijuana?
JG: Then you won’t understand.
CitSB: I’d like to ask you about some of the issues facing the city that you would have had to address as a candidate if you hadn’t quit due to the sweaty bowels thing.
JG: Fire away.
CitSB: What is your position on the bicycle gangs, especially the Big Orange hooligans that are destroying your city’s lovely tranquility?
JG: You mean the bastards that ran that stop sign that time and ran over one of our unicorns? Kill them.
CitSB: I see. Any concerns with due process?
JG: What’s that?
CitSB: How will you differentiate between, say, bikers from Torrance and bikers from PVE?
JG: We need to have a wall. PVE cyclists will be given biometric scans and allowed to exit and enter. Immigrants from Torrance and Redondo, we’ll just shoot them. Seems pretty easy to me.
CitSB: Okay. So in addition to money, donkeys, a wall, and summary execution of cyclists, what is your position on the city’s most notorious crank, Shrimpy McScampi?
JG: That creep?
CitSB: I didn’t call him a “creep.”
JG: Isn’t he a criminal defendant in some case in downtown LA?
CitSB: What is your position on him? Some residents claim that he is a divisive, sociopathic individual from Mars who is spoiling the amazingly perfect tranquility of the snowflake city on the hill.
JG: He’s rich, isn’t he?
CitSB: I don’t know.
JG: Look, I’m all about money. Shrimpy’s all about money. I don’t care if he’s squat, bald, miserable, friendless, and spends his time peppering the Internet with anonymous hate mail. He’s rich. End of story. Money.
CitSB: Good luck in your non-election campaign.
JG: Thank you.